Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Vorthon]

Dear Urist McLeatherworker,

How the hell did you fall into the lake? And since when is the food stockpile down there? You're lucky you managed to haul your sorry ass out of there before you drowned. Or starved. You would not have been missed.

Sincerely, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.

Dear Urist McPossessedFishDissector,

Uhh... about that artifiact... Yeah... Awkward... 'Smeareagle the Immortal Love'... and the fact that it's a scepter doesn't really help... Are you trying to tell your lover something?

Sincerely, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.

[Flaede]

Yes. Apparently, digging a ramp under a tree results in a tree with no ground beneath it.

If you designated an "outdoor" farm out of ramps... cave-ins

Ah, trees. The hereditary enemy of all Dwarves.

[Vorthon]

Dear Urist McAvarCaravanGuard:

Stop beating up that elephant. It's bleeding all over my fortress. I do not like the mess.

Sincerely, the eternally perplexed and bemused overlord of the dwarven fortress DragonCudgel.

Dear Urist McHobgoblinCaravanPackElephant:

Stop bleeding on my fort. Just hurry up and die from your horrific injuries already.

Sincerely, the eternally perplexed and bemused overlord of the dwarven fortress DragonCudgel.

[Zrk2]

Dear King,

GTFO! I needed that liason to import metals! i would kill you just to get him back. Assholes, who gives a shit about spoiler metal anyway?

Your pissed God

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear Engravers, Bone Carvers and Moody Dwarves

Stop engraving/decorating the same fucking hydra killing the same fucking orc. It's getting repetitive beyond words to see that same thing on every wall, artifact and craft in the fortress. You have 1050 years' worth of other events to engrave about.

ONE-THOUSAND FIFTY FUCKING YEARS.

Make something original. No, I don't mean your least favorite vermin or your pet cat or those circles or whatever the goddamn hell you're making on the other walls not covered in this hydra on orc bullshit. Make something major, like the elevating of one of the dwarves to queenhood or the titan that destroyed half your civilization.

Yours truly,
The omnipresent overseer that isn't afraid to drown your sorry asses if you don't stop making this crap all the time.

[Fredd]

 Dearest Bomreck,
Yes, I know about the current sanitation problems at the fort. Several haulers have been  protesting getting hit on the head by poop, when reclaiming goods from the bottom of the garbage chute. Quit doing your business there, and yes, I know it is referred to as a dump. Go take dumps outside.
 His holiness The Great Toad will invent chamber pots one day. But then you better hope he invents toilet paper soon after.

 Sincerely,
The harried, but beloved overseer

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

Dear UristMcHunter,

Our masons finally plugged the hole between our cavern farms and the outside cavern. This hole caused many cavern animals including the troll that killed our outpost liason. I appreciate that you dumped his body in a catacomb, but that's off topic.That same hole allowed you to hunt in the caverns, which was just fine until you got sealed in.

Sincerely,
Overseer

Dear UristMcMason

You just had to plug the hole when our hunter was hunting, didn't you. What did the hunter do to you? He puts food on our (chairless) tables.

Sincerely,
Overseer and Hunter

[Rex_Nex]

Dear Urist McDumbass,

I thought those socks were forbidden.

Sincerely,
The Overseer

[Mister Always]

Dear hunters of the 9-year fort Doortax,

first of all, I appreciate what you do. No, really! You guys bring food on the table. Well, food that isn't more plump helmets, at least. Apart from that little incident where one of you ran into the herd of crundles I wanted to capture to use as military meatshields, I can't complain. Except about one more thing.

When you go out hunting mountain goats? Aim. For. The. Heaaaad. Stop picking off every single limb and then letting the poor animals bleed out, you psychopaths.

Dear miners of blah blah blah,

that cave-in above our new whip vine farm plot was your fault, admit it. Two of your comrades died because you're all thick as bricks. Thanks for taking up two more of our coffins.

