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[Loud Whispers]

Dear Tamud,

You're not a Dwarf,

What are you doing here?

Silly hooman, you can't see in the dark.

[Schizotek]

Dear many many many ghosts of Charbone,
At first your petty antics amused me. But when the ghost of Urist McUselessmouthtofeed nearly killed Charbone's one and only brewer, Gragas, the line had to be drawn. It's not my fault you useless sacrifices keep showing up on my doorstep. My mason and engraver are now taking time from their busy schedules to make memorials for you all. We will be using your ludicrous number of tombstones as paving tiles from here on out. Good work murdering those other useless migrants however.
-the Overseer.

Dear Durin Ironfounderson,
As amusing as it is watching one of the two members of Charbone's military slaughtering amphibian men with an oak training axe, I would please ask you to drop it during actual battle in favor of your artifact steel axe. It won't be as funny watching you get torn apart by that blind giant beetle while flailing your stick at it. Forgotten beasts are not a joke, and no member of our small (but wealthy and mighty) stronghold is disposable. Except the sacrifices you never meet but probably hear and smell burning, drowning, exploding, and getting poked full of holes.
- your loving and patient Overseer

[Alternatecash]

Dear Baron,
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.

-Zietgiest of Drillmines.

Dear Zeitgeist:

The mayor's room is still too shiny! How dare he think he is good enough for brass?
The arrogance of some dwarves, I tell you...

- Baron of Drillmines

Dear Baron,
You will see that you have been assigned a new office, also furnished in steel. You will see also a beautiful steel lever, menacing with spikes of Opal.
Kindly activate it, as it will ensure that your newest demands for a crystal glass window in your bedroom will be met. Thank you.
-Zietgiest of Drill mines

[wierd]

Dear zeitgiest of drillmines,

Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:

A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.

You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.

Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.

Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.

Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines

[Greiger]

To Dracon Butcher #2

Nobody is telling you how to do your job, or telling you not to use the advantages I have modded you to have.

But I told you to butcher a donkey.  You ran out the front gate and with one swipe of your claw relieved a Cavy of it's right front leg then ran back into the fortress to get a drink leaving it to bleed to death.  Eventually butcher #1 went and fetched the dumb ass from the other side of the lake.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- The Administration

[Lagslayer]

To Dracon Butcher #2

Nobody is telling you how to do your job, or telling you not to use the advantages I have modded you to have.

But I told you to butcher a donkey.  You ran out the front gate and with one swipe of your claw relieved a Cavy of it's right front leg then ran back into the fortress to get a drink leaving it to bleed to death.  Eventually butcher #1 went and fetched the dumb ass from the other side of the lake.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- The Administration

Best. Butcher. EVER!

Wonder how he would fare against a siege.

[Sus]

Dear Urist McNoble:

A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!

To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed

I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over.  Is that so wrong for one of my stature?

Sincerely;
Urist McNoble

Scribbled on this wall is a message from 'Sus' Palmedface. It is decorated with hanging rings of literary references and menacing with spikes of sarcasm.

"Sir,

Thank you for evoking that particular mental image.
I'll be sure to get right to work on your fancy impossible bed of self-voyeurism. In the meantime, you can admire this masterful Wall I had built just for you, where the door out of your quarters used to be. I had it made out of cat soap because I know how much you love cats. I trust you will find it is quite unsurpassable. While we useful dwarves labor towards your new... resting place, feel free to partake in the fine -<<-Prickle Berry Wine Casque->>- I left in your dining room.

Your Humblest Servant,
'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer

P.S. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.

P.P.S. On second thought, holding your breath just might be prudent right now..."

</in character>
Note to Self: Do not read this forum at the office while waiting for the work-related stuff to load. It's kind of hard to look all focused and professional while also trying not to laugh so hard it brings trears to your eyes... 

[ThatAussieGuy]

To: As Munestrigoth, Boyer.

You have one.  ONE more chance to get out the magma tank of the pumpstack.  If you do not vacate it when the wall is removed THIS time and decide to remain in it "On my break", I'll personally see to it you spend a long vacation in there with only magma for company.  You have been warned!

Sincerely;

Your MalevolentBenevolent Overlord Evil Master Overseer

Dear Urist McNoble:

A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!

To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed

I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over.  Is that so wrong for one of my stature?

Sincerely;
Urist McNoble

Scribbled on this wall is a message from 'Sus' Palmedface. It is decorated with hanging rings of literary references and menacing with spikes of sarcasm.

"Sir,

Thank you for evoking that particular mental image.
I'll be sure to get right to work on your fancy impossible bed of self-voyeurism. In the meantime, you can admire this masterful Wall I had built just for you, where the door out of your quarters used to be. I had it made out of cat soap because I know how much you love cats. I trust you will find it is quite unsurpassable. While we useful dwarves labor towards your new... resting place, feel free to partake in the fine -<<-Prickle Berry Wine Casque->>- I left in your dining room.

Your Humblest Servant,
'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer

P.S. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.

P.P.S. On second thought, holding your breath just might be prudent right now..."

</in character>
Note to Self: Do not read this forum at the office while waiting for the work-related stuff to load. It's kind of hard to look all focused and professional while also trying not to laugh so hard it brings trears to your eyes... 

You're welcome. 

[Johuotar]

Dear King Urist McNoble

I just gave you 3 rooms of solid gold, please stop tantruming.

Your faithul overseer, Johuotar.

[Reudh]

Dear Overseer Johuotar,

But... but... the duke has a room almost as good as mine!

And a peasant has a room! What is this travesty?

Sincerely,
King Urist McNoble.

[miauw62]

Dear Urist McLastSurvivorOfFloodingDisaesterWhitMiningLaborOnAndWhitPickFromDeadMinerInReach,

I would apreciate if you used that pick to mine your way out of there, so i can enjoy this flooded fortress a little more.

[ThatAussieGuy]

To: The Hill Titan Apasi Ragoars, The Skin of Birds

Sit still, you stupid oversized turtle!  My magma defenses may aim in all four cardinal directions, but it takes time to switch the levers!  I won't rest till I have Boiled Titan Turtle Soup in my dinnerbowl, goddammit!

Sincerely; The Overseer of Hamebalanced

[Sus]

To: The Hill Titan Apasi Ragoars, The Skin of Birds

Sit still, you stupid oversized turtle!  My magma defenses may aim in all four cardinal directions, but it takes time to switch the levers!  I won't rest till I have Boiled Titan Turtle Soup in my dinnerbowl, goddammit!

Sincerely; The Overseer of Hamebalanced

Dear Overseer,

Not enough gun. 

- Apasi Ragoars, Ninja Turtle

[MountainGnome]

To: Urist McMigrant x4
From: Overseer

While I appreciate that you really wanted to get into our fine fortress, we do in fact have a front entrance.  Why you decided to take the long way around through the shallow water of the river we were damming up and into the the underground channel we made to route it through the fortress I do not know.  I am sorry that you all died when a combination of lever pulling and me just generally not caring about a couple of soap makers and another gem setter flooded the "still full of you now also full of water" underground river; but please be aware that your bodies will not be retrieved, you can rot in the overflow channel for all eternity.  Maybe you'll get a slab.

-- The Overseer.

[Vgray]

To: The Dwarves of the Fortress of Gembishzas, "Sealcrystal".

From: The Management.

Stop eating so much! All 41 of you. And lay off the mushroom wine while your at it.