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[ledgekindred]

Dear Lorbam,

While I empathize that emotions may have been high when it went for your thumb, I still have to wonder why you had to wring it's neck for three pages of combat reports instead of say, punching it's headbone through it's brain or something similarly quick and relatively humane.  Especially when it was unconscious after the first half page.  Not that the SPCA might come knocking or anything, but still.

Taking Your Pillows Away,
Your Omnicient Overlord



Dear Narhiril,
That was terrible.  Close to magma-levels of terrible.  I'd watch those puns in the future if I were you. 

Keeping an eye on you,
Fellow Omniscient Overlord

[Excedion]

Dear Urist McQueen,

I'm glad to see that you are settling in as the leader of our armies, and that you have become so skilled with your axe which our dwarves painstakingly made from candy while possessed. However, I would appreciate it if you would stop seperating every goblin thief you meet into 12 different pieces and simply go for the head like our hammerdwarves do. The amount of hauling required to clean up a siege is heavy enough without you adding your sadistic vivisection to it, and I'm sure Urist McHauler would appreciate not having to climb all the way up the tower and across a thin ledge to collect the teeth of your foes.

Yours truly,
Overseer.

[RabidAnubis]

Dear Urists of all kinds.

Kill the goblins.  Charge in at once.

From your angry overseer.

[alesia]

Dear humans,
Yes, there are panda men in the moat.  No, I don't know why they decided to go down there.  Your bodyguards are welcome to shoot at them, but as they are not a threat there is no reason to run screaming across the map.  They can't get out of the moat.

PS.  They were here the last two times you came too, you imperceptive morons.

---

Dear panda men (and panda woman),
Please drown already so I can get some different wildlife.

[DrKillPatient]

Dear Blob McFleshBall,
I appreciate your efforts in not dying after a year of constant pounding by my hammer squad. Please continue to act as a punching bag, the rate at which my dwarves' skill is increasing is bafflingly high. If only there were an equivalent for edged weapon training...

Sincerely,
The Invisible Man in the Sky who orders you to be brutalized unremittingly for months on end

Dear Morul "Pitiful Unfortunate", Oddomzugob (Cloistergrand), Woodcutter,
I'm irritated at your efforts in being a werewolf/badgerman magnet. Please STOP acting as a punching bag for every savage creature out there. We're straddling an Untamed Wilds mountain and a Terrifying shrubland in near-freezing weather, and yet you decide to hang around outside past your woodcutting duties! You've already lost one hand and motor function on one foot. I do concede, however, that I secretly hope you'll become the Black Knight of Bronzemountains.

Sincerely,
A fellow Monty Python enthusiast

Dear Morul Idokas (Pointcaves), Wood Burner turned Miner,
Excellent work out there. As you were dutifully mining a vein of hematite on the exposed mountainside, the goblins sprung an ambush upon you and the haulers hanging around the tunnel's entrance. With no way to escape, cornered in the tunnel, I left you for dead. However, in a stunning act of Dwarven badassery, you caved in a speargoblin's head and imploded the chests of two others before fleeing out of the cave and toward the fortress entrance, running past our resident champion Lokum Craftsteels the Tepid Order, who, I imagine, gave you a high-five on the way out. Umozentuk (Rampagewithers), her trusty silver warhammer in hand, she dispatched the goblin squad well before her comrades arrived (her axedwarf companion was busy strangling an ogre, if I recall correctly).
The elven traders with whom the ambush arrived were also killed, just because I could loosely tie the ambush's presence to their caravan and I was in a particularly sadistic mood at the moment. Only two haulers were killed in the ambush, despite me being taken completely by surprise, and I feel that your quick action and precision with a pickaxe deserves an honorable mention. Without you, I'm sure more haulers would have been lost that day, especially since you managed to kill one goblin right off the bat and incapacitated two others-- already half the squad!-- by forcibly implanting a large piece of heavy mining equipment into their sternums without a moment's hesitation. I salute you, good sir.

Sincerely,
His Prestigious High-Quality Luxury Premium Exultation, Overseer KillPatient

[ledgekindred]

Teh DrKillPatient,

Dunno what yer talkin about heroics an what-all.  I were of a sudden a-mighty thirsty is all, anna gobbos was in my way o' the booze.  They should'n'ta be gettin a'tween a thirsty miner and his booze an all if'n they know wha's good fer 'em.  An just doin' wha' comes narcheral for a thirsty dwarf is all.  But thank yeh nonetheless.

