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[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
There are fish around here. In that pool even. So, there is something to catch in "the eastern swamps."
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear Urist McMiner,
Please stop hopping into that murky pool.
GWG, Ovrsr.

[Angel Of Death]

Dear Urist McMilitaryguy.

STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.

Yours sincerly, AoD.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McMilitaryguy.

STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.

Yours sincerly, AoD.

Dear AoD,
What is fire? Is it that blue stuff underground? No, wait, it's that blue stuff aboveground. Sure, I'll stop, I hate carp.
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitaryguy.
PS: I bet this red stuff would make a great export to the elves. I'll just store some in a stockpile...

[Necro910]

Dear Urist McMilitaryguy.

STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.

Yours sincerly, AoD.

Dear AoD,
What is fire? Is it that blue stuff underground? No, wait, it's that blue stuff aboveground. Sure, I'll stop, I hate carp.
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitaryguy.
PS: I bet this red stuff would make a great export to the elves. I'll just store some in a stockpile...

Dear Urist McMilitaryguy,
I think he means don't step into water. Silly humans, making up words!

With booze,
Necro

[Greiger]

To: The local humans,

Who's bright idea was it to have your law-giver show up, unescorted as a diplomat in the middle of a goblin attack?  There's like 30 goblins between my army and your law giver.  I'm afraid he's SOL.

P.S. If you decide to attack me for this, you soft-skins won't have any better luck than the greenskins and pointy ears.  Just a heads up.

The Administration (of Tallfires)

[GreatWyrmGold]

Now, Urist McMiner, when you channel out that last tile of the aquifer-breaching plug, do NOT stand on--uh, crap.
A. I made the plug too shallow.
B. I lost (probably) my miner and pick.
 

[krenshala]

To: The local humans,

Who's bright idea was it to have your law-giver show up, unescorted as a diplomat in the middle of a goblin attack?  There's like 30 goblins between my army and your law giver.  I'm afraid he's SOL.

P.S. If you decide to attack me for this, you soft-skins won't have any better luck than the greenskins and pointy ears.  Just a heads up.

The Administration (of Tallfires)

I'm guessing the humans didn't like Tallfires or their Law-Giver, and decided to try and solve both problems at once.

[zephyr_hound]

Dear Inspector Javert Captain of the Guard,

I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.

Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?

Yrs, Zephyr Hound

[shadenight123]

Dear Inspector Javert Captain of the Guard,

I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.

Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?

Yrs, Zephyr Hound

Dear Zephyr...
voices...in my head...adamantium...need more...bite...no hands...i want TO BITE YOU TO DEATH they are coming...yeeesss....
*scribbled with blood.

[Horizon9]

Dear Inspector Javert Captain of the Guard,

I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.

Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?

Yrs, Zephyr Hound

Was that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?

[antymattar]

Heres what I say:

YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! HOW COULD YOU HAVE GOTTEN A POSSESSED MOOD, USED UP HALF MY GEMS AND ROPES, AND MADE A STUPID BLOWGUN THAT WE HAVE NO AMMO FOR!?!?!?!?!?!?

[imperium3]

Dear Inspector Javert Captain of the Guard,

I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.

Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?

Yrs, Zephyr Hound

Was that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?

It's surely a reference to the character from Les Miserables.

[Horizon9]

Dear Inspector Javert Captain of the Guard,

I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.

Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?

Yrs, Zephyr Hound

Was that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?

It's surely a reference to the character from Les Miserables.

Oh ok.
I was thinking of a completely different Javert.
But let's not derail the thread, we can save that conversation for the Unfiction forums.

[Artificer]

Dear Urist McJeweler;

Where did you get your credentials as a jeweler? 

I fail to see why it was necessary to, instead of decorating the incredible plethora of gold and aluminium crafts lying around, or even the earthenware crafts, or the shell crafts the flipping mayor keeps mandating....

Why, oh why, do you find it necessary to encrust every used [Large Troll Fur Loincloth] and [Large Troll Fur Sock] in the fortress?  Not to mention that we now have the gaudiest, most expensive bee hives in the world.  And yet, you have not decorated a single item made of metal.  EVER.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to trade (pre-worn) jewel-encrusted socks and loincloths to the humans (preworn by TROLLS)?  If you weren't the only jeweler in the fortress, I would have you flung into the volcano.

[Rhaken]

Dear military dwarves of Punchdoors,

When that moose woman first blundered into our halls, you just stood idly by as it scared the entire civilian population into dropping whatever they were doing and running about with fresh stains on their pants. When it wandered into our workshop floor, you were specifically ordered to follow and detain it before it caused irreperable harm. You just stood there. Maybe you thought it would be fine, and the moose woman was just confused.

It bit our weaver's head off.

Even then, you lot just stood there, scant feet away, and only later decided that MAYBE the rabid moose woman with dwarf blood all over its head was a menace. One more incident like this, and you will be severely disciplined. All 80 of you.

Sincerely,
The Administration



Dear Urist McNotBiologist, Baroness of Punchdoors,

Giant eagles do not have teeth. We verified this after Urist McHunter shot one out of the sky and brought it to the butchery to be dissected. As such, your incessant demands for giant eagle tooth items make no sense whatsoever. They have done nothing so far but gotten several valuable workers savagely beaten in their sleep by the overzealous captain of the guard.

Should you continue to issue such unrealistic production mandates, we will be forced to relocate your entire lavish personal estate to your tomb. And seal it. With you inside.

Yours truly,
The Administration


Dear Local Giant Eagle Population,

In your aereal hunts through the mountains of Punchdoors, you may or may not have noticed several chained turkeys, spread throughout the mountainside. These are free meals for you. No strings attached (though perhaps a few cages). Please attack one at your earliest convenience. Our war roc could use the company.

Impatiently,
The Punchdoors Administration