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[Theifofdreams]

Dear questioning overseer:
There be gold in them thar hills. ... Well, maybe not gold, but wealth to be certain. And it seems to call us...
Urist mcMigrant

Dear Urist Mccorpsehauler:
Yes. The socks are very interesting. But the sheer number of complaints about hauntings I've been getting, including several from you, mean I need you to haul the bodies first, and come back to the cave in/mass grave for the clothing of the recently, and suddenly, deceased after the corpses have been buried. If you do not, I'm sure someone else will be happy to do your job in your place, and will probably get the pleasant task of hauling you to your grave first.
-your angry, haunted, Overseer.

[Roraborialisforealis]

Thank you armok.

You blessed my 7 miners ideology of military, The miners came to the surface naked with pick and sword in hand and demolished a 32 goblin army without injury. I am glad with your decision to side with strength over gear and training has turned out this way. It makes my life easy.
Now could the miners stop going berserk over Olin cat getting its paw chopped off? Its the only negative mood he has and I am very confused. I would like the casualtys to stay below 70.

-From your loyal servant. Roraborialis.

[Melissia]

Dear questioning overseer:
There be gold in them thar hills. ... Well, maybe not gold, but wealth to be certain. And it seems to call us...
Urist mcMigrant

Dear  Urist mcMigrant,

Welcome to the militia.  Here's your maple training axe and spider silk cloth hat.  Now let's go hunting trolls. 

-- Melissia

[Manae]

Dear  Urist mcMigrant,

Welcome to the militia.  Here's your maple training axe and spider silk cloth hat.  Now let's go hunting trolls. 

-- Melissia

Dear Overseer Melissia:

Well, tha' was fun. Blighter got meh a few times wit' 'is fists, but they jus' glanced off me nice hat.
It may 'ave taken a wee bit, but I go' 'em all for ye!

-- Urise McLegendaryAxedwarf

[Melissia]

Dear Urist McLegendaryAxedwarf,

Congratulations!  You are now a valuable member of this fortress.  This means that, though you will still be sent on suicide missions for the good of the fortress, you will receive one (1) 3x3 bedroom, smoothed and engraved by the many not-so-valuable members of the fortress.  As empty bedrooms are not useful to the fortress, you will also be provided with with one (1) finely crafted fungiwood bed, one (1) finely crafted limestone throne, one (1) finely crafted limestone table, one (1) finely crafted limestone coffer, and four (4) finely crafted limestone statues. 

Upon completion of an additional feat to the benefit of the fortress, you will be assigned one (1) finely crafted silver sarcophagus and associated 3x3 burial chamber.  If you do not manage to complete an additional feat before you die, you will be buried in a communal chamber.

You are also permitted to eat and drink from the BLUE barrels now.  You are still not permitted to eat or drink from the BLACK barrels.  If the BLUE barrels run out, you are permitted to drink from the RED barrels, and eat from the GREEN barrels.  If you are caught drinking from the GREEN barrels, you will be flogged.  If you are caught eating from the RED barrels, you will be flogged, and then beaten.  If you are caught allowing the food in the BLUE barrels to go rotten, you will be flogged, and then beaten, and then imprisoned. 

If you are caught eating and/or drinking from the BLACK barrels, no punishment will be necessary, and may Armok have mercy on your soul.

-- Overseer Melissia

[Hobbie]

Dear Urist,

That alder training axe really isn't all that great. Wouldn't you prefer this sweet steel one instead?

[Samuel]

Dear Dwarves,
I hate to interrupt you while you're so busy going insane and killing each other, but there's another poison gas-spewing Forgotten Beast coming. Yes, another one. The second before you could even butcher the Hill Titan that set the world on fire and then killed so many of you that you needed the goblins to save you.

Clearly Armok wants you all dead. Who am I to interfere? If any of you manage to stay alive and sane, the food stockpile is all yours, as well as the job of cleaning up a hundred rotting carcasses before the ghosts kill you. Best of luck.

-Samuel

[A Spoony Bard]

Dear Urist,
I couldn't help but notice you though it would be funny to destroy the floodgate holding back the fort's magma in a fit of rage. Luckily we forsaw this and walled you in with the magma. Who's laughing now, you bastard?

