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[Greiger]

To goblin second in command...third...fourth...whoever manages to make it off the map alive.

Next law giver that gets appointed really should put on some armor before leading their armies into my front gate.  Those traps are really only designed to slow you guys down, maybe make one or two of you dodge off of the reasonably wide bridge, but not really stop you.  Your law giver not only died to the first trap she encountered, but to the first attack of the first serrated disc in the first trap she encountered and was the first casualty of the battle because you didn't arm her with a helmet to deflect my green glass discs.

Now I know you should mourn the death of your leader.  But you then all gathered up near your law giver's corpse and just stood there for quite some time...on top of the disk traps...on a bridge....while my archers and ballista are shooting at you.  You actually had a very good chance of breaching my defenses so soon after my military had that run in with that one glass forgotten beast.

I have never seen so many of you die in one spot before.  Those that weren't the lucky ones that dodged a disc off the edge of the bridge and fell into a 5 z-level pit chock full of green glass menacing spikes packed 5 to a tile(because I have nothing better to do with all this sand) dying instantly, either got pasted when the ballista arrows plowed through your tightly packed squads like goblin bowling, or slowly bled out from the pincushioning of thousands of copper and bone bolts sticking into your green flesh.

You guys must have taken 90% losses before you finally decided it was a good idea to GTFO.

If you must commit mass ritualistic suicide, please just climb to the top of my 40z high cliff and jump into the lake, it's out of the way, I don't have to replace a thousand bolts, and your corpses won't rot inside my front gate where they miasma up the place because there are too many to dump quickly enough.

Sincerely,
The administration of the Fortress Mountainjoin.

[UltraValican]

Dear, Giantess rotting by the brook.
If you decide to come to my fortress for our masterwork wooden balls, please send  an rsvp alerting of your arival. Also, when you visit my fortress, please be considerete of the residents, our broker Urist McDanglars was enjoying a lovely stroll when you attacked him. Needless to say that you failed miserable in your attempt at rough housing. Urist McDanglars  had to write the miltia captain a lengthy apology letter for interupting his harem selection appointment.
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Dear, MarksDwarves
I'm glad to see your very flexible with your equipment and even though I told you to use leather armor, bones offer decent protection for a ranged combatent and I am estactic to see you engaging in RANGED cobat, keep up the good work !
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Dear Elven Pansies,
All you base are belong to us, please send in more female combatants for our future elven mudwrestling pit
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Dear Goblins,
I have 300,000 created wealth.....you can send the sieges now.

[Korva]

Dear Urist McBereavedMom

I don't know why you suddenly started spamming hundreds of cancellation messages about seeking an inaccessible infant, but STOP IT! It's driving me crazy and I swear it is the cause of this lag I'm having too. Here's a friendly reminder: your baby is DEAD! You decided to hang out by the front gate while you weren't on duty, probably reminiscing about that last ambush you helped stomp into the ground, and when that goblin master thief popped up right beside you, well, your baby shield went the way of all baby shields. At least you skewered the gobbo in revenge.

I'm sorry about your loss, but I don't make special allowances for military moms.  You don't even seem to care much since you're still ecstatic with the joy of slaughter and everything. So why are you suddenly bombarding me with all this nonsense? The poor girl is dead and buried honorably. Snap out of it.


Edit: Ah, so removing the burrow restriction fixed it. She ran to the gate again, then returned to work. Odd.

[RenoFox]

Dear military

The militia commander is spesifically named DodgeTeacher for a reason. For a related reason, Urist McRecruit is NOT named BiteTeacher, despite his willingness to lead demonstrations. Not only is biting pretty weak move on the battlefield, he is dabbling at it, implying that any of you would learn more by snapping your teeth individually.

Urist McReasonable has been paying attention, has been promoted to captain and given his own squad. When the goblins arrive we'll see who knew how to spend their training time properly.

PS. When Urist McStudent threw a tantrum, the sheriff ate his nose. Think about that when UristMcRecruit claims to be a teacher.

[ExdeathV]

Dear Citizens of GearStone,

  About the goblin siege the same time we breached the caverns, all I have to say is this. Shut the hell up, I got this.

 Sincerely, The Invisible Force that tells you what to do

[TheeBaconman]

Dear Urist McWr  estler,

I know I realized that assigning draftees to be wrestlers was kinda a bad idea, when I don't think I even have a novice wrestler (You cannot say, however, that it would have turned out better if they had a weapon too). But when there is a siege, and I assign everyone to station at the entrance to our fort. Those Ogresses toppled a few statues and killed a few wrestler guys and a dualshielder. If you were there maybe you could have actually, well you know, done something and at least delayed that so I would blame the doctors. For once in my career, I care about all my dwarves useful and military dwarves. Attempt another stunt like that, and I will dig down to the magma prematurely and cave you in there.

