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[Kogut]

Dear selfproclaimed Genius Leader,
b-C-w in forbidden place, then q-s over blocker, then b-C-w for real wall
Intrigued,
voices in your head.

What a revelation! I don't know where that voice came from but maybe I AM a genius!?!
The world will burn with my new knowledge  .

I posted it in this thread 3 times (or more 

[monkeydancer]

Dear (ex) Legendary Axedwarf,

When fighting that crundle next to a magma pool, could it not have crossed your mind that maybe getting hit is just slightly better than diving right into the magma?

[INSANEcyborg]

Dear Urist McRecruit,

First, I appreciate how fast you responded to your orders.  I'd appreciate it more however, if you actually went to the right place.  When I station you in a room, I want you IN the room, not in the doorway.

Second, I meant "drop everything" literally.  I am sorry for interrupting your drink, but please leave the barrel in the stockpile.  Don't take it with you and leave it at your post.  Especially when it blocks open the previously mentioned door.

Third, I gave you a training sword for a reason.  To train with.  It's not meant to be lethal.  You were supposed to chase some animals around while trying to hit them.  Bashing their skulls in, while amusing, was not what I had in mind.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McNoviceSiegeOperator,

I set that catapult up to sling some rocks at those goblins on the other side of the moat because I can't spare the time to make enough ballista ammunition.

No, I don't care that all the parts were hasty and badly made. You're somehow firing those stones in a direction the machine isn't even facing.


Hell, I could go out there with a hammer and a rope and cobble a catapult together myself, and still be ale to toss some rocks north like I told you to, not east-with-a-northward-drift-because-of-the-wind.

Get it together before we build a bridge instead, and send you over.


Dear sow badger with anger management problems,

  Please, tell me what we did to you. Did we drop something on your kits (pups? Whelps? What the heck is a baby badger, anyway?) or eat your husband or something?

The only thing we ever hear from you is 'Sow badger has become enraged!' whenever a dwarf is even within sight from the hill, and every one of the woodcutters on that side of the moat drops their axe and runs home in a bawling pants-soiling panic. And you've never even actually bitten at any of us.

Please, let us clear this up. We'll be glad to send over Urist McNoviceSiegeOperator to keep you company, and you can both take your chances.

[MythagoWoods]

Dear Deus Machina,

Badger babies are called cubs and YOU TRAMPLED THEM ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR "fort"! FEEL MY BADGERY RAGE!

Hugs and kisses,
Ms. Badger Sow

[Sarda]

Dear Possessed clothier #3.

I know you're probably the spirit of that silly leatherworker who couldn't complete his artifact  despite having every material he was screaming for availiable in nearby stockpiles. Please stop being a jerk and pick up those materials I mined AND acquired just for you. No, I don't care about that clothier, so you either complete the artifact or gb2 hell.

Enjoy dying a melancholic death again.

Yours truly,
The dwarfmind.

You're aware of the different types of cloth- plant, animal, and... er... something else I forget and am too lazy to look up on the wiki? Anyways, dorfs want one type. If they want plant fiber, they will not accept, say, wool. Did you make sure to giver him multiple types?

[Renzuko]

dear newly named ominthel, giant eagle

f*ck you, you killed all my dwarves, over some badger intestines, there was badger's conga lining about 20 blocks away

signed annoyed no longer overseer

[Sidhien]

Dear sadistic animal handlers of Bendworked,

Those monkeys I wanted transferred were supposed to be used to train our military. Please stop beating them to death as soon as you take them out of their cage.

(somewhat later)

Good animal handlers of Bendworked,

I hope this missive finds you well. After the incident where you slaughtered all our training monkeys one by one I have decided on a compromise: those monkeys where meant for the military, yet you killed them. Therefore, you are now IN the military and shall be continuing your training with that giant we captured. Here are your wooden training swords. Good luck!

Eagerly awaiting a new batch of legendary swordsdwarves,
Overseer Sid

[Deus Machina]

Dear human traders,

I believe our fifteen-percent profit offer was fair. In contrast, your counteroffer was more than twice the actual value of your goods.

Here's a counteroffer: you take my fifteen percent, or you get to join the goblins currently bleeding to death from their twelve-level drop into the dry moat.

-Still considering that drop,
overseer of Shotunion.

[Number7]

dear elven traders

why dont you make like a tree, and get out of here.

-Dwarven wood industry


Dear "Trained" Recruits

...

Thanks for all the extra work i guess.

-Urist McCoffinMaker

[Necro910]

dear elven traders

why dont you make like a tree, and get out of here.

-Dwarven wood industry

Dear Dwarven Wood Industry:

Water those trees 

With booze,
Sadistic Overseer Necro

[ledgekindred]

"Dear" Filthy Stinking Hippies Elves,

I've killed you.  I've stolen your stuff.  I've slaughtered your animals.  I've left you locked up until you went insane.  I've even tried to trade you (gasp) wood.

Will you get pissed off and attack me already?!

I think I've killed all the goblins; all I get out of them anymore are pathetic little ambushes that a little kid could rout.  The humans still bring me good stuff so I'm leaving them alone for now.  The caverns occasionally throw me some Fun but my military finishes them off too quickly.  All you ever bring is crappy wooden junk and stacks of unneeded cloth.  I'm bored.  Bring me Moar Fun!

Yrs,
Illustrious and Frustrated Overseer of All Things

[Sphalerite]

To reliably get elven invasions, you need to edit the entity raws to give the elves a diplomat.  Once you have a Baron, the diplomat will come around and demand you stop cutting trees.  Agree to his demands, then cut down every tree on the map.  When he comes back next year to complain, shoot him in the face.  Keep this up for a few years and they will send sieges.

[Necro910]

To reliably get elven invasions, you need to edit the entity raws to give the elves a diplomat.  Once you have a Baron, the diplomat will come around and demand you stop cutting trees.  Agree to his demands, then cut down every tree on the map.  When he comes back next year to complain, shoot him in the face.  Keep this up for a few years and they will send sieges.

Dwarf Fortress:

Teaching the importance of diplomacy.

[Samuel]

Dear Goblins,
We have a Giant War Lion. Do your worst, you ugly bastards.
-Dwarves