Dear dwarves of Doortax,
you're actually all doing pretty well. We're hard at work strip-mining the cavern that one of the miners discovered (bless 'em all), and the riches are just flowing in. Just a few points.
1. Stop running into the hospital and dragging the patients back to their beds while the doctors are STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF SURGERY. I mean, really?
2. We're building a cleaning pit in the middle of one of the main hallways so that you'll no longer have to whine about not being allowed to use the soap in the hospital.
3. Please clean that minotaur, dwarf, and goblin blood off the wall near the mason's workshop. It's starting to coagulate and smell bad, and you know how hard it is to get blood off limestone.
4. A note specifically to the countess - you forbid the exportation of large cut gems just when the human trade caravan showed up. If your next mandate is "gem windows in me bedroom", we're throwing you off the melancholy/execution tower.
5. Urist McTresher, if there's a report about a giant toad in the stairwell, don't run down there to make friends with it. You're lucky you only got a few bruises...'cuz we're short on tombs.
6. To the goblin prisoners, stop yelling. We'll execute you soon enough.
7. To the medical dwarves, how come your surgery doesn't seem to be fixing the wounded up any?
8. To the countess, I know it's hard being both the broker AND the countess with a liaison and a caravan here, as WELL as being one of our legendary miners, but, really. Priorities, ma'am. Caravan first, liaison second, digging third.
9. To those who have entered fey moods before, what's the idea? It's all shit like jewelry that we can't even trade away, and one legendary limestone mechanism. The menacing limestone spikes on that are aesthetically pleasing, but the mechanic has complained about using it. It was going to be the centerpiece for our goblin pit trap, but then it wasn't.
10. To the olm men civilization that is apparently in our caverns, where are you guys? We're lookin' to kill you all, and if you keep hiding like wusses, well, that's just not very sporting of you.
11. To the goblins of Zuslenako, the East Torments (good name, by the way), just stop trying. Seriously. You will never get past our cage traps. If you even MAKE it that far, because your human companions seem to be turning on and slaughtering most of you when your ambushes show up, sending you all scattering, as soon as they see our fort and decide "fuck these gobbos, I'm gonna live with the dwarves". Sure, most of the time they get their limbs brutally chopped off as well, but come on. Get a hobby. Start a family. Anything but just showing up at the edge of our territory and starting to infight.
12. To the kobolds of Traljeembis, why've you stopped coming? Our war dogs could use the exercise. They're getting big and fat. Tell you what, though. We can be friends. We have a very nice, big, expansive cave you'd feel right at home in. What? No, this is not an elaborate ploy to get you guys and the olm men (and all other sorts of nasty critters that may be down there) to wipe eachother out. Come on, we'll give you some nice crafts for your trouble! If you survive.
13. To the elves of Ithiile Midebi, the Golden-Pear of Vises, stop bringing us your useless wooden shit. Know what we want? Booze. Booze and maybe some animals we can train into war beasts. Maybe a li'l bit of food. Other than that, seriously, nothing you have interests us. Except maybe if you bring some golden pears. We'd like those.
14. To the humans of Gosathdur, the Barricaded Empire, you might want to improve your barricades a little. The goblins have so many of your guys that I'm fairly sure the humans will have displaced them within the next human lifespan. Which, admittedly, if your barricades are shitty enough to let those goblin thieves through, can't be that long.
15. To the kobolds of Trajleembis, again, are you sure you don't want to be friends? We've got this stuff called "alcohol" I'm sure you'd like.
16. To the Mountainhomes, how about sending a Dungeon Master our way? We could kinda use one.
17. To the kobolds of Trajleembis, again: pretty please with sugar and a []limestone figurine of kobolds[] on top?
18. To the semi-megabeast of the surroundings, we've already killed that one Ettin and the minotaur. Something-or-other the Dreamy Shark. Yeah, odd title, I know. I'm just sending you this letter to assure you, no, you will not get past our defences.
19. Dear Urists McMiner, how about digging out that 1X1 channel I designated in the main hallway? Seriously, the dwarves are starting to reek. Covered in blood, pus, mud, all that fun stuff.
20. To Urist McSmelter, hurry it up with those goddamn steel bars, will ya? I'll have you slain.
21. To the kobolds of blah blah blah, once more: and a []steel dagger[]?
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Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves (Read 1554391 times)