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[krenshala]

Ya beat me to it, Necro.  I was gonna ask if he had joined you guys in the MLF addiction.

[Necro910]

Ya beat me to it, Necro.  I was gonna ask if he had joined you guys in the MLF addiction.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Fear my ninja skills

[Reudh]

Lolnope, just modded unicorns. :3

[Loud Whispers]

I suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.

Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.

[krenshala]

I suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.

Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.

So, do you dig them out, or just slap a slab onto the block of ice that has become his tomb?

[Loud Whispers]

I suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.

Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.

So, do you dig them out, or just slap a slab onto the block of ice that has become his tomb?

I try to extend my fortress around them, and build lovely gardens and meeting zones around them. Observe the frozen cave-dwarves future dwarves!

[Deus Machina]

Dear haulers of Dashbook,

The compactor has an active dump zone, literally five steps from you.
Every other dump zone has been turned inactive. The closest is 12 Z-levels up.
It now has a hatch blocking you from using the adjoining staircase.
Why are you idiots walking 35 spaces to the staircase, up to 58 Z-levels up, then 35 spaces back, to drop that stone down the delivery chute you just removed it from?

-The overseer, who will be drafting and stationing your dumb asses at the bottom of the delivery chute.

[imperium3]

All soldiers of Akrulatol,

That was a good job dealing with the forgotten beast that recently attacked, yes the one with poisonous blood. And seriously, I'm very pleased that you took good care to clean your armour of the blood afterwards - you're too important to wander around risking contagion.

HOWEVER, and I don't know who it was, please do NOT wash the blood off in the middle of the main staircase to the underground storage, where anyone might step in it. If you need assurance as to why, why not take a day's leave to visit Urist McLegendaryCook's funeral while you ponder exactly who is going to make your lunch rations from now on...

The Management

[Reudh]

To Zaneg Larmomuz, Militia Commander of Zalisiden.

Seconds after we were made a barony, we received word that a hadrosaur with deadly dust was approaching. I sent you and Thob, our two finest swords(wo)men down to deal with it. I did not expect you to get knocked unconscious with the first hit, sealing Thob's fate. He may be strong and fast, but not as much as you. Naturally, he and his three recruits were killed near instantly.

Then by the time you had recovered, it had made its way to the main living space. Zaneg, by your weakness you caused the death of TEN and the injury of twenty more. And because you were too busy being unconscious, one of our miners had to deal with the Forgotten Beast. She killed it, but has received serious injury.

To top it all off, while you were unconscious, one of our wood burners went berserk because of lack of cloth, and chased the engraver around his jail cell until you killed him, then he killed EIGHT MORE before you finally saw fit to deal with him.

Zaneg, you're not my favourite anymore. Thob was an up-and-coming young star, and he died because of you. Eighteen others died indirectly. Twenty may never recover.
I have given you four recruits, it is all I can spare now. We are so shortstaffed that if they were to die, I simply could not conscript anyone else as they're involved in the running of the fortress. Thank Armok that our Stray Baron (tame) did not get killed.

Yours rather grumpily,
Reudh

[ledgekindred]

Dear Armok, or the Anti-Armok, or ... fuck I dunno,

Stop it with the bleeding syndromes on the forgotten beasts please.  The first time was amusing, when it caused my dwarves to get all bruised up and bleed randomly.  Fortunately that one went away without causing any serious harm. 

The second time was, to be honest, hilarious, causing severe vomiting and near-instant death from bleeding out through the feet.  I could only imagine dorfs walking along, stepping in a puddle of your goo, looking down and power vomiting on their feet, then having their feet explode, showering the halls with vomit-covered, bloody foot-chunks.  I laughed.

But this is a bit much.  I have yet another Forgotten Beast, this time with poisonous vapors.  From what I can tell by how it tore through my early-warning guard dogs, its vapor causes all the blood in their body to decide to be somewhere else instantly, i.e. not inside the body, quite explosively.  I can't wait to see what this does to my legendary military.  And after that, the rest of my fort.

What's up with all this explosive bleeding you keep sending at me?  Why couldn't you send me a Forgotten Beast that, say, caused hiccups, or made my dwarves feel mildly embarrassed for a short time?  Vomiting and passing out would be fine.  It would be like a bit frat party.  But making all my dwarves bleed to death is getting kind of old.

Yrs,
Either your humble servant or your cheesed-off overseer, depending on who the hell gets this letter.

[Reudh]

Dear LedgeKindred, minor deity of whatever fort I have seen fit to place you in:

Blood is good, yes? Be it inside or out. I prefer it outside. You haven't paid me the tribute of blood for the blood god, so I am sending my failures to coax you to tribute. All the better that the one has explosive blood. I remember him.

Yours bloodily,
Junior Secretary to Armok's half-brother's nephew Armisgood, Screwtape.

[mdqp]

Dear Urist McMason,

I know that you work hard everyday, create a lot of useful things whenever we need them, and your efforts are greatly appreciated.
I also know that after all that work, you might feel like your resting time is sacred, that you need it in order to work properly, but please, PLEASE, when I call onto your services to wall off a section of the mine that just recently breached hell itself, could you at least think about starting to move before the demons come to knock at your door next time?

Yours sincerely,
Mdqp, hivemind of your (now gone) fortress.

[calico103]

To all Migrants:

Stop having High Master in skills we don't need. Especially you, Urist McCheesemaker.

Hoping you find a better life in fishing,
Calico



To the Mountainhomes:

Send more chickens. The wild badgers killed ours.

Hoping something horrible happens to the badger population,
Calico

[Reudh]

To Urist McArchitectAndMason

I asked you to build a drawbridge a year ago. You haven't even started it. Now we are under siege. Watch them waltz right inside and slaughter us all.

Sincerely, Reudh, grumpy overseer of Zalisiden.

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Elves,

I am surprised. I tried to learn your customs, indeed only using Elf wood in the hopes of improving our civilisation's peace, and let the trees grow unhindered and untouched by Dwarven axes. I protected your caravans, even when you sent them during siege, fully knowing it would cause countless deaths on the hands of the Dwarves. We even supplied your retreats with hundreds of Urists worth of food and drink, even offering large bounties of crafts and trades goods, looking for any signs of thankfulness, and as of yet we have still been waiting. But yet, we still had been content.

Now, you demand we hand over our adamantine, and it is clear you show no intent to repay your debts, and clearly do not want to share the gift of immortality to Dwarves.
We are not fools. We declare war on your race, and will not stop till you, or we, are all dead.
Brace yourself, tree-folk, for we shall rain down floods of magma across your forests, the fires will become the fuel for our forges, animals butchered to feed our armies and all of your people slain. And we will share our adamantine with you, as we are kind Dwarves, though this will invariably come in the form of an axe to your thick skulls.


~Sincerely, the Overseer.


P.s, please devour the diplomat sent to tell this message, he has annoyed me greatly, and I do not want to waste the effort of building him a coffin.