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[Nan]

Dear Zon Rabdastot, Hammerdwarf.

You were ordered, along with the rest of your squad, to finish off some wounded warwolf wrestlers. Your squad got ambushed by Pandashi bowmen and the elite war butches were sent in to give the Pandashi the battle they crave. You however, knew about none of this. Maybe you were having a nice nap. Or perhaps you were enjoying a nice drink of booze, while your squad was fighting for their life. Maybe you had thought "Well, can't fight on an empty stomach can we now" and had a nice meal. I don't know. What I do know, is long after everyone else was outside fighting for the glory of Manorshimmered, you, bleary eyed, beard soaked with booze, and a mouthful of food, finally stepped outside, and got crushed to death by the drawbridge.

Three of your brave squadmates died in battle and will be remembered as heroes who died trying to protect a wounded rookie. You will not. You dishonored your comrades in life, and will be dishonored in death. You will not even receive a slab. You will stand watch over that drawbridge for as long as Manorshimmered stands. May your long vigal by a lonely one.

Sincerely,
The Overseer.

[Sus]

Dear Urist the Builder,

I see you've trapped yourself on top of a wall/ledge/insode a walled-off section of the map for the 100th time. Congratulations. This has to be some kind of record in stupidity.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to bother about saving you from your own idiocy yet again, so you can rot there for all eternity for all I care.

-Your Somewhat Annoyed Overseer

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist the Builder,

I see you've trapped yourself on top of a wall/ledge/insode a walled-off section of the map for the 100th time. Congratulations. This has to be some kind of record in stupidity.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to bother about saving you from your own idiocy yet again, so you can rot there for all eternity for all I care.

-Your Somewhat Annoyed Overseer

Dear Overseer;

I'M KING OF THE WOOOORRRRRLD!!!!!

Sincerely;
Urist McBuilder, standing atop a wall.

[Tarran]

Dear dwarves of my fortress:

Please stop dying of dehydration when there's at least 40 units of booze freshly made. It is incredibly annoying and does not accomplish anything. Yes yes, I know hauling is fun, but don't you think staying alive is more important?

[wierd]

But all that booze is in a single barrel! You don't expect many dwarves like us to share our drink like that do you? That's the kind of thing those pansy elves do!

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McIdiotMayor,

I do apologize for taken so long in fulfilling your demand, but gem windows in dining rooms are kind of low on my list of priorities when I'm trying to budget a single hematite vein and sending the military to go kill a cyclops.

But it's finished now, set up so you can stare through it as you sit in your dining room.

Which is in the very heart of the mountain.

Enjoy the view of dacite.

Idiot.

[krenshala]

Dear dwarves of my fortress:

Please stop dying of dehydration when there's at least 40 units of booze freshly made. It is incredibly annoying and does not accomplish anything. Yes yes, I know hauling is fun, but don't you think staying alive is more important?

When I had this happen they seemed to wait for the 1st of the month, then all ran to grab whatever barrels were available.  Its like they were waiting for payday to get hammered at the bar or something.

[AyeAgree]

Dear Urist Mc Forummod, god damn I just finished making THIS when the porn threads were deleted.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.

[Vehudur]

Dear Urist Mc Forummod, god damn I just finished making THIS when the porn threads were deleted.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.

Dear Urist McAyAgree and others:

I know you've never seen a breast before in your life, but that's no excuse for posting in and bumping the hell out of, a spam thread.   It only encourages the spam.

Sencerely,

A very annoyed dwarven king.

[Reudh]

^This.

[Doctor_Whiteface]

Dear Urist McEveryone,

While I know my fellow Avatars of Armok usually take the piss out of you in this thread, I'd just like to thank all of you for working the past four months of my startup fort, and doing your absolute damnedest to keep up with my unreasonable demands and undwarvenly strict work schedule, putting up with long hours and low rations so that Helmsbridge could be set up as a nice, cozy, well-defended outpost. Especially you, Chief Miner Adil Swordsoars, you're a trooper. Four months and you've not once yet laid your head down to rest and you've only had time for one meal. You single-handedly excavated the entire Dormitories level and all the farm grid on your own while your assistant took a four-week nap.

Oh, and on examining the new migrant wave in Dwarf Therapist, I find that one of them has a decent skill rank of 3 in Appraisal, so there's a Broker for us and better prices when the caravan rolls 'round come winter.

However, I do have a few words of rebuke.

Masons. Yes, you guys. All SIX of you. I ask 100 squares of floor tile laid to form the better part of the ceiling for our entryway/trash heap. I ask this of you on Hematite 17, and it's now past Malachite and you're barely halfway done. Granted, four of you arrived a week after the assignment, and those same four needed to be told which way of a slab was 'down' by reason of having no Masonry experience, but that's still a month with six of you working on it, and there's still almost forty squares left to lay. What, you want I should just cancel the overlapping squares so it's supported by flimsy edge-on connections? Ruin the neatness of it? Actually, that sounds rather pragmatic. Saves stone, and just as secure. Thanks for the idea, guys.

Yours,
Almost-pissed-but-now-quite-pleased Overseer

In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.

[Niccolo]

In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.

Aaaaaaand here comes Urist McMurphy to beat you with his book of laws.

[AyeAgree]

Dear Urist Mc Forummod, god damn I just finished making THIS when the porn threads were deleted.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.

Dear Urist McAyAgree and others:

I know you've never seen a breast before in your life, but that's no excuse for posting in and bumping the hell out of, a spam thread.   It only encourages the spam.

Sencerely,

A very annoyed dwarven king.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dear guy,

seriously, grow a sense of humour, and try to remember I didn't actually bump the spam thread.
I just thought I'd share a friendly poke at the (slow) forum regulation.

sincerely,

Urist McBreastlover

[Reudh]

Dear Urist McAyAgree,

There's regulations for a reason.

Don't give us reason to understand your Escaped Lunatic status.

[Doctor_Whiteface]

In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.

Aaaaaaand here comes Urist McMurphy to beat you with his book of laws.

Another year continues to prove you wrong. The worst that happened in my non-LP fortress Boatmurdered (chose the name myself for irony's sake) was a single death, and that was because of a goblin ambush. The worst injury besides that was a missing third finger, left hand.

I think the low deathrate and stupidity count is aided by the fact that I set up underground farming and wells, then close off the fort from the outside world with a drawbridge, raise the drawbridge, and wall it off from the inside, all three as highest priority.

I'll be sure to post here if any unexpected !!FUN!! decides to occur.