Morul Idokas

[Hitty40]

Dear Morul Idokas (Pointcaves), Wood Burner turned Miner,
Excellent work out there. As you were dutifully mining a vein of hematite on the exposed mountainside, the goblins sprung an ambush upon you and the haulers hanging around the tunnel's entrance. With no way to escape, cornered in the tunnel, I left you for dead. However, in a stunning act of Dwarven badassery, you caved in a speargoblin's head and imploded the chests of two others before fleeing out of the cave and toward the fortress entrance, running past our resident champion Lokum Craftsteels the Tepid Order, who, I imagine, gave you a high-five on the way out. Umozentuk (Rampagewithers), her trusty silver warhammer in hand, she dispatched the goblin squad well before her comrades arrived (her axedwarf companion was busy strangling an ogre, if I recall correctly).
The elven traders with whom the ambush arrived were also killed, just because I could loosely tie the ambush's presence to their caravan and I was in a particularly sadistic mood at the moment. Only two haulers were killed in the ambush, despite me being taken completely by surprise, and I feel that your quick action and precision with a pickaxe deserves an honorable mention. Without you, I'm sure more haulers would have been lost that day, especially since you managed to kill one goblin right off the bat and incapacitated two others-- already half the squad!-- by forcibly implanting a large piece of heavy mining equipment into their sternums without a moment's hesitation. I salute you, good sir.

Sincerely,
His Prestigious High-Quality Luxury Premium Exultation, Overseer KillPatient

That is the most badass thing ever.

[ImaDwarf]

Dear dwarfs residing in my fortress,

Would you please quit complain the well is dry?  What are you guys?  Elves in disguise?   We have 1000 units of booze in the stockpile around the well, would you please just drink those?

Signed
Your Overseer who knows you guys love booze

[ThatAussieGuy]

okay guys, the reactor's got enough water now so pull the lever.  Come on, i gave the order early so there'd be time... go on, just one of you chucklefucks needs to stop by and pull the goddamn lever to disengage the pump... Aaand now there's flooding.  Can i get a dwarf to pull the vent lever?...

[Mister Dirks]

Dear. Every. Single. Dorf. In. The fort. That includes you, you damn caravan merchants/guards. That sturgeon that you guys are freaking out at the very edge of the beautiful waterfall next to the entrance to the fortress? The one that, everytime you see it, you shit your pants and run away? It is NOT GOING TO HURT YOU. It has been going in and out of conciousness for a year now, due to a turkey mauling. IT ISNT EVEN MOVING.

Also, you INCREDIBLY STUPID caravan guards. DO. NOT. TRY. TO. KILL. THE. STURGEON. The current leading to the waterfall RIGHT NEXT TO THE STURGEON is pretty strong. Did i mention the end of the waterfall is 15 Z LEVELS DOWN? I just dont care that your guards are exploding like beautiful confetti at the bottom of the river, merchants. I just dont fucking care anymore.

Sincerly,

UristMcPISSEDOFF

[Hungry Elephant]

Dear Urist mcHunter,

I spent a lot of time setting alarms and burrows for a reason.
If I put the fort on alarm, there is a fucking good reason for it.
So please drop what are you doing and get the fuck inside.
Because that gian spider is not going to be gentle on you and no, he doesn't just want to play (especially when you already skewered him with a pair of bolts).

Also Urist McDwarf, where the hell is your damn baby? As soon I set the fort on alarm you start spamming me with a "unable to path to infant cancel seeking infant" and "cancel store item in the stockpile seeking infanti". I want also to point out that we are in the middle of a goblin siege (even if they aren't really showing off and there is just a lonely goblin crossbowmen) and I had to abort the alarm status just because you were pissing me to insanity.
So go out and get yourself killed looking for your infant (armok only knows where the little brat is) and don't nother me more. After all your skills are not so useful.

sincerely your
Military Overseer

[Masta Crouton]

Dear Urist McGreedyfuck,

When you come on your little fuckin caravan to trade with me, DO NOT demand over 2k in trader profit. I offered 200 profit, more than I usually give. And you stormed off, calling ME a child? I give you ONE more goddamn chance. You pull that shit on me again I WILL KILL YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.

Sincerely,

Fuck you.

[peskyninja]

dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.


sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord

[narhiril]

dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.


sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord

You call them useless.  I call them shock troops.

[Hitty40]

dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.


sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord

You call them useless.  I call them shock troops.

You call them shock troops. I call them FB food.