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[nightwhips]

... If it weren't for the fact that a corpse on the obelisk point would ruin the perfection of the tower...

See, I think this is where you're wrong...

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Doren Domainhall, the Amazing Mountain of Roughness (Militia Commander)

You have THIRTY notable kills, admittedly a lot of those were goblins and trolls, and another handful of random creature kills.  You are the fortress badass as well as being decked out in full cotton candy armor.

SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM THE RAT MONSTER?!  Go over and kill it right now before it gets inside the Circus Camp, or else you'll be playing in my next game of Dwarven Checkers! Probably with the Nobles, if they start coming anytime soon.  You. Are. On. NOTICE!

Sincerely:  The Circus-Insulting Australian Overlord.

[Melissia]

Dear Urist Miner Guild,

Please stop mining piecemeal.  Jumping between z-levels of my magma pump system's shaft is not at all helpful.  I would like to start building from the botom up, something which you would prevent me from doing-- and for what purpose?

No purpose.  Your digging is uninspired, disorganized, and stupid.  If you do not rectify this, I will be forced to implement plan 79-ONDAIG-β-Altair, and you will know fear.

-- Oveseer Melissia.

[Crazy Cow]

To the dwarves of Urnsquirts,
Please stop trying to clean the crundle blood. The main problem I have with that idea is that the blood you are trying to clean is coming out of crundle veins this very second.
- Overseer

[Iton Ibrukrithzam]

To the dwarves of Gosmermestthos,

I know times are tough, and our food supply ran out 6 days ago.  Still, I think you'd find this problem easily rectified if if just one or two of you(Urists McHerbalist and McButcher, I'm looking at you) would stop milling aimlessly around the meeting hall and go do some of that clearly assigned and accessible food-gathering I've told you to do.  Yes, I know you'd rather be eating food, that is why you should GO GET SOME.

~The overseer

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McAlmostStarvesAllTheTimeDueToHisOwnStupidity

Have you considered getting a shorter name?  I mean, "DoesNotStarveDueToHisOwnStupidity" is certainly much easier to fit on a tablet, I'm sure you'll agree. 

-- Overseer Melissia.

Dear Overseer Melissia,
Aye, it be me family's great shame, that name.
Mayhaps you are implying that I be deserving
the name as me great-great-grandpappy did?
Well, if ye describe the situation to yer fellow
ovr'seers better, they c'n help ye out more.
Sincerely,
Urist McAlmostStarvesAllTheTimeDueToHisOwnS
tupidity. By Armok, this parchment's tiny!

[Telgin]

Dear Urist McBrewer,

What are you doing down in the caverns stealing stuff from the locals and getting bitten in the eye and kicked in the guts?  You're supposed to be in the fort brewing!

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Daemon Invaders,
Please stop killing everyone. You have actually lost more than we have (not counting assorted livestock, cats, etc). You have also driven off the elven merchants, which normally I wouldn't mind, but this time they brought a GIANT FUCKING BADGER. I understand that by forging a large(ish) number of large, serrated disks I have increased my wealth, but seriously. Are you going to go back to wherever you hail from and show off some large, sharp, flat items proudly looted from our fort? Or maybe you intend to squat here once we're dead.
I have news for you. Next time, we'll be stronger. I am about to set up a danger room, expansions to our current trap system will be complete, the entrance corridor will be roofed, and I will have the barracks window replaced with some nice fortifications. You. Will. Be. Screwed.
Sincerely,
The one who WILL bring !!DEATH!! to your soldiers.

[Crazy Cow]

Oh, someone is actually using that mod? :p
Good to know :D

[Melissia]

Dear Urist Meatshield McSpeardwarf

Congratulations are in order.  You have survived long enough to be considered worthy of your Iron chainmail, leggings, boots, gauntlets, and helm.  Furthermore, I have upgraded you from wooden pointy sticks to Iron pointy sticks.

Now stop being so pissy.  Don't worry.  Be happy.  You shouldn't spend the rest of your meager pathetic life being meager and pathetic.  I just completed an order for 120 barrels of beer.  Drink and be merry.  Tomorrow we dig for Adamantiuim.  Tomorrow you'll probably die.

-- Overseer Melissia, currently somewhere other than the dwarf fortress in question (for obvious reasons).

[CaptainBadwheel]

Dear Urist Mcbeekeeper
We all love mead, and I actually built those beehives specifically so you would have something to do when your not in the army. Why the hell do you always try to walk out the door during sieges? We're in lock down they've got archers and your not helping any by oscillating through the door (preventing its locking) screaming that you can't collect bees for our hives. Your partner in beekeeping got caught dicking around at the edge of the map and is now doing his best impression of a porcupine, a dead one. Get it? Also why do you always come back tired, dehydrated, and hungry? Do you always have to take this beekeeping stuff to the extreme?
The Overseer

ps- Next time the Giant Badgers can have you.

[BackgroundGuy]

Dear Urist Mcbeekeeper
We all love mead, and I actually built those beehives specifically so you would have something to do when your not in the army. Why the hell do you always try to walk out the door during sieges? We're in lock down they've got archers and your not helping any by oscillating through the door (preventing its locking) screaming that you can't collect bees for our hives. Your partner in beekeeping got caught dicking around at the edge of the map and is now doing his best impression of a porcupine, a dead one. Get it? Also why do you always come back tired, dehydrated, and hungry? Do you always have to take this beekeeping stuff to the extreme?
The Overseer

ps- Next time the Giant Badgers can have you.

Dear Overseer
I dinnae understand it, but everytime I follow tha bees back to their hive, it isn't there!  I stand around for days, tryin' ta do my part for tha fort, but I can't find the hive!  I'm terribly sorry for endangerin' everyone, and the goblins scare me too.  Just thinkin' about poor Urist rottin' at tha borders gives me the shivers.
- Datan Agekatol

(Have you tried building a 4x4 or 9x9 wall section in the area he keeps trying to find a beehive in?  That might solve it)

[Wannazzaki]

Dear FORTRESS

Currently: 30 nest boxes. 30 guineahen. 5 guinecocks.

3 seasons of hatches, no eggs have been gathered yet. Not only that, two small migrant waves have not produced enough of you to butcher them in a timely fashion, nor are you bothering to pull up the nest boxes...

Please, Urists and Uristettes, please end this cockocalypse.

[CaptainBadwheel]

Dear Urist Mcdesperatelyneededtrader

noambushnoambushnoambushnoambushambush...SIEGE

[MadocComadrin]

Attn: Markdwarves

You know the tower--the one I built specifically for you, leading to the inside of the fort so you aren't exposed to enemy melee squads, the one your standing in right now, please shoot out of it. There are goblins who are in perfect range (not too close, but not too far). So get to it. I want to hear some pew pew!

Sincerely,

Overseer