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[Alternatecash]

Dear zeitgiest of drillmines,

Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:

A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.

You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.

Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.

Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.

Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines

Your highness,

Actually, that lever controls the magma floodgates that will allow us to power our magma glass furnaces. Also everything else that runs on magma.

So kindly pull it, before the latest moody dwarf goes berserk for lack of precious metals. 'Cause if he does, we're putting him in your room while you sleep.

Sincerely,
The Peasants of Drillmines

...Yes. Yes, that's exactly it.

[Sus]

dear Urist mcpesant:

please don't haul the clown corpse up the stairs. it's made of fire.

sincerely: Jaxler

I will ask you, however, to please refrain from throwing body parts that you're on your way to bury. While I am highly amused that the corpse piece landed neatly on top of the coffin it was intended for, the fact that you threw it meant that it was instantly forbidden.

Sus cancels Read forums: Laughing His A██ Off. 

[Clover Magic]

Dear Pony McMiner:

When there is exactly one tile that is going to fall in a controlled cave-in, please refrain from causing that cave-in from directly underneath that very tile.  I had to savescum because of you and all your friends, tantrum spirals aren't as Fun with only 20 instead of 200.  That and a tantrum spiral death before the fort is even in its second year is just lame.

Sincerely,
Overseer of Rainecho

[ThatAussieGuy]

To the Miners of Hamebalanced currently involved in Project Excavation:

How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins?  You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!  Yet somehow it keeps happening on a semi-regular basis with an average of one or two of you dying or crippling yourselves every two-to-three days.  If there wasn't some 250-odd dwarves sitting around doing nothing that can act as replacements, I'd be concerned.

Sincerely;

Your confused overseer.

[Garath]

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith,

A fey mood, you made me so happy. But a lead short sword. Really, what were you thinking. Now, with your newly acquired legendary skill, please make some usefull weapons too.

Yours gratefully,
The Overseer

[kisame12794]

Dear Military

There is a seige outside. Go kill it. Don't just sit there and drink. You can drink AFTER all of the goblins are dead.

Your's truly
Overseer

[jaxler]

dear urist mc-our-only-miner

doe rabbits can't kill you so don't jump into the moat whenever you see one.

[YetAnotherStupidDorf]

How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins?  You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!

Designate only one z-level to channel at once.

[ThatAussieGuy]

How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins?  You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!

Designate only one z-level to channel at once.

That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion

[Greiger]

To refuse haulers

Please stop attempting to stockpile those dead animalmen, the military isn't done making them stop moving yet.

The administration.

[Niccolo]

How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins?  You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!

Designate only one z-level to channel at once.

That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion

Hey, don't worry. I had a legendary miner who made the sky cave in on him.

[Clover Magic]

How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins?  You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!

Designate only one z-level to channel at once.

That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion

I have this happen so often I refuse to channel in anything but 1-tile strips.

What happens is that the idiots loveable dorfs channel out every tile but the one they're standing on, leaving them on a little island.  They either then sit there with their thumbs up their asses or decide to be proactive, and by that I mean channeling out the rock under their feet.  Sometimes they're lucky and just take a little roll.  Other times, this causes a mini-cave-in and a dwarf that essentially committed suicide by digging himself a hole.  It can also happen when a fellow "helpful" dwarf is also channeling, and while miner #1 is occupied with channeling out a tile, miner #2 decides that underneath miner #1 is the perfect spot to channel next...

Of course, I'm assuming this is the cause, as that's always what's happened when I have stupid channeling cave-ins.  Could be wrong though.

[Vehudur]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Did you know river sources (at the tip of the funky fan shape where a brook starts) can cave in on you?

I dug out all the rock around one and channeled under it (pumps - don't ask) in order to try to get rid of it, but it ended up crashing through my dining room (killing a master mason) instead and landed in the booze stockpile.  So yes, my booze stockpile is flooding with what effectively amounts to an aquifer tile turned up to 100.

There has to be a way to weaponize this.

Dear UristMcWidow

I know your husband was just killed by a cave-in of water, somehow, but that's no reason to throw a chair at one of our axe-lords.  Now he's angry and appears to be coming after you.  You may not get a chance to read this before your blood is painting the walls, but if you do, know that this is entirely your fault.

Sincerely,

your thoroughly entertained overseer.

[YetAnotherStupidDorf]

What happens is that the idiots loveable dorfs channel out every tile but the one they're standing on, leaving them on a little island.  They either then sit there with their thumbs up their asses or decide to be proactive, and by that I mean channeling out the rock under their feet.  Sometimes they're lucky and just take a little roll.  Other times, this causes a mini-cave-in and a dwarf that essentially committed suicide by digging himself a hole.

Strange. I never had any "mini-cavein". Always (at least for me) dorf that dig under his feet lands unharmed and stunned for a while and thats it.

Of course, I assume that there is 2 z-level of solid ground and only 1-z level of channel designantion on upper z-level, also one-width tile of 2-z solid ground surrounding hole being digged. No trees.

This cannot went wrong, how you manage to mess it up I have no idea.

[Sus]

Dear UristMcPeon,

I know everybody enjoys a good fist fight every now and then. However, I would posit that picking a fight with the Sheriff/Militia Captain and his +iron battle axe+ may not have been a winning move. In fact, it seems to have been a fast track to a closed-casket funeral.

Idiot.

P.S. Sheriff Dredd, you are familiar with the concept of non-lethal measures, yes? Might consider employing them one of these days.

-mgmt.

(On second thought, nicknaming my Sheriff "Dredd" may not have been the best idea... :/ )