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[Beach Bum]

Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,

You don't have to stop fishing when you see a carp. You know why? It is a god damn fish! Catch the fucking thing and stop telling me there is nothing to catch in the swamps or you will find yourself reassigned to being the broker's personal ball scratcher so that maybe he will show up to the trade post before the traders leave instead of scratching his nuts somewhere by the river.

[UristMcDwarf]

Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,

You don't have to stop fishing when you see a carp. You know why? It is a god damn fish! Catch the fucking thing and stop telling me there is nothing to catch in the swamps or you will find yourself reassigned to being the broker's personal ball scratcher so that maybe he will show up to the trade post before the traders leave instead of scratching his nuts somewhere by the river.

The mistakes of a newbie.
You'll learn...

[Mister Always]

Dear Urist McHerbalist,

WE HAVE NO BOOZE.

Seriously. Not any booze. Any. No wine, no ale, no beer, not even a lousy rock mug full of sewer brew that you could at least wash your mouth out with.

The farm isn't up yet because Urist McMechanic won't make any mechanisms, despite his workshop being completely empty and there being quite a few orders up in his workshop. The channel to where I want the farm plots to be is dug out, there's floodgates being built, but no mechanisms.

Thus it falls to YOU to save our glorious fortress from a tantrum spiral.

SO STOP SITTING ON YOUR ASS AND GO GATHER PLANTS, DAMN IT! I DESIGNATED A CUBIC ASSLOAD OF THEM! HOP TO IT, SQUIRE! CHOP CHOP!
With love,
Urist McOverseer.

Dear Urist McBrewer,
Are you sure you can't brew alcohol from dead Rhesus macaques?
Love,
Urist McOverseer.

Dear elves,
WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR ARMOK-DAMNED CARAVAN WHEN WE NEED IT?!
With lava love,
Urist McOverseer.

[Elu]

Dear Urist McObsidianDorf

a report has been filed about you. again.

let me recap those

the first one was about how you valiantly killed a thief with a fireball, with the only downside of hurting a little Urist McMiner. as the result of this action you where immediatly drafted to military.

this one is about your action in the last goblin's siege, Urist McFarmer reported that you, stationed with your squad at the entrance of the fort's wall, waiting for the gobbos to came at axe-distance, suddenly decided to kill those gobbos. with a fireball. sadly, the gobbos, and half of your squad, was in a forest. some second later the situation became kinda like "blood bunch crawling in circles in hell".
we like to inform you that your squad was annhilated, but some goblins survived and managed to wreack havoc to the fortress, the population suffered a 78% death loss and aren't tantruming only because they have engraved bedroom, i think. also a good part of the trees and plant are gone, ALL plant, hope you'll enjoy only dwarven wine for a looong time.

However
your brave and truly dwarvish actions have drawed the attention of the Scientific Administrator, that has requested you as the test pilot for the XB5-dg "experimental dwarf-guided explosive booze barrel", report to the south drawbridge 2nd level as soon as you leave infirmary, or find a crutch.


sincerely
your mourning Administrator

[Korva]

To: Her Royal Highness Dastot Mafolshadmal, most exalted Queen of the Distant Mirrors

I am flattered, really. Yes, Earthendawn has thrived for seven years now and withstood several sieges. Yes, we have sent many trade goods and extra tribute to the Mountainhome to show our respect and worth. But I never expected you to grace our humble fortress with your presence, else I would have made appropriate preparations for your reception and accommodation. We only just got made a barony last fall, and I thought we would have to be elevated to county and duchy before you and your family would even consider moving in.
 
Clearly I was wrong. Accept my humble apologies. And, er ... please do not take offense at our complete and utter state of surprise. We will make sure to provide you with quarters befitting your status as quickly as dwarvenly possible, which as you know is very fast indeed.


To: Urist McEverydwarf

The queen has just arrived and we've been caught with our collective pants down. MINERS! Find a good spot and start digging her suite! BLACKSMITHS AND MASONS! Crank out more masterwork furniture! ENGRAVERS! On standby to smooth the suite once it's dug. BREWERS! Our booze stockpiles need refilling! MILITIA! Get out there and escort the queen and her court in case the goblins decide this would be a fun time to siege again. Everyone move, no one panic!

(Oh shit oh shit oh shit ...)

[TolyK]

sweet. good luck.

[Tcei]

Dear citizens of Duskmountain:

I appreciate your hard work, with your diligence we have created a fortress capable of housing the entirety of the dwarven race (all 15 of you) and then some. I realize that the hardships of trying to survive and all have made it so there is little time to get to know your fellow survivors. However we have reached a point now where time off is now feasible, I give you time off when ever I can. Please hurry up and get married and start popping out babies. You are our last hope.

Sincerely,
The Overlord.

[Slade Beds]

Dear Urist McHighmastergemsetter,

Thank you for encrusting the plain lead goblet with rubies and star rubies. The high quality platinum goblets looked fine as they were.

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear all Urists of the military,

Please get around to killing that titan. All 30 of you have been wrestling, slashing, poking and stabbing that thing for months now, please, it is terrifying the other dwarves.

