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[TolyK]

Dear Urist McHunter,

How on earth did you manage to get on top of that tree?

-Your Perplexed Overseer

I had this happen right now.

Oh, and:

Dear Urist McGuyver,
Stop using that toy hammer for killing the troll and use your sword instead.

[UristMcDwarf]

Dear Urist

Why?

-armok

[TolyK]

Dear Urist

Why?

-armok

don't you have this all the time?

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Urist McOnFire

Well I didn't expect that airlock to work so well.  No don't expect to be freed until either you get put out or die, probably of thirst before blood loss.  Seriously.  You've been on fire for TWO SEASONS.  EXPIRE!

Your Loving Comrade What Lurks In The dark

[Urist Imiknorris]

Dear Urist McEngineer:

All I wanted you to do was pull the lever that would kill every non-crippled dwarf in the fort except for you. I even crippled your wife so that she could survive the purge. Why did you have to do that stockpiling job first? Now there are survivors because they were impatient and got drinks/food. And you aren't one of them.

-With all the hate in the world,
Urist Imiknorris, Professional God

[Lagslayer]

Dear Urist McHauler,

Please dump the hematite so I can patch up that hole in the wall. And please, for the love of Armok, finish hauling that hydra corpse before you start on the goblinite.

[poca]

Dear Urist McNoble

Welcome to my fortress. I understand how rude it is that this form letter didn't even bother to replace the generic name with your actual name but being a noble in this fortress is by far the most dangerous job here and if history teaches us anything, it teaches us that the only creature alive with a shorter life expectancy than a noble in this fortress is a fly; flies never seen a full moon twice so I won't bother to learn your name until you have seen the same month twice.

The only way that you will actually earn enough respect to be a viable leader in this fortress is by showing the masses that you posses both the capability and will to do what you ask them to do. For this reason, you should be aware that any decree you make may tasked by myself solely to you. This is not an empty threat; every noble's first decree will _always_ be solely implemented by themselves.

This policy became a necessity when a noble decreed that slade goods should be built. Slade is only found underneath the world and is being walked upon by the hordes of countless demons (you can spend the rest of your life counting the demons and still not count them all). Many tried to use reason to dissuade this insanity but reason won't budge insanity. So I set this noble to work building a stairway down to his doom. Everybody in the fortress stopped dead when he finally breached the demon realm because we could all hear the terrifying sound of the demon realm. That indescribable sound left every livening thing in the fortress unable to move until a death scream woke me up enough to pull the lever that severed the fools destiny from our own.

This policy has resulted in abnormal life expectancies. The nobles generally kill themselves within a year but everybody else tends to die of old age and that means this fortress' workers spend their entire lives honing their skills to the point that they are all legends. They have used their skill to make this the wealthiest and most uxorious fortress in the world. This combination means we get the most skilled people from other fortresses when they are asked to commit suicide for their nobility.

Of course not _all_ nobles die. Some have a combination of hardiness and luck that only lands them in hospital beds. The brighter ones either find another fortress or retire. The brilliant ones actually beat the heavy odds against them and yet are not only alive but respected. They do this by doing basic research that ensure their official acts are both meaningful and possible. The only nobles who don't stand a chance are those with the hubris to believe they are better than their subjects and the lack of curiosity to find out whether or not this is actually true.

The Overseer

[sicksock]

I wish I could have that (^) engraved on the door of my fortress

[zephyr_hound]

Dear Urist McMetalworker, Militia Commander,

I know it's upsetting to see something that should rightfully be dead still up and walking, but please let me point a few things out.

Firstly, it is a zombie arctic fox. It is even smaller than a regular red fox. Not only that, it is slow moving because it is a zombie. Even your arch enemy, Urist McCivilianGemsetter