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[Magmodeus]

Dear Urist McGarbageDisposal and Urist McPrisoner/Animalchucker

Use the garbage disposal pit next time instead dumping all the crap inside the meeting hall. Thanks to your stupidity I have to make more coffins and tombs.

Sincerely, Me

[Hitty40]

Dear Urist McFucktard,

Please do not kill other Dwarves.

Signed, Urist McAdministrator.

[Alternatecash]

Dear Dorfs,
I understand that the diamond-encrusted gold well with the artifact ruby bucket is party central, but you're starving to death. And out of booze. And the halls are full of the rotting corpses of your slain brethren. So, not to be a nag, but could you maybe do some work?

[jamesadelong]

Dear Dorfs,
I understand that the diamond-encrusted gold well  is party central, but you're starving to death. And out of booze. And the halls are full of the rotting corpses of your slain brethren. So, not to be a nag, but could you maybe do some work?

Dear Overseer

Why did you build the Diamond-encrusted gold well with the artifact ruby bucket is you didn't want us to admire it? We might as well die happy than to die with the reminder of the suffering going on around us.

[Doctor_Whiteface]

MEMORANDUM:

To: Urist McNohands
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Recent material requests

While we can appreciate that you valiantly fought off a dozen clowns single-handedly while your demoted-to-Hauler fellow Militiadorfs milled around a few z-levels above the circus, losing your remaining hand and one leg in the process and finally necessitating the creation of a hospital in Smoothbanners Barony after 42 years injury-free, you have been shouting at the top of your lungs about your lack of graspers for several weeks now and we in Administration are sick of your voice cluttering up our notification trumpets. As such, we have decided - under Armok's holy direction - to redistribute you in a more resourceful direction. Report to the butchery immediately and close your eyes. Urist McButcher will take it from there. Then Haul Squad 14 will take you outside for a bit. You will likely be reassigned as a companion to the next caravan to visit Smoothbanners Barony.

To: Urist McAdmin
From: Armok
RE: Child

Your dedication to duty is most inspiring, Commander. However, it is disturbing to My bloodied Eyes to see your firstborn languishing in the cavernous lakes. I have, in My wisdom, removed the need for breath, sustenance, and even liquor from your tiny bodies. However, that does not mean that you should leave your firstborn daughter at the bottom of a waterlogged mineshaft for eight months until she grows large enough to crawl out on her own.

To: Urist McDumbass
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Intelligence, or lack thereof

We assigned you to mining duty because it is almost literally impossible to make a botch job of it. Of course you, having caused the only structural collapse in the history of the Barony, would find a way to misinterpret our instructions in such a way that you unearthed a previously-undiscovered cavern. We congratulate you on this discovery, and regret to hear that you broke both legs and an arm in the process of this discovery. Since your haphazard channeling technique has quite ruined the layout of the former goblin-pit, we are incapable of sending a retrieval specialist at this time. We hope you will bear with us until such time as we locate your current elevation and dig a tunnel to you. Or not. To be honest, this is really all your fault and we have another dozen Legendary miners who can smooth stone faster than you as well. We might just leave you there for a few decades as a sort of lesson. Armok-be-praised that since we don't have to eat or drink, you'll probably survive.

To: What remains of Mason Squad 4
From: Urist McArchitect
RE: Planning failure

When I asked you to wall around the ticket booth after making the floors, I meant for you to do it before the clowns tried to escape. The two of you will get this note should you ever wake up, and the attached notice that you are moved to Hauling, effective upon consciousness.

To: Clowns
From: Armok
RE: Circusgoers

Congrats, guys. You cacked it up again. How am I supposed to get any entertainment out of My creations if you storm their fortress so slowly that they have time to build walls, build a bridge, build a lever, link the lever to the bridge by way of a Novice mechanic, then pull the lever and block off your circus before you get in more than half a dozen kills? Seriously, have some initiative.

((Note: Modded the annoying can't-pick-up-objects-I-have-no-arms message spammer so he would be butchered. I love Runesmith.))

[Callista]

((Can you point me to an explanation of how to mod generally-nonbutcherable things to be butcherable? Thanks...))

[Loud Whispers]

((Can you point me to an explanation of how to mod generally-nonbutcherable things to be butcherable? Thanks...))

under entity_default, under [ENTITY_MOUNTAIN] change
 

Code: [Select]

[ETHIC:EAT_SAPIENT_OTHER:UNTHINKABLE]
[ETHIC:EAT_SAPEINT_KILL:UNTHINKABLE to

Code: [Select]

[EAT_SAPIENT_OTHER:ACCEPTABLE]
[EAT_SAPIENT_KILL:ACCEPTABLE]

[Doctor_Whiteface]

((Can you point me to an explanation of how to mod generally-nonbutcherable things to be butcherable? Thanks...))

I use Runesmith, so I just paused the game, connected Runesmith to my current session, scrolled to the nut who was spamming my message box with 'can't pick my stuff up,' went to Flags, clicked the box next to 'slaughter,' clicked the Write Changes button, and laughed as my Broker dragged him off to the butchery.