With bloodlust,
Your impatient overseer.
Dear Overseer,

I'm sorry sir, these things don't go down easily. Sir, if you recall, it is made of iron, doesn't breathe, doesn't feel pain, pass out, over exert or anything that would kill a normal creature. If you also recall, it is almost as big as a dragon and can fly, it's bite fully paralyzes a dwarf and it has two heads.

With fear,
Urists of the military.

[Korva]

Dear Urist McBaronness,

Stop whining! You've been a pillar of the community ever since you and your six buddies founded this fort. You work hard. You like stuff that is easy to come by. I have never let anyone fail your mandates either as mayor or now as baronness. You've been flat-out ecstatic for most of the seven years you've been here. And now you're getting all high and mighty and "utterly traumatized by a lesser's pretentious quarters"?  To hell with that. I'm not kicking my other favourite dwarves out of their snazzy bedrooms just so you can lord your new status over them. Go back to socializing and being happy, damn it!


Dear Urists McRoyalCouple,

We have plenty of armor to go around. Of course I understand that you don't want to wear goblin junk (who would?) but my armorer has been busy churning out brand spanking new, high-quality steel armor for you and your royal guard. I suggest you put on the entire uniform I assigned to you before going back into the danger room. Luckily you both walked out with only a bruised head. It would have been mighty embarrassing to get a monarch for the first time and have them die before the season turns. Remember, these martial lessons are for your own benefit and protection! Not to mention that a fierce warrior queen is more inspiring to her people than a mere socialite.


"Dear" Goblins McGreenskins,

Pathetic. Try harder.


Dear Forgotten Beast

Why did you have to spawn with deadly blood? I was looking forward to match my best warrior against a Beast in single combat, but I'm not going to risk an epidemic, dwarf washers or no. Don't you have any friends you can invite over for some mutual fun?

[Sutremaine]

Layering?

[Akura]

Dear Dwarves,
  While I admire your efforts to bury any dwarven dead, including the enemy, which despite being brainwashed by goblins as children(presumably), and died valiantly rebelling against said goblins, they were still the enemy. And those goblins were still there. When I forbid the corpse, I mean don't bury them. But you still run out to entomb a severed hand, or even a damn back tooth. This has caused the death of our Chief of Medicine, whom we have no place to bury due to the enemy dwarves being earmarked for our remaining space in the mortuary, as well as a mechanic/animal handler losing most of her right arm. Also, when I say "Go to the Burrow", I mean "Go to the F&#KING BURROW!", not run around in circles to the tune of Yakety Sax while being chased by a goblin with a bloody axe. We have cage traps for a reason.

Dear Goblins of the five simultaneous ambushes,
  Attack us, or leave. Don't just sit there with your thumbs up your asses because your war leaders had the bright idea of assigning early graduates of the Non-Goblin Brainwashing Academy as your squad seargants. Specifically, this goes to the full pike squad that killed the CMD, and the lone axgoblin that took our animal handler's arm. The rest of you had the sense to retreat back home. By now, they're filing an official complaint with their war office, one which will undoubtedly answered will torture and execution - you are goblins, after all - but hey, I'd be complaining too. Speaking of...

Dear Goblin War Office,
  Reeeeaal smart move there. Putting fresh human and dwarven recruits into leadership positions. They hadn't even completed the brainwashing program, but you gave them weapons, maps, ration, etc., and sent them off to initiate guerrilla warfare. And they were the ones holding the orders, so the rest of the goblins don't even know what they're doing. So please, send someone to call them back. It's pretty pathetic, actually.

[Inglonias]

Dear Dwarves.

While I am at the same time impressed and perplexed about how you managed to get your embark wagon so high up, I'd like it if you started much, much closer to "ground level." I realize that you had a hard trip, but you don't need to stop on THE SIDE OF A $&%*ING MOUNTAIN.

Signed me.

[Corwyn]

Dear Urist McAmbidexterous-impromptuweaponspecialtist,

  I promise that you will be given an axe to fight with, then to spar with once your companions are better wrestler/shield users so they would survive your attacks.  Please put down the two extra sets of chain mail (one left hand, one right hand).  The recruits you've been saddled with are tired of going to bed with chainmail mesh imprints on their faces.

P.S.  Nevermind.  You've apparently worked those things into some kind of extra glove, as you now have axe and shield and are still decapitating goblins who try to sneak in.  I don't care if they're blue metal or not, you can keep them as long as you keep up the good and messy work.

~The overseer.

[Samuel]

Dear Improvised Cook,
I'm not blaming this problem on the incompetance that comes with being a beginner, because I know you'll always have this problem. I'm not asking you to change, because I know you will ignore me as always. I'm just letting you know that if you hadn't been uselessly rendering fat instead of cooking like I asked you to, the work room wouldn't have filled with the stench of rotten Camel parts. Also, we would have food to eat and wouldn't starve to death.

If this issue eventually leads to malnutrition, I'm going to lock you in a hole so that we don't waste precious food supplies on you.

Signed,
Samuel