[Samrobot]

Dear Urist McButcher,

       The next time you recover another dwarf barely hanging on to dear life please don't play your own fucked up game of capture the flag with the rampaging troll and using said dieing dwarf as the flag

Sincerely,
      Your furious overlord

[Rhaken]

Dear Urist McHouse, C.M.D.,

You may have woken up with a severe headache several seasons back for no discernible reason. This was the result of the Captain of the Guard deciding to ambush you in your sleep to dispense dwarven justice by way of whacking in the grill. Being the chief medical dwarf, we had sort of expected you to diagnose the bruises as more than just "vivid dreams".

However, this does not excuse your ridiculous lack of will to do your job. As we speak, Urist McFarmer continues to lie in the makeshift hospital we designated in the middle of the food stores, where he collapsed of his wounds over a year ago in the middle of yet another drunken rampage justice call by the Captain of the Guard. We even set up a bed for him to rest. He has been awaiting diagnosis for several months now.

You have until the next caravan arrives to do your job. Should you fail to comply, you will be forced to donate your gonads to !!dwarven medical science!!.

Sincerely,
The Administration

Holy Armok, did Fredd sig me?
He did.
I AM COMPLETE.

[abadidea]

Dear Dwarven Caravan,

I asked you for the world. You brought me two barrels, an axe, a spiked ball, and a few odd crafts. I have seen elves fit more on a single donkey. What the heck.

[Ze Spy]

Dear Urist McButcher,

       The next time you recover another dwarf barely hanging on to his miserable life please play your own hilarious game of capture the flag with the rampaging troll and using said dieing dwarf as the flag

Sincerely,
      Your overlord

Fix'd

[Hivemind]

Dear Urist McNowLegendaryWeaponsmith,

So I started on a flat heavily wooded area with no magma. I could've definitely built a regular forge, I certainly had enough wood laying around... 5 iron anvils, some bauxite. But greedy as only a god can be, I didn't want you to make a cheap artifact weapon. I wanted something far, far better. Of course, having just found the great magma sea, I knew the miners could totally dig fast enough to dig some spoilerstone out, even if it was a good ways away.

And they did it. They did it, and I even had them build you a nice magma forge next to the vein. Everything worked out, and you didn't go berserk. I'm wondering, though, as to whether you went partially insane. Did the wait, which I admit was a close call, strain your booze-addled thinker too much? Because I really can't think of any other reason you'd waste precious, precious metal (and my time, and the miners' time) on a bright blue warhammer.

If I wanted to slay demons most foul with a pool noodle made of nerf, I'd be playing Hippy Elf Commune instead of Dwarf Fortress. You're lucky you're still marginally useful, or else you'd be in the troll pit, armed only with your mockery of Armok's blessings.

Sincerely,
The Ever-Present Voice in Your Head

[Redukt]

Dear dwarves of Waterglaze,

I have taken a look at the engravings in your dining room, and to be frank I'm concerned. Your priorites and grip on reality seem rather skewed, even for dwarves. Why, for instance, is there such a demand for pictures of our first militia commander drowning? I mean, really. It was a freak accident, nothing more. Is it supposed to be a public service announcement of some sort? "Kids, don't fall into murky pools when fighting werewolves"? And, if so, why not use the more inclusive "kids, watch out for werewolves"?

But that's really just nitpicking compared to the issues raised by your other preferred genre of dining room engravings. Let us look at a canonical example, "The Mean Zealot" by Morul Ustuthumril:

"Engraved on the wall is a masterfully designed image of Dakost Handlesavant the dwarf and dwarves by Morul Ustuthumril. The dwarves are refusing Dakost Handlesavant. Dakost Handlesavant looks dejected. The artwork relates to the removal of Dakost Handlesavant from the position of chief medical dwarf of The Free Craft in the midspring of 1051."

We can all agree it's a fine piece of art, but... well... that's not quite what happened to Dakost. If you recall, his medical career ended when he was killed by a frickin werewolf. Are you beginning to see a theme here? Werewolves are roaming outside our gates, mauling woodcutters and wayward children, and here you are, terrified of peer pressure and murky pools.

The psychological mechanism at work is easy to understand, but still... try get a grip? All of you? You seem happy enough, but I fear it's the brittle kind of happiness. In one of you, one of these days, it will shatter and and go on a stabbing rampage. You may fool DwarfTherapist, but you're not fooling me.

The Overseer