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[KillerClowns]

Dear Woge Sanasmoma of the Circumstantial Kingdom:
I was so happy when I saw your tall figures leading along camels into the desolate wastelands that the dwarves of Toolstrengths call home.  Humans are a wonderful sight, especially after having to deal with that whiny elven diplomat.  I was mildly concerned, however, when I saw you had neglected to bring a wagon, but, so be it: our humble abode is not exactly the stuff of legends yet, and the way is quite dangerous.  I imagine the insurance premiums for zombie wolves must be terrible.

Oh, yes, did I mention that?  The zombie wolves?  You humans are supposed to be excellent businessmen.  Ask yourself: what is a dwarvern outpost, smack in the middle of a land crawling with the undead, and sitting atop an aquifer, most likely to want?  Weapons.  Good, strong, metal weapons: even your bronze will suffice against the undead.  Instead, you brought a single bow, and a ostentatious copper sword bedecked with platinum spikes and encrusted with silver!  And a veritable mountain of cheese and jellyfish.

Armok damn you all.

[Duntada Man]

:Armok damn you all" is an excellent signature for this thread.

[Ze Spy]

To Urist McExplosiveCannonOperator

WHAT THE JESUS BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHEN I SAID FIRE THE FUCKING EXPLOSIVE SHELL AT A FUCKING GAP, I DIDN'T SAY FIRE A EXPLOSIVE SHELL AT OUR SQUAD OF LEGENDARIES

FUCK YOU

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urists McStarving:
I know you think you should spend your time trying to hunt rats. They, as well as all other creatures, like that dragonborn kobold* ex-adventurer that killed Urist McWoodcutter when he approached him, are being kept out, and you in, by a wall.
One that is designated for removal.
It's not hard, morons.

Sincerely,
Siding with his old adventurer.
*Not vanilla.

EDIT: HOLY CRAP! YOU ACTUALLY REMOVED THE WALLS!

Dear My Old Adventurer,
The dwarves will be better sport if they're not starving.
Sincerely, The fore unknown that guided you.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.

Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you

[Vorthon]

Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.

Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you

You do realize there's an 'edit' button, right? There are only a few scenarios that warrant a doublepost.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.

Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you

You do realize there's an 'edit' button, right? There are only a few scenarios that warrant a doublepost.

I hadn't noticed no one else had posted.
My bad.



--------------
Dear Urists McEveryone:
Maybe you're stupid. Maybe you're not.
Please be predictable, at least.

EDIT:
This goes for you, Urist McMason. I thought that designated walls would stop you from building from THE INSIDE OF A MURKY POOL. Next time, if there is one, it's fine to stand on the nice, neat, unfinished farm plot, 'kay?

[Greiger]

To Militia commander Laryter Nameentrance.

Yes you are awesome with your sword.  It was noted quite some time ago.  Will you please let your sparring partners get a swing in now and then?  I would like for them to gain some offensive skills too please.

Sincerely,
The Administration.

[tehc]

Dear every dwarf in my military

Please, either stay in the stockpile room and drink or leave the drink and go to the station. Don't take the barrel to the station and then drop it to attack some war elephants, causing a legendary armorsmith to walk out into the battlefield retrieve the barrel of strawberry wine, only to get quickly mauled to death.

Dear Urist McLegendaryBlacksmith

Please, when the legendary armorsmith dies from trying to retrieve a barrel of strawberry wine, don't run out in order to succeed where he failed.

[Mandango]

Dear Thirsty Dwarves,
I have given you wells in all of your common areas and yet for some reason you still choose to go on the long trek to a murky pond outside.  WTF is wrong with you, I'm not going to help you when the goblins kill you, you're the one who thought it was a good idea to get on the other side of all the weapon traps I painstakingly put in place to defend your precious freaking cabinets!  I might just wall off all the water outside, how would you like that.
Yours truly,
The only damn Dwarf who knows anything about safety and clean water.

[Masterspartacus]

Dear Legendary miner,
When you break through a magma tube you should step back five feet and go up the stairs to safety, not let your feet get burnt off and die, better luck in the next life. Thanks

Dear !!Legendary miner!!,
You did better this time, but be a little more punctual next time. 

P.S. You could also consider drinking water next time, or maybe a swim?
P.P.S. The other dorfs don't appreciate drinking !!Booze!!
P.P.P.S They also don't appreciate sleeping in the !!dormitory!!

[Mandango]

Dear Ustuth Oshurnish,
Why in the world do you thin it would be a good idea to try and clean a weapon trap when the reason it is dirty is because of the siege of invading goblins getting hacked to bits by it.  Feel free to clean it after the siege, WHEN YOU WON'T GET KILLED FOR TRYING TO CLEAN IT!
Sincerely,
your ever wise fortress leader

[Greiger]

To Urachank,

You charged the goblin thief, that was surrounded by lo less than 5 of your squad because for some reason it tried to sneak through your formation waiting for the giant.  I thought it would be easy.  You are in full bronze plate wielding a greatsword made of adamantine.  The goblin is unarmored wielding an iron dagger.

How did the goblin parry your attacks not once, but TWICE before stabbing you, a dracon almost twice it's size, in the upper spine?  I assumed 'competent swordsman' implied competence.  You are hereby discharged from the military.  Unlike other overseers I don't dispose of my battle wounded, so you get to sit in the hospital for the rest of your natural life to think about your complete and utter failure.

Glad to sort a failure out of the military before the real threats start invading,
The Administration

P.S. I see you chose to suffocate.  Your family will be mailed a bill for the cost of the funeral, and a copy of this letter will be sent to your next of kin,  as well as engraved into your tombstone.

[MadJax]

Dear Dodok Ducimen, Farmer and Badass,

I wish to extend my heartfelt thanks to you. I don't know how you did it, but when our 10 military dwarves, fully trained and decked out in steel armour held the gate against our second consecutive siege, you decided it was a good idea to charge out to meet the squad of goblins who had just arrived. At first, I thought you an expendable peon, easily replaced. But when you proceeded to literally tear them apart with your bare hands and a silk sock, I have reconsidered. You are our new military commander, and I am commissioning statues and rooms built in your honour. We need more dwarves like you, as you are, without a doubt, the most badass dwarf I have ever encountered.

Sincerely,

Management.

[Maklak]

Dear Caravan.

Siege is not a good time for visiting my fortress. Coming from the direction opposite to the entrance, and walking around the moat during said siege was not very bright either. Still, you might have only suffered minimal losses, had you decided to run for my depot, and not scatter trying to run away from goblins, who are faster than you. While I appreciate bravery of your escort, charging off one by one to meet their doom from different squad of goblins was just bad tactics. Next time please stay in group and concentrate fighting on one squad.

To those of you who made it inside: I know, the death of your companions must have been quite a shock, but you should wait out the siege in the safety of my trade depot, rather than try to leave immediately. Still, I respect your free will.

If it is any consolation, our military managed to get rid of the goblins, and you are all getting a funeral. I also appreciate the gift of all the loot you no longer need. 

Well, maybe some of it was my fault, so I decided to commission additional pylons entrances into our fort with raised bridges for safety.

PS: Please bring more guards next time.