Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Hitty40]

Dear Urist,

Please stop being on break and go help the wounded to the hospital.


                                                                     -G

[HunterBlackLuna]

To the Champion of Anusdimple, commander of militia forces and knight of the order of not dying to goblins,

Many of the recruits and soldiers have been grumbling of late, as you know. In order to improve morale, I have approved orders to allow troops, even when under training schedules, to sleep at will in their smoothed quarters instead of the dirt barracks. Unfortunately, this seems to be having a harsh impact on the skill level of your forces; many months of training has yielded mediocre results, at best, and some of the troops still grumble about 'long duty' when only half the squad is required to attend at any given time! Please inform your troops that they have two options: shut up about training and living in the barracks like every other soldier in our civilization, or go into battle against the Goblins and lose two-thirds of our host, despite good equipment and tactics, through sheer incompetence.

On second thought,, never mind that last. I have a feeling I already know what the general answer to such a question must be. Perhaps this is truly Armok's way of culling the foolish from your ranks.

P.S. Tell them I'm sure the Goblin hordes are terribly sorry that the schedule of their attacks upon this fort are inconvenient, uncomfortable, and force the troops to serve long hours in order to, say, defend helpless civilians and children against predation and thievery. I mean, it's only their job as the military.

[AiresPenlaw]

Dear Militia
Re: Target Priority

First, let me praise you brave sons and daughters of Bronzegrasped. Your tenacity and enthusiasm for your duties are unbounded. However, if given a choice between a wolf (that is leaving) and a Minotaur, there should be a preference of which target you should empty all of your high-quality bronze bolts into.

Here's a clue. It's big, has a bulls head, and has just killed a legendary weaponsmith.

I leave the rest to your good sense.

Yours,
Your Glorious Leader.

[ClkWrkJester]

Note to Migrant McHunterUrist,
When we arrived here we were aware there was a roc nesting above the fort, but so much iron so accessible... it was worth the risk.  Two years were spent preparing to slay the beast.  Training, making armour, watching it tear elvish caravans apart.

Its not that I don't mind that when you arrived on the map and got its attention, you shot it in the head while it was flying.  Its not that I minded that it hit the ground so hard parts popped off.  Its just... could you have not shown up earlier and saved me all this effort?

On the upside, the first goblin siege is so freaking dead.

Sincerely,

Your overlord.

(Best part, the roc hit so hard its freaking beak popped right off.)

[Greiger]

To:  The Yaks

Those cage traps are not for you.  They are for the local basilisks so I can catch and tame some war basilisks.  Wouldn't everybody want a small army of big 6 legged lizards with scales as hard as copper a paralyzing bite and an endless supply of those scales for leather armor?

There are already 3 of you glorified cows in the fortress zoo.  I don't need 10 more.  So far I have been merciful, simply releasing you back into the wilds.  Partially because throwing so many of you into the arena is impractical.   But if you keep this up I'm going to start taming all of you so that my butchers can make you useful.

You don't want to be useful.

Sincerely,
The administration of-  oh hell, are you giving BIRTH in the cages now?  Oh FFS.

[Hitty40]

To:  The Yaks

Those cage traps are not for you.  They are for the local basilisks so I can catch and tame some war basilisks.  Wouldn't everybody want a small army of big 6 legged lizards with scales as hard as copper a paralyzing bite and an endless supply of those scales for leather armor?

There are already 3 of you glorified cows in the fortress zoo.  I don't need 10 more.  So far I have been merciful, simply releasing you back into the wilds.  Partially because throwing so many of you into the arena is impractical.   But if you keep this up I'm going to start taming all of you so that my butchers can make you useful.

You don't want to be useful.

Sincerely,
The administration of-  oh hell, are you giving BIRTH in the cages now?  Oh FFS.

Dear Greiger,

Please butcher the yaks. They are useless as fuck.

-The Administration of Urist

[Aptus]

Dear Urist McWallmaker.

I know I gave you a hard task when I told you to wall off our water source to keep the goblins away, not only hard but also incredibly important and time sensitive, but this is the third time you do this. Next time you wall yourself in so you can't get out I will leave you there, and I will also murder your pet duckling.

Sincerely yours,
Fortress Overlord.

[Fahgo]

Dear Trainee Militia

Rather than use the technique of lesser forts and use the thing known as "The Danger Room" (for once) I thought we would use training weapons and disarmed POWs mobile punchbags. Whilst this choice of equipment does mean it takes you a while to defeat your target (which backfired when an FB got in. oops) you should get plenty practice per target.

Now considering you are all encased in high quality armour... HOW IN ARMOKS NAME DO YOU KEEP GETTING KILLED BY BEING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD. seriously... one killed by a badger man and another to a goblin archer. are you seriously telling me their fists are stronger than steel?

Annoyed
Overseer sod-it-I'm-resorting-to-the-DR-again. 

[ThatAussieGuy]

To the general population of Knifemurders;  I just watched no less than FOUR of you drunken loons walk over a lever i requested pulled.  Thanks to your laziness, the new reactor's flooded.  As a result; punishment magma has been released.  May the burning fat of your friends be used as candles to enlighten the rest of you.

[Kay12]

Dear residents of Bronzecalm

I know we lost a lot of cattle during the goblin siege. However, if you would only put your silly tradition aside - the dead critters are still edible, even if not butchered in Dwarf-Kosher fashion. Armok will not smite you for devouring them.

Yours
K12
The Severe Oar

[dr_random]

Dear Diary,

Dyestandards has truly become a worthy fortress. We are stacked with a full complement of high masters of metalcrafting and other smitheries. A couple of maces, spears or pieces of armour lets us buy out whole caravans.
I've ordered extensive carving and polishing of stone throughout the workshop and living quarters. Yesterday, we stroke a second cavern layer and found marble. We can now produce steelware!
Oh Armok, I went down to the magmaworks in order to inspect them. A couple of days before we stabbed a big beast to death near the wells. Once Urist McBerserk bit it in the throat it did not put up any resistance no more. No losses. I think we can make it.

But down there in the magmaworks I found something really disturbing. The smelter right next to the stairs contained loads of lye and water. What abysmal reason is behind this? Is this sabotage? Has someone tried some sticky experiment with our equipment? The scrolls of our ancients mention no lye or whatsoever anywhere near a smelter. I fear there is a pervert among us. This might end bad...

[V-Norrec]

Dear "The New Shields",

You worthless dwarves, I put you in the squad with only shields and weapons for a reason, you were supposed to DIE.  You are a waste of food but what do you do instead, you 6 kill all 9 of the roaming badgermen while taking no injuries. . . that doesn't even make sense.  Tomorrow report to the caverns, you've been promoted.

Confused and angry,
V-Norrec

[Kaleb702 Games]

Dear Urist McLazyMason

You have been told to do your job 1520 times now!

Make those stone things. Now.

You know what? You're dead. Say goodbye to your entire world.

From,
The REALLY angry Overseer, who decided "That's it, I'm just deleting your world."

[The Master]

Dear Urist McRetardedCannonFodder,

You have repeatedly asked to stop running into a hoard of voidwalker(LFR mod) matrons and re-destroying your legs, we're running out of non-broken crutches. This is your final warning.

If you choose to ignore this order, the justice system will make sure you don't ignore ANYTHING again.

Kind regards,
Overseer Master

[ledgekindred]

Dear Urist McWhomeverBitTheForgottenBeastInTheHeadAndKilledIt,

Why?

Yrs,
Apparently Not That Omniscient Overlord