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[sirquote]

Dear Inhabitants of Wintergorge,

WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT!!, JUST FUCKING FESS UP OR I'LL BLEED YOU ALL DRY.

HOW NONE OF YOU SEEM TO NOTICE SOMEONE BEING FED UPON AND MURDERED IN THE GREAT DINING CHAMBER IS FUCKING BEYOND ME.
IF I DON'T HAVE SOMEONE CONFESSING SOON I WILL LET THE FUCKING ALLIGATORS OUT OF THEIR CAGES.

Sincerely,

The Boss

[malroth]

It was the stray turkey gobbler (tame)

Signed Count Vlad Mcunrenameable Notavampireiswear von Ursit

[imperium3]

Dear Urist McMason and Rimtar McMechanic,

I have a lot of questions regarding our self-flooding moat that happens to be right above the stone storage area, and the mysterious hole in it that I swear wasn't there before.

Come to my office to explain as soon as you finish cleaning up the mess.

The Management


Dear Elite Marksdwarves,

Continuing your run of incompetence, in the latest goblin siege you managed to show up without any ammo. I wonder if Solon McHammerdwarf, who I assigned to train you in close combat skills, has been trying to recruit you to the melee squads, because you seem pretty keen.

The goblin bowmen demonstrated to you how important ranged support can be. Though how they managed to put a silver arrow through an adamantine breastplate...?

The Management

[jamesadelong]

To: Von Urist McSuspicious and Urist McFarmer
From: Mission Control
RE: Vampires
There are only two of you and a weasel and I'm pretty sure the weasel didn't kill anyone, he's in the pit.
To be honest? Urist McFarmer, you haven't been looking to well lately. Why don't you step inside the magma room luxurious sauna until we sort this mess out. As for you Von Urist. I'm sure your innocent, a tad misguided with the weasel claim, but innocent. Enjoy your day.

[Kogut]

Spoiler'd because it's long.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dear UristMcVampire,

Please go stand under that raised bridge there.  Nothing bad will happen.  Yes, we know you just killed one of our three +5 legendary weaponsmiths.  We're not mad.  I promise.




Dear ElfMcWeaponsmith#2

Why are you starving?  I know you're an elf, but this is a dwarven fortress and you're going to have to break down and eat the same food as the rest of us.  If you starve to death our last weaponsmith won't be able to handle the workload himself.  Really.  All of your friends are having no problems eating.




Dear UristMcWeaponsmith#3

Your workload is about to greatly increase.  Please, enjoy the last of your spare time idling in the dining hall as your elven co-worker continues to hammer out weapons for the army.




Dear Armorsmiths

Keep up the good work.




Dear Army

I know a lot of your equipment is outdated, but we just hit a massive amount of adamantine and new weapons and armor are being made.   The armor is nearly done, and all of it is masterwork.   The weapons may take a bit longer, because we keep having delays.




Dear MarksdwarfRegiment

Please, stop trying to use your adamantine crossbows as clubs.  It doesn't work.




Dear UristMcAxedwarves

Enjoy your new Adamantine Battle Axes.   Yes, they were made by an elf.  Why are you looking like you want to kill something?  If you lay a finger on him, we'll atom smash you.  No, I don't care that you're legendary and have been in the fortress for 25 years.  But you may not have to hurt him - he isn't eating and looks to starve to death soon.  He's getting awful skinny.




Dear Elf Migrants

I have no idea how or why 30 of you migrated to this dwarven fortress, but one of you was a legendary weaponsmith so I'm not going to complain too much.  However, the booze is for the dwarves.  You have to drink from the well.




Dear randomly wandering Dragon

Why U no go in cage trap?

At least stop eating random migrants.  Or if you do, at least be consistant and eat all of them, instead of just the skilled ones.




Dear Mount McVolcano

Can you stop flooding the third cavern level with magma yet?  It's killing my framerate.  Please.

Hilarious, but reporting this bug may be quite useful (it will be fixed as new one) - http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/my_view_page.php

[grimman007]

Dear Urist McLegendaryCarpenter,

Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.

Sincerely,
Your Overlord

[jaxler]

Dear Urist McLegendaryCarpenter,

Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.

Sincerely,
Your Overlord

well, maybe you could slow down the plump helmet production or get the stone crafter to make some pots.

