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[Madurjafro]

Dear Newly created Militia

So I sent you out to go and kill a panda to help you train (no danger rooms here), how in the fuck did it take you all that time to track down pandas, which may I remind are supposed to be slow, and then beat it to death with your iron spears for about a month or two.

Yours Truly, your slightly frustrated Overseer.

Dear Urist McTwoThroats

Now you were also part of said militia, Even though you are dead, I somehow congratulate you on managing to actually hit the panda, but Only God Armok knows how the Panda managed to rip out your throat letting you stand up, ripping it out AGAIN, letting you stand up before you stabbed with the spear all without bleeding to death until just after you stabbed it. I would totally engrave this in your tom, but it is in the soil layer, sorry.

Yours truly, You confused and slightly pleased, Glorious Overseer.

[Ross Vernal]

Dear Strem Frightspite the Lonely:

You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.

Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.

Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."

[Cheveux]

Dear Urist McLazy,

When I deactivated every labors you could have except mason and architect and told you to go build that wall, I meant now. The Reclaim team will piss on your grave.

Sincerely,
Cheveux the angry Overlord.



On a unrelated note :

Dear Strem Frightspite the Lonely:

You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.

Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.

Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."

Dear Overlord Ross Vernal,

RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Yours truly,
Forgotten Theropod


*Translation : But it's so pretty and soft...

[Ross Vernal]

On a unrelated note :

Dear Strem Frightspite the Lonely:

You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.

Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.

Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."

Dear Overlord Ross Vernal,

RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Yours truly,
Forgotten Theropod


*Translation : But it's so pretty and soft...

Dear Forgotten Barney:

My apologies, it's a cave spider silk tunic.









PS: SERIOUSLY!?

[Squanto]

Dear Urist McGenderConfused,

No matter what you may think, you are still a male.  Giving yourself the title "the Woman of Sparkles" is getting rather confusing to me.  Please grant yourself another title.

Sincerely,
Your Fussy Guiding Force

[Ross Vernal]

Dear Urist McDumbass:

After seeing three people die building the previous pump stack, you'd think you would have learned.

Your profession is now "Fucktard" and I hope you enjoy either drowning or dying of thirst, depending on how long you take to die.

[Theifofdreams]

Dear Urist Mcbuilder
If you can't build the stairs because something is in the way, then you should at least haul the item to the garbage dump since it's designated to be dumped.
Because you found yourself unable to drag it 30 lengths, 4 dwarfs died of dehydration one floor up, unable to get reach the stockpiles of food and alcohol; and we still do not have access to the mass barracks. Your selfishness has been noted, and the next time something like this comes up, I will have you wall yourself in.

-Supremely frustrated Overseer.

PS. Dear Urist Mcdehydrated:
If the stairs are out, and you're dying of thirst, jump down the hole. A fall of a single Z-level will not hurt you nearly as much as death will.

[Niccolo]

Dear Badgers McScary (And Bear McHuge)

Thank you for being caught in my cage-traps. This allowed me to train you as war animals... and you have now become the most dangerous things in my fortress. You saved me from that goblin ambush.

Sincerely,
The guy not butchering you.

[BranRhi]

Dear Ms. Urist McRanger

When the Sasquatch showed up and wrecked our wagon and you were told to kill it, why did you run off without the crossbow and bolts you were skilled with?

-the Funeral Dwarf

[ledgekindred]

To: All Dorfs, Ever,

Thank you for evolving the instinct to either a) stand immediately next to a pool of water while having no swimming skill, b) stand on the bridge over the only few tiles of lava, c) stand on the narrow walkway over the huge z-level drop ... while dodging during a fight.  You could have moved a half dozen tiles in just about any other direction and been perfectly safe.  How your entire species has managed to survive this long, when you all seem to insist on falling to your deaths at the drop of a hat is a puzzle for the ages. 

Dear Urist McLegendaryMechanic and Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith,
Thanks to the two of you, and no thanks to our incredibly inept military (see above re: idiots), the four, yes four weapon traps, filled with masterwork trap components and operated by masterwork mechanisms, managed to hold off the entire siege as they filed through the path of death in front of our gate.  I'm only slightly irritated that I would have liked to have a few make it to the cage traps for training fodder, but I certainly cannot dispute the fact that your handful of traps turned the first dozen or so invaders through it into a fine mist, causing half the siege to retreat.  Soon after which the rest of the siege decided to walk through the same traps that just a moment before chopped, sliced and tenderized the previous squad.   While a few made it through, the traps apparently reset shortly after and when THEY retreated, were just as efficiently vaporized.  You have been rewarded with lovely new bedrooms.  If I had to complain about anything, it would be the fact that the traps were so effective that it took quite a bit of time to clean up all the chunks.