[Specter513]

Dear Urist McRecruit,
If you ever let a naked goblin prisoner escape the fort again, I will personally box you up in a 3x3 room with obsidian walls, take all your gear, and let you go to the circus naked.

Love,
Your Overseer

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear about half of the residents of Pickmouths,
You should try to stagger your breaks better. I know rest is important, but if 6/14 citizens break at once, it wreaks havok on our productivity. Especially if one of you is the main factor in two major industries and two of you are main factors in one major industry (each).
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold.

[kardwill]

Dear Urist Mc Moodyweaponstmith,

While I appreciate that you are the first of knifereign's crafters not to make an artefact Goose Bone Scepter (seriously, guys? 3 of them?), you might have notices that this fortress was quite low-key : Few metals, no statues, no engravings, public dormitories, only just enough craft to get what we need from the caravans... Our goal was to avoid overlarge migrants waves and goblins for a few years.
Your decision to grab the only gold bar in the whole fortress, and make a gem-encrusted golden menacing spike, worth 3 times the wealth of the entire fort (jumping it from 100000 to 400000) may thus not have been the most intelligent choice.

Well, at least, we've now got a legendary weaponsmith to craft all the weapons we'll need to fend off the greenskins yer stupid artefact will lure, and a really fancy (although ineffective) trap for the front door...

[ThatAussieGuy]

To: The Dwarves of SwordThunders.
Re: The Tantrum Spiral

I know a lot of you seem to be unhappy with the regular massacres by goblins and watching the militia bash in your friends heads with their hammers.  However, i have one thing to say;  the beatings will continue until moral improves or you all stop giving a damn.  That is all.

[Melissia]

Dear Urist McNoblepants

Please stop mandating so many things in so quick a succession.  I understand that being a noble means that your life is empty and meaningless, but our lives are not, so you should simply put up with it.

As per your request, you are permitted to drink from the BLACK barrels.  You are permitted to invite Urist McDiplomat and Urist McLegendaryManicDepressiveAxeDwarf to your party. 

On that note, your burial chamber is finished as per your demands. 

My regards,
-- Overseer Melissia

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Mountainhomes,
I had a population of 14. You sent me a migrant wave of TWENTY-FUCKING-TWO. Fifteen of them are being sent on a suicide mission to kill an alligator, which will be followed by several such missions. If you have a lye maker surplus, okay, but make your own deathtraps to deal with them, I lack the infrastructure. Of course, now that you tried to TRIPLE my population, I might have to build one, but still, I'd rather spend by dorfpower on bedrooms or my awesome 3-D entrance trail or something. Oh, and my manager doesn't quite have an office yet.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer

Dear Urist McRecruit,
Go back, you stinking elf! You're a coward and a liar! I know your left upper arm can't be running with blood because an alligator ripped it off!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr
[Insert similar notes to a dwarf missing an arm and a foot, and one with a slightly ripped leg.]

Dear Mirrorjointed, alligator,
You aren't trying hard enough. Those dwarves shouldn't have a chance. Deal with the bruises and come back over here! Free munchies!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr
Dear carps,
Wanna join your Brother Gator in a fight against those dwarves bleeding into your river?
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr

Dear Urists McDoomeds,
Go stand over there. Fight all the carp you see.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.

Dear Urist McWhiny,
You have a torn-open leg. Get out there with your comrades who are missing limbs.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. See that skeleton? That's the last guy who spent all of his time resting. He had a worse injury.

[Roraborialisforealis]

Dear Urist McNoblepants

Please stop mandating so many things in so quick a succession.  I understand that being a noble means that your life is empty and meaningless, but our lives are not, so you should simply put up with it.

As per your request, you are permitted to drink from the BLACK barrels.  You are permitted to invite Urist McDiplomat and Urist McLegendaryManicDepressiveAxeDwarf to your party. 

On that note, your burial chamber is finished as per your demands. 

My regards,
-- Overseer Melissia

Don't have them fight. Their bragging will cause a tantrum spiral.