Signed with ri  ps  and te  ars in writing this, frickin' ARMOK

Dear Talented/Skilled military dwarves

I know that most of the military doesn't have much edge or stab ability and can't kill so quickly. But when the 10 others are stuck on the first two goblins, or behind their co-workers, don't be so badass that you singlehandedly charge into the other 5 guys behind them. I applaud your skill and daring ability. But even you can be taken down. Try not to be so awesome, the recruits need training and without you we might not live to that stage.

Signed, with love, ARMOK

Dear Urist McMiner

You sir weren't even the new military miner I assigned, and has done a little better though not so much as the others. And yet you scared off an ambush by yourself. You were caught by that hammerman, but you hit his foot and then took off its right arm in one stroke each. Him and his friends fleeing in terror!! I should assign a couple more miners to be in the military, but you have been upgraded from your jail cell-grade apartment-grade to suite. The 2nd most honorable room next to the original 7. We would also have engraved a memorial in your honor, but we couldn't find out how. So we took the blank option, and assigned ownership to you. Now, near that spot stand two statues and two memorial slabs in your honor.

[zehive]

Dear Urist McBereavedMom

I don't know why you suddenly started spamming hundreds of cancellation messages about seeking an inaccessible infant, but STOP IT! It's driving me crazy and I swear it is the cause of this lag I'm having too. Here's a friendly reminder: your baby is DEAD! You decided to hang out by the front gate while you weren't on duty, probably reminiscing about that last ambush you helped stomp into the ground, and when that goblin master thief popped up right beside you, well, your baby shield went the way of all baby shields. At least you skewered the gobbo in revenge.

I'm sorry about your loss, but I don't make special allowances for military moms.  You don't even seem to care much since you're still ecstatic with the joy of slaughter and everything. So why are you suddenly bombarding me with all this nonsense? The poor girl is dead and buried honorably. Snap out of it.


Edit: Ah, so removing the burrow restriction fixed it. She ran to the gate again, then returned to work. Odd.

its possible the infant was taken by the gobbo, she killed it and then went to get her baby

[zehive]

Dear Urist McMinerdorf, expedition leader

I understand you have a passion for your job, but this is not the first, not the second, not the fourth, but the FIFTH cave in that I wanted to happen, that you stood right ontop of.


And each and every time you walked out completely unscathed, a bit unhappy because you were knocked unconscious, and beyond walking out you swum out.

of the aquifer. Maybe this is good sport to you, but its driving me mad.

Sincerely,
Concerned



Edit:

Dear Urist McWrestlers


Why did both of you decide to jump into the pond to kill the drowning goblin thief while our very busy aforementioned miner was off getting a drink? He tried to come and dig you out, but you were dead before he could get to you. Now I have to fill two more coffins.

Sincerely,
Irritated

[ElthMysterius]

Dear Dwarves of Raceboulder,

So... you might've noticed that you've all been evicted en masse. Every single one of you is going to have to fend for themselves in the wilderness.

As to why this is happening... like hell I'm gonna rememorize everything about this fortress that I forgot about since last time I played, months ago.

So... have fun wandering aimlessly!

Sincerely,
That guy

[Johuotar]

To the mayor

Beds can't be made from platinum so we cant make you one. Please stop throwing things at us.
-You fellow dwarves

[Reudh]

Dear Urist McImmigrant Miner,

When I mark out an area for digging, please do so immediately. Failure may result in evisceration by the clowns in our fort.

Also, to Urist McMason,
If you have no job and I order you to build walls around a doomed spot, DO IT. the lives of 135 dwarves is in your hands.

Sincerely, Reudh. Disgruntled overseer of the (now ruined) fort of Boldropes.

[Urist_McArathos]

Dear Urist McAxedwarf,

I'm glad to see you made it out of the hospital.  I know I should apologize; this whole mess is my fault, really.  When I saw the titan coming, I felt there was no immediate danger: we had (so I thought) only one way into the fortress, and I quickly stationed your squad of 10 steel clad dwarves at that entrance, right beside the two guard bears we keep chained there to stop thieves.  They're not just any bears, either: they're war grizzly bears, so I figured between the twelve of you it would be a relatively easy match.

See, I'd forgotten that the skylights in your training rooms upstairs (to prevent cave adaptation; wouldn't want you all puking and falling over during a siege, now would we?) weren't finished yet.  This particular Titan was a massive bird with a trunk and a regal bearing, and it decided to fly in a most kingly fashion towards this hole in the ceiling.  Fortunately (I thought), he only hovered there rather than bolting into the fortress proper for a slaughter, giving me time to send you all scurrying up the hillside to attack him.  I was worried that the first one of you there would charge in and be left alone until the others could get there; I was correct in that fear, but far worse than I thought.  You attacked, bravely, and hacked his trunk clean off!  Good for you, Urist.  I was grinning; maybe he'd be dead before the rest of the squad could arrive; you WERE hacking his wings vigorously, as though determined to make sure he wouldn't fly away.  Then, he knocked you off your ledge, through the hole, and into the training room below.  He then flew down to fight you, isolated from your squad.