Sincerely.
Urist McLegendaryCarpenter

[sasf54]

Dear Ulrists,

I would like to congratulate on your the last season of your smashing the living stuff out of goblins talent show. It was awesome! We had a lot of contestants, and some star characters too (grimelings). I was a bit worried at the beginning for you, but it seems, that the metallic armor helped a lot. The fact, that 4 axe/spear dwarf cannot defeat a single grimeling in a whole season with wooden training weapons, I managed some backup solution, and scared the working dwarfs to death give the audience a lot of fun. On the second season, when you were bashing the grimling performing with the artist, you finished quite fast. After I found out, one of the legendary wrestler bad-ass just tore the head off.
The second squad who shoot-ed bone arrows into a held a stepping performance with a grimling for a whole season was also cool. The fact, that the next siege where great number of goblins cut in cage traps next season's mass auditioning was performed flawlessly.
Also, the fact, that somehow you were able to obtain 4 grimling bones for carving is astonishing.

Keep up the good work
The Management

[werechicken]

Dear entire ****ing population

I appreciate that zombies are scary but if there is one zombie being beat to death (again) stop running away and falling prey to all the zombies in the surrounding land.

I've already lost dozens because of your pathetic cowardice despite the fact I gave very clear instructions to stay in your burrows and make coffins.

[Vehudur]

Spoiler'd because it's long.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dear UristMcVampire,

Please go stand under that raised bridge there.  Nothing bad will happen.  Yes, we know you just killed one of our three +5 legendary weaponsmiths.  We're not mad.  I promise.




Dear ElfMcWeaponsmith#2

Why are you starving?  I know you're an elf, but this is a dwarven fortress and you're going to have to break down and eat the same food as the rest of us.  If you starve to death our last weaponsmith won't be able to handle the workload himself.  Really.  All of your friends are having no problems eating.




Dear UristMcWeaponsmith#3

Your workload is about to greatly increase.  Please, enjoy the last of your spare time idling in the dining hall as your elven co-worker continues to hammer out weapons for the army.




Dear Armorsmiths

Keep up the good work.




Dear Army

I know a lot of your equipment is outdated, but we just hit a massive amount of adamantine and new weapons and armor are being made.   The armor is nearly done, and all of it is masterwork.   The weapons may take a bit longer, because we keep having delays.




Dear MarksdwarfRegiment

Please, stop trying to use your adamantine crossbows as clubs.  It doesn't work.




Dear UristMcAxedwarves

Enjoy your new Adamantine Battle Axes.   Yes, they were made by an elf.  Why are you looking like you want to kill something?  If you lay a finger on him, we'll atom smash you.  No, I don't care that you're legendary and have been in the fortress for 25 years.  But you may not have to hurt him - he isn't eating and looks to starve to death soon.  He's getting awful skinny.




Dear Elf Migrants

I have no idea how or why 30 of you migrated to this dwarven fortress, but one of you was a legendary weaponsmith so I'm not going to complain too much.  However, the booze is for the dwarves.  You have to drink from the well.




Dear randomly wandering Dragon

Why U no go in cage trap?

At least stop eating random migrants.  Or if you do, at least be consistant and eat all of them, instead of just the skilled ones.




Dear Mount McVolcano

Can you stop flooding the third cavern level with magma yet?  It's killing my framerate.  Please.

Hilarious, but reporting this bug may be quite useful (it will be fixed as new one) - http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/my_view_page.php

Well, to be fair, I've fudged up my raws so badly it's probably related to my screwing myself instead a true game bug.  I will certainly report it if anyone else gets wrong-race migrants -untill then I'll put it off as horribly screwed up raws.

[Crustypeanut]

Dear Zombie Horde Outside the Gates:

Please stop eating my migrants, its not good for publicity.  If you keep this up, I'll have a hard time finding food new dwarves.

Sincerely,

Sarvesh "The Butcher" DrivenTombs, Ph. Dwarf and Overlord of Peacefulmeadows - Where all of your dreams die in painful agony  come true!

[Naryar]

Dear Werewolves Around Robustquakes

-Please come in there, we have plenty of meat.

[MoonLightBird]

Dear zombies,
Thank you for killing all those elfs for me. Now I have found a use for them. My military uses the really rotten corpses as the best weapon training tool ever found! In just 1 year I have a squad of ten legendary axe dwarfs, and a squad of legendary sword dwarfs. As a thank you for being our punching bags, we here at DonkeyTortrue have made a room with a chained puppy we made to feed you with. As you enter the room you will see a puppy. As you walk further in, floodgates surround you and magma floods your area. The floodgates protect the puppy, and he will be trained as a wardog and given your name.

Sincerely,

Leaders of DonkeyTorture.

[Baron Baconeer]

Dear Urist "Mythpuncher" Mcmayor-captain.

Your leg was ripped off by a were-camel. You went only faint and stood without any walking aid. You've punched three people, including a vampire, to death.

How do you manage to be this awesome?

[Die Nacht]

Dear Urist "Mythpuncher" Mcmayor-captain.

Your leg was ripped off by a were-camel. You went only faint and stood without any walking aid. You've punched three people, including a vampire, to death.

How do you manage to be this awesome?

lol!