[Doctor_Whiteface]

MEMORANDUM:

To: Urist McPetless
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Calls of distress

We are well aware that there is no food in Smoothbanners Barony, nor any method of growing or producing any due to the recent human caravan leaving with the last unicorn biscuits. However, endlessly repeating that you cannot feed your pet Cavy due to lack of food, when said Cavy has been dead and butchered for six months, especially when the boots you are wearing are decorated with his bones, is unacceptable. Report to the butchery for reassignment parallel to Urist McNohands.

To: Ghosty McMiner
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Terror

We are building a walkway to your skeletal corpse as fast as we can and we have a tomb reserved for you, please stop disrupting the workers.

To: Urist McTreechopper
From: Militia Squad 3 (the Bulbous Balls)
RE: Bravery and lack thereof

You are a Legendary Swordsdwarf and Legendary Marksdwarf. Kindly act the part when out gathering pinewood and do not run away from every rhesus macaque that looks in your general direction. You are wearing a full suit of Adamantine armor and carrying both a crossbow and a longsword made from same. Tiny thieving monkeys cannot possibly hurt you.

------

Dear Urist McBaron,

While we appreciate that you have a liking for Slade, and that Armok has in His wisdom created the stone in such a way that it crumbles at the Dorfen touch, mandating production of 35 Slade doors is beyond our willingness to cooperate. Instead, because we plebians of Smoothbanners Barony do not believe in subtlety or mincing around, we have channeled a path into your ceiling from the above-ground lava moat and a second path from the local pond. We shall reclaim your armor and the contents of your room after you have finished cooling.

Regards,
Masons' Union, Hauling Squad 4, Channeling Squad 3 (collectively the Revolutionary Council)

------

To: All Fortress Administrators worldwide and in other worlds
From: Overseer Whiteface
RE: Idiocy Prevention

There exists a simple method to prevent wall-based idiocy, friends. First build the wall, but leave out one square. Then, make a bridge that closes into a wall in that square. Connect a lever and pull said lever. Wall complete, idiocy avoided. For extra security, build an extra three wall sections around the bridge on the inside so that, even should said bridge be destroyed in some manner, the destroyers will still be unable to get in. If you have something that can destroy walls, blocking the area behind the bridge is the least of your worries.

[Jimmy T. Malice]

Dear Urist McMason,

While I appreciate you're disgusted by the miasma coming from your leader's rotting lower left arm, perhaps you should take it outside instead of putting it in the stone stockpile.

[jamesadelong]

To: Dworfs
From: Management
RE: Update on the fortress
You death is not rewarded. Ignore the fallen. Retake the library!

Management

[Broseph Stalin]

To UristMcMigrant x12

You just beat a Cyclops to death with your bare hands and suffered no casualties while over half of my military was killed fighting a giant pile of vomit. You are now my military and I shall see to it each of you will be given a brand new pair of socks.

Overseer

[Andreus]

To: Any and All Dwarves With Leg Injuries
From: The Management

Stop trying to feed injured or imprisoned dwarves. It would quite literally be more efficient to relocate the entire food stockpile to their cells than for you to carry it to them. The mayor's spouse being dead? Yeah guys, that's on you.

To: Urdim Istbarsodel Tatekolthez, Weaponsmith, Swordmaster and Wielder of Tustzalerib
From: The Management

Yes, I am keenly aware that, with a kill list larger than the next three largest in the fortress and a named sword, you are possibly the most deadly non-megabeast historical figure currently alive.

That doesn't mean you can spend an entire half-year "On Break". Get back to work and make me more godsdamned swords.

To: Duke Onul Itonottan
From: The Management

We now quite literally have enough splints that if every dwarf in the fortress were to break all four limbs at once, we'd have enough splints to set all of them.

STOP MANDATING THEIR CONSTRUCTION.

[Jimmy T. Malice]

To: Any and All Dwarves With Leg Injuries
From: The Management

Stop trying to feed injured or imprisoned dwarves. It would quite literally be more efficient to relocate the entire food stockpile to their cells than for you to carry it to them. The mayor's spouse being dead? Yeah guys, that's on you.

To: Urdim Istbarsodel Tatekolthez, Weaponsmith, Swordmaster and Wielder of Tustzalerib
From: The Management

Yes, I am keenly aware that, with a kill list larger than the next three largest in the fortress and a named sword, you are possibly the most deadly non-megabeast historical figure currently alive.

That doesn't mean you can spend an entire half-year "On Break". Get back to work and make me more godsdamned swords.

To: Duke Onul Itonottan
From: The Management

We now quite literally have enough splints that if every dwarf in the fortress were to break all four limbs at once, we'd have enough splints to set all of them.

STOP MANDATING THEIR CONSTRUCTION.

Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...

[Aleksander]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner

When I set all dwarves to a burrow inside the fort because there is a goblin army that just slaughtered the military, please actually go to the burrow and not go outside the for to do god knows what.