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[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McBatlover,
Your beloved bat is, indeed, just out of your reach. Suck it up.

Dear All Others,
If you need an empty animal trap to move the other tame bats around, LEAVE A TAME BAT IN EACH LIKE I REQUESTED! IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE IT LOOKS LIKE I ASKED FOR!

Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

[itg]

Dear Urist McLeroyJenkins,

The order to return to your barracks was not a suggestion. You cannot kill 75 goblins by yourself. Reinforcements are not coming. And for Armok's sake, refill your quiver now and then.

Sincerely,

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist McLeroyJenkins,

The order to return to your barracks was not a suggestion. You cannot kill 75 goblins by yourself. Reinforcements are not coming. And for Armok's sake, refill your quiver now and then.

Sincerely,

Dear

At least i have Dwarven Syrup Roast

Sincerely,
Urist McLeroyJenkins

[ClkWrkJester]

Dear Urist McArmourer,
When I saw you arrive in our humble fortress and saw you were a legendary armourer, I was ecstatic. I greeted you with open arms, visions of the finest of armours bein produced as soon as the traders arrived with metal.
For as you became aware, we were without such in this strange, sandy hell.

Then, when the traders arrived with but two bars of iron, I let it slide. Your day would come... the iron was too precious to waste.  Your strange mood hit I wasn't paying attention.
And you took the iron before I could stop you.

I wish I could continue this in a more literate manner, but I am afraid that my only response to your crafting a shield when our only weapons are wood is that I am going to kill you. I am even now crafting an elaborate water slide to launch you into the 300' valley we have built on.  I hate you. I am putting more effort into your spectacular death than I ever have into goblin murder.  I hope your soul ends somewhere fiery and horrifying you mud-sucking stuntie.

sincerely,
The Man Who Hates You

PS- Your cat is already dead.

[Brackev]

Dear Urnst McHunter,

You have emptied the caverns, surface, tunnels, hidey-holes, food storage areas, and everywhere else of anything huntable.  We got it.  A year ago.  I'm now making you a shearer.  We have no sheep.  Deal with it.

-The owner

Dear Urnst McBrokerMayor,

You are a broker, you deal with the trading.  You should not be the mayor, you should not deal with the liason.  We need both at the same time and you are only one dwarf.  I want trade, not talk, from you.

-The owner

[Iapetus]

Dear Mr Miner,

If you've been given bad mining plans that have resulted in you digging yourself into an inescapable hole, if you're becoming dehydrated, and you are then given new designations to mine your way out, don't choose that moment to go on break.  Because you might die of thirst before you get out.  Oh, you have?  Well, it's your own stupid lazy fault.

[ClkWrkJester]

My dearest broker,
It has been two years. Every caravan visit, you eat, sleep, drink, take a break, in a rotation until they leave. I know I can replace you, and I have, with someone far more capable.  I am not, however, given to forgiveness and therefore you are also cued up for the waterslide of penance.  I would kill your cat as well, but you have no pets.

Your friend,
Mgmt

[Mount]

Dear Hairy Potter,

Your kiln is built next to a wall of fire clay.  There are lumps of fire clay literally AT YOUR FEET.  If you persist in trekking 700 squares away to pick up Kaolinite and make porcelain instead of the stoneware I WANT, I will put YOU in the kiln and set it to "EXTREME PREJUDICE."

No love,
GOD.

(Update: Alternately, you can be eaten by a giant badger sow, because you FAILED TO MAKE STONEWARE BRICKS FOR THE WALLS. Your replacement has things in hand.  As you managed to die 700 tiles away from anything but forbidden piles of Kaolinite, your ghost will NOT be laid to rest, and you can spend the rest of eternity contemplating how badly you have failed.)

[Niccolo]

Dear Urist McMasons:

Hurry the feck up! There be goblins on their way!

Sincerely, OhShitIForgotTheMilitia

[Videonfan]

Dear UristMcBuilder,
So you start building a kitchen which is outmost important for your hungering comrades...AND YOU DECIDE TO STOP IT BECAUSE OF A CAT?!?!?!?!?WTF!
Sincerely,Gotta butcher the cats

[karloss99]

Dear UristMcStupidhunter

I know, I know...
After arriving at our glorious fortress You wanted to prove yourself.
...
Was going after a Giant cave spider the only way to do it? I would not be so unhappy had you only managed to kill yourself BUT.

One (1) of my military and my Chief Medical Dwarf (Oh Noes!) got killed by that very spider.
It even got a name - Sheriklisid - for about a day, before the rest of my military got there...

Busy designating tombs.
The Overseer.

[Rowanas]

Dear Likod, Mayor whom I'm pretty sure is bugged, because nobles don't make this many mandates.

No. Not now. Not ever.

Yours sincerely,
Rowan

[Fahgo]

Dear Urist McMason a.k.a Speedy Gonzales

Well... I will say you definitely deserve that sock. You walked outside to claim some clothes to put in your new room, only to stumble upon a Gobbo ambush (luckily all melee). After having you hand bruised by the leaders iron maul you decided to run, not to safety on the other side of the traps, but halfway across the map. Despite the fact you had to run through the whole gob squad to do so. Normally this would cause me to roll my eyes at yet another stupid suicide but you surprised me. You outran all of them. So great was your turn of speed that you completely destroyed their morale. They left! Well... except one that tried chasing one of the kids and landed up caged. But the rest just upped and left! Gave up chasing you then gave up all together. They couldn't even be bothered to try to chase you as you nonchalantly strolled back to that sock.

So… enjoy the sock. You earned it.

Yours mildly surprised
The voices in your head (that you only occasionally listen to).

[Nighthawk]

Dear Urist McWimpAss,

You think I care that the place where I want you to build a wall has 2/7 water in it? The water is POURING INTO OUR FORTRESS. That's why I want you to build a WALL. So it... you know... doesn't flood? If you can't handle ankle-high water, how do you think you'll stand up to the inevitable horde of treehugging scum that we sold wooden crafts to three seasons ago?

Sincerely,

Armok's little helper #2401

[rumpy46]

Dear Urist McMilitarydorfs,

Please, there are plenty of perfectly good copper weapons and armour for you, so use them. I understand that wooden weapons are less dangerous should you drop them, but that deer it took you two years to kill certainly didn't appreciate it.