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[wierd]

Dear Urist McStonemason,

Can you please explain to me why you feel compelled to cancel a wall construction order, citing that the space is occupied by a creature, when in fact, there is no creature there at all?

I understand that at one point in time there was a turkey there. The turkey was struck down mercilessly for being a waste of flesh, and the corpse has long since decomposed. There is no longer even the slightest trace of turkey on the section of megaproject I wish for you to construct the wall on. I understand how you have a phobia of turkeys ever since "the incident" you had last spring, however, this turkey is dead and has been for quite some time.

Kindly refrain from countermanding my architechtural build orders in the future, unless you wish to know the price for insubbordinate behavior.

Cordially yours, the overseer.

[miauw62]

Dear UristMcMiner.

You useless bastard. You were assigned with killing the crystal FB who just came in, and you ran the moment you saw it. Nevermind, a useless wax worker just punched it in half.

Dear Uristmcoversee-thingy (failspelling )

I actually did help in the fight, i was tactically retreating so i could plan out the strategy to use, and i weakend the crystals whit my mind.

Signed, Urst McMiner

[zimer02]

Dear Urist McMiner,

I still don't understand that while I was digging a 1z level pit under my bridge to protect against invaders you had to jump one zlevel and into the cavein even though you were standing on stable ground. Actions like that can lead to injury and death (mostly death).

Dear Urist McMechanic

Why is it that when I wanted you to make one mechanism it takes you 9 months to make? What in god's name stopped you from making it? For Armok's sake you're wife had son before you decided to make the damn thing! And then after I got the trap set you went on a "fey mood" and took the all the iron I had smelted to make a mechanism. Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? Report immediately to your bedroom to be locked in it intill you starve to death. I don't care if you have a wife and kids you are sentenced to dwarven capital punishment.

Signed, Urist McExpeditionleader.

[Sting_Auer]

Dear Urist McDwarven rights activist:

The Condemned are not wanted. They are of no use to us and do nothing more than hog the booze and food. A Purging Chamber is the best way to deal with this. Now, quit your whining, and get back to work before we change your job to "condemned"

Sincerely,

Urist McStalin

[Jimmitheking]

Dear Urist Mcgatekeeper

I understand you are sleepy. Passing your days near the entrance drawbridge, watching for goblins, can be hard indeed.
But you still must stay on your guard, as we recently encoutered many snatchers and it might soon get worst.
You are able to sleep. But please. Sleep in the gate-house! Dormiratory are for the low-life and migrants without revelant skills.
Sleeping in dormiratorys is innapropriate for someone with a post of your importance; gate-keeper.
We have dogs in case some goblins trys to sneak-in, but they wont defeat them for sure as easily as a dwarf like you.

So please, return to your post...

Yours,
The Mayor

----

Dear Urist McCook.

I understand your artistic taste for complicated recipes for simple meals.
When i order you to make some "easy meal", i actually mean cooking some meat, wich IS easy.
I dont mean create by some unknown unprobable cookies made out of giant rat meat, and cookies made out of plump helmet.
Please do an effort to make simple recipes.

PS-edit: I just recieved your little gift. I admit those plump helmets cookies are good...
I'm throwing this letter into magma! Thanks!

-A letter found on the mayor's table

[Cheveux]

Dear Urist McOnlyWeaponsmithOfTheFortress,

I'm really sorry about ordering the melting of your first and only masterpiece, it was an oversight to just designated every silver large serrated disc for melting.
Still, you shouldn't have punched SteelPick McLegendaryMiner in the toe. I liked you a lot, you were the only mayor that made doable demands, like helms, shortswords and other copper stuff. You will be entombed in your legendary bedroom in an artefact steel sarcophagus, if I can find your right foot and your head.

Your wife, Urist McOnlyArmorsmithOfTheFortress, will start doing your old job.

Yours truly,
The Overseer

[Clockwise Onions]

Dear Urist McBaron,

The metalsmiths have told you many times, they cannot fashion beds made of iron. Continuing to demand one in your bedroom and then punching cats because we cannot grant you one will only result in further frustration and tension in the fortress. In order to abate your rage for just a little while longer, while the metalsmiths consult with the carpenters on the art of bedmaking, I would like to invite you to pull this lever. Once pulled you shall feel a warm and comforting sensation begin to surround you.

Sincerely, Supreme Overseer of Fortress ForestMurder

[Schizotek]

Dear Urist,

CONGRATULATIONS!! I've decided to allow you to become member twenty-six of Charbone!! You displayed an amazing will to live when you and your family alone survived charging into a goblin siege barehanded with your fellow stranded migrants. You went on to show off your callousness and dedication to achieving your objectives when you beat your berserk 4 year old son to death with your bare hands. Perhaps the sight of him choking your wife to death helped? In any case, please proceed into the temple of Armok upon the artificial plateau overlooking the fort. Go into the MIDDLE hallway, not the side passages (those are for failures like your other son, he'll spend the rest of his exceedingly short, melting life in service to Armok), and pull the lever closing the floodgate behind you. Please proceed to your freshly constructed legendary bedroom. You'll be happy to know that there's a very favorable gender ratio here for a newly single dwarf.