Here's my apology: I didn't think about how long it takes to get from the fortress entrance to the barracks.  The double-helix ramp network, while pretty, was separated from the central stairway mostly for aesthetic reasons.  Since really only you and the miners use it (and neither of you go out much), I never gave it a second thought.  Now, you were trapped alone in a room with a Titan while your ENTIRE SQUAD had to go running numerous levels down the ramps, then back up the stairwell just to relieve you.  Terribly sorry about that; I'll make sure to connect them promptly to prevent future mishaps (a bridge will be used to cut off use of the stairs as needed).

You fought well for a long time without sustaining a scratch, all the while hacking and brutalizing the clearly-outmatched Titan.  I was impressed since you had NO military skills when I drafted you, and had only been sparring for about six months.  Damned impressive, but after the bird grabbed you by the head and nearly tore your scalp clean off (your steel helm probably the only thing that kept your head from being crushed like a grape), you promptly decided "Fuck this, I'm done fighting for the day", and stormed off to the hospital to rest.  I won't argue that choice; who could blame you after single-handedly holding off a Titan for the better part of 5 minutes my time (and with the game moving at 145 FPS, that was indeed a long time).  To add insult to injury, your squad leader came dashing up the stairs shortly after you left and finished the heavily wounded Titan off, claiming the kill.  Sorry about that as well; no doubt he's been bragging endlessly about it in the legendary dining hall.

Don't worry; I know what really happened, and a tomb is being commissioned for you at this moment which will include a solid silver coffin, and a slab naming the Titan will be placed there (to make sure all those who visit your tomb know the truth).  As for what comforts I can manage while you're alive, you are being promoted to Militia Commander.  Please be patient while I build you a new office; I'm having some reinforced chairs built that will handle the size of your massive balls.

Yours,

Urist McArathos, Fortress Overseer.


Dear Urist McLegendaryArmorer,

Damn fine work on that steel armor, Urist.  Damn fine.  Please report to the Fortress Overseer's office to discuss your reward.

Yours,

Urist McArathos, Fortress Overseer.

[Stuebi]

Dear Urist Mc Recruit

What the F is wrong with you? Seriously. I send you and your Companions out to deal with that Goblin Ambush. Like all your mates you are equiped with an Excellent Armor of Steel, Black Steel Weapons and Black Steel Shields. Yes i didnt expect a second Ambush to pop out, but i also thought these 5 additional Goblins wouldnt be too much of a Problem since most of you and your Mates are atleast Proficient at Combat Skills.

Urist McHammerdwarf, one of your mates, took down half the Ambush by HIMSELF. Your other Mates also brought down the Thunder on these puny Greenskins. Seriously a Battle fo this Epicness would deserve to be engraven on the Walls of our Dining Hall. But it wont, because of you! First you decided to show up for the Fighting too late, about half of the Attackers were allready cut to peices when you arrived. Then you charged a Goblin Bowman, which should have died in a matter of seconds considering you have a LEGENDARY Spear out of Black Steel. Instead he shot a bolt that barely scratched your Foot, whereafter you decided to leave the Battlefield and your Companions while running off to the Hospital.

There you spend 3 ENTIRE Seasons lying around being unproductive. The Doctors treated you in a matter of Minutes after your arrival but still you kept lying there like a fat stranded Carp. But that wasnt enough for you, was it? When a Goblin Siege hit us, you were in the Group that had the important Task of holding the Bridge while our Marksdwarves would slowly but steadily fill the Attackers with Bolts. And yet again you showed what a damn pansie you are, by running of to the Hospital after getting PUNCHED by one of the attacking Orcs. The Siege was dealt with fast by your Mates who showed how Fighting is done properly.

And still your lying in the Hospital Bed, because of a Punch, for almost a YEAR. I swear to armok if you dont get up in the next Season i will order the Miners to dig down to the Magma Seas and walling you in there with your damn Cat and watch you both get cooked.

Your very pissed Overlord

Dear Urist Mc Former Marksdwarf

After realising that you got a pretty decent Spearskill you were assigned to the Close Combat Squad which is one man short. No i have no idea what happened to Urist Mc Recruit, but im pretty sure he isnt burning alive in a Sea of Magma right now so dont worry about that.

Sincerely your Overlord

[billybobfred]

To: Miners' Guild of the fortress Mörulbardum, "Pagefought"
Re: Mining procedure

We're looking for magma. In the not-unlikely event that we pierce the caverns on the way down, we dig around the hole so we have room to stand when we seal it.

We do NOT choose this moment to break for lunch! That's just annoying.

[professorhelios]

Dwarves:

 I have seen fit to grant you near eternal life, large litters, and taken away the need to eat, drink, and sleep. I still provide you with luxurious rooms so you can breed and provide me more dutiful slaves. Now stop standing around staring at the rocks, finish digging my menagerie dungeon and get to humping! Armok demands SLAVES!!!!

-- Your Supreme God-Emperor