Dear Goblins,
Keep visiting if you'd like, those mysterious pad on the ground are just welcome mats!  And most certainly not full of spinning death.

Yrs,
Omniscient Overseer

[Ross Vernal]

Dear Urist McDumbass:

After seeing three people die building the previous pump stack, you'd think you would have learned.

Your profession is now "Fucktard" and I hope you enjoy either drowning or dying of thirst, depending on how long you take to die.

Dear Urist McDumbass:

Your profession is now Ghostly Fucktard.

You will never be buried.

[Lord Allagon]

Dear Female Soldiers:
Please refrain from taking off your clothes while sparring. There are childs sleeping under you, you know?

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner:
What. Are you doing? I disabled all your labors except mining, and you still refuse to dig. It appears like you've been hosting not one, not two, but three parties one after the other, even if in your personality it says "does not actively seek friendships and is incredibly distant and reserved", "   prefers to be alone", "is organized" and "has a strong sense of duty". Please go to dig, or I will make other person do it. And throw you into the pit. With the spikes activated.
  Yours,
       Overseer

[mathi]

Dear Urist McAhab,

While I have the utmost respect for your strength and determination, and I appreciate the way you try contribute to solving our possible future food shortage, please refrain from dragging a dead whale into our kitchen-quarter.

When reclaiming an abandoned fortress there is always a lot of work to do. Things are hauled into their storage and almost all of our 10 other dwarves are occupied by that. Our butchery is already cluttered by the remains of the animals butchered by the old occupants, and after careful inspection of the kitchen indicates that hygiene concerns might have contributed to that abandonment.

A small part of a whale carcass, like a fin or the tongue, might have been a useful addition to our diet, however, it seems that we will be eating rancid blubber and oil for the next 5 years. This, combined with the unavoidable stench of rotting whale brain, might influence the motivation of new immigrants negatively.

For the good of the fortress the coming years, I hope you will show the same enthusiasm for dragging the carcass out as you have shown for dragging it in. If not, I might find a position for you as an early scout for the soon to be formed Escaped Forgotten Beast Elimination squad.

Your Overseer

[Tevish Szat]

Dear Urist McQuack,
You are our chief medical dwarf.  You have at least three other medical dwarves with all medical labors enabled to help.  If another dwarf with a broken leg comes into your hospital and dies of thirst after three years of resting and waiting for one of our many available crutches to be delivered, your entire team will be reassigned to the caverns.  Should the forgotten beasts and their various secretions, gasses, poisons, and dust not kill you outright, I will personally ensure that you receive the same grade of medical care you so generously provided to my fortress.
With Threats,
Your Overseer.

Dear Urist McActor,
I appreciate the classics as much as the next overseer.  While your rendition of Lady Macbeth attempting to wash blood off your hands is gripping the first time, your constant attempts to "clean self" at the farthest possible murky pool from my walls only to track back through the rivers of blood at my fortress gate and decide you'd better clean up again are getting frustrating.  I've killed all soap production and forbidden all soap.  If you absolutely must wash off I have a perfectly good, DEFENDED water source.  You and your friends need to stay inside or you're going to become goblin chow.
Wrathfully,
Your Overseer.

Dear Urist McNoble,
We don't have aluminum.  The humans don't bring aluminum for trade.  Our liaison from the mountainhomes does not offer aluminum in any form.  Your demand for an aluminum cabinet and mandate we make aluminum goods will go unmet.  Your desire we cease all exportation of aluminum is manageable, but rather pointless considering the mentioned state of our aluminum industry.  We'll get you some platinum furniture, okay?  If it's not okay, we might see about getting you some magma.  It will take your mind off the lack of aluminum, I guarantee it.
"Humbly",
Your Overseer.

[JoshBrickstien]

Dear Urist McMason
I salute you, my friend. Though you made an ill advised choice of standing on the wrong side of the wall when sealing the caverns, you also  saved the fort from a giant cave spider. The Spider that, might I add, is currently mauling you to death three metres from the stairwell you sealed off. I assure you, the marksdwarves will retrieve your corpse and add you to the hall of heroes.
The Overseer

Dear Urist McLegendaryAnimalCaretaker
I am humbly honored that you decided to immigrate here. Your room in on the third floor, fifth door on the left. Please enjoy your lovely lever and get plenty of use out of it.
The Overseer