-The overseer

[Alternatecash]

Dear Baron,
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.

-Zietgiest of Drillmines.

[ThatAussieGuy]

To:  The Local Goblins
Re: Laying Siege to Hamebalanced.

You lot just LEFT!  Why the hell has another siege suddenly turned up on my doorstep?  If you're looking for the first group of goblins that came to siege us, THEY JUST LEFT!  If you hurry, you can catch them and leave us to building our magma defense weapon red hand of happy liquid friendship in peace!

Sincerely; 
The dwarves of Hamebalanced.

[Niccolo]

Dear Baron,
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.

-Zietgiest of Drillmines.

Dear Zeitgeist:

The mayor's room is still too shiny! How dare he think he is good enough for brass?
The arrogance of some dwarves, I tell you...

- Baron of Drillmines

[Sus]

Dear Urist McLeverpuller,

I know it's hard to resist the call of that sweet, sweet +Dwarven Beer Stew+, even for a moment.
But I urge you to please, please consider the following: Unless you pull that lever over there by the dining hall entrance right now, the horde of Goblin spearmen currently standing on the bridge over a 10 z-level drop will cross the bridge, merrily waltz into the fortress proper and murder everyone you know, including yourself and your little cat, too.

Dear Urist McNoble:

A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!

Dear Urist McAxdorf,

I know it's kind of a bore to just stand around, defending a burrow no-one is currently attacking. But I assure you: they will come, in their good time. You will get your chance at glory and severed motor nerves eventually. Please don't throw away your life by trying to solo 30+ goblins in the meantime. Think of your family. Think of your poor, orphaned Cavy pup. Choose life!

-Signed, 'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist McLeverpuller,

I know it's hard to resist the call of that sweet, sweet +Dwarven Beer Stew+, even for a moment.
But I urge you to please, please consider the following: Unless you pull that lever over there by the dining hall entrance right now, the horde of Goblin spearmen currently standing on the bridge over a 10 z-level drop will cross the bridge, merrily waltz into the fortress proper and murder everyone you know, including yourself and your little cat, too.

Urist McLeverpuller cancels reply:  Getting drunk off lunch

Dear Urist McNoble:

A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!

To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed

I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over.  Is that so wrong for one of my stature?

Sincerely;
Urist McNoble

Dear Urist McAxdorf,

I know it's kind of a bore to just stand around, defending a burrow no-one is currently attacking. But I assure you: they will come, in their good time. You will get your chance at glory and severed motor nerves eventually. Please don't throw away your life by trying to solo 30+ goblins in the meantime. Think of your family. Think of your poor, orphaned Cavy pup. Choose life!

-Signed, 'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer

Thirty goblins isn't a siege, IT'S A CHALLENGE! *Urist McAxedwarf cancels discussion; Entering martial trance*

[ledgekindred]

Dear Urist McAxedwarf,

You were assigned to train in your barracks when the siege arrived.  You were also given an adamantine battleaxe, made from some of the few precious adamantine wafers we have thus far collected, worthy of your status as a legendary axedwarf.  So why, why did you decide to drop your shield and axe and waltz outside to shake hands with the goblin master lasher?  And by "shake hands" I mean "have both arms lashed off before having your brain ripped out of your skull in short order."  You couldn't even have waited until the siege passed the line of cage traps I have set up to gather material for my experimental forgotten beast system?  Well, now you are dead and stuffed into a nondescript coffin.

Dear Urist McBonkers,

I'm sorry you lost an arm trying to rescue Urist McDumbass axedwarf.  Perhaps if you had visited the hospital to get it looked at instead of continuing to bleed out while doing individual combat drills, you wouldn't have become so miserable that you threw a tantrum and whacked my broker/bookkeeper/manager in the face with your silver warhammer, causing his head to instantly turn into a fine mist of dwarf head, skull and brains.  Which caused one of his marksdwarf friends to throw a tantrum and attempt to punch a war dog to death, only succeeding in breaking its back and splattering blood around.  Then you decided to go stark raving mad.  Your stuff will be reassigned to the next "volunteer" to the hammer squad and your dead body will be placed into a nondescript coffin next to the previously addressed dumbass.  As soon as you starve to death.  Which I would appreciate if you would hurry up and do.

Dear Rest of Military,

(Or at least the ones who responded to my orders to go out and try to rescue Urist McDumbass instead of run off downstairs and mill about before deciding to go back on duty.)  You routed the siege.  A couple of you got titles.  A couple of you added to your already ridiculously-long kill lists.  Such as "Nil Typhoonwork, the Tin Soldier of Caves" with 43 notable kills and counting.  (Clad, however, in steel, not tin, and wielding Stindurad "The Strifeful Beard", an iron short sword.)  Mmmmmmmmaybe I should have had enough faith in your skills to go save the elven caravan before the siege got to them, but meh, they're just elves. 

Yrs
Illustrious Overseer

[terkiey]

Dear Urist,

Yes, that is a puddle up to your knees, no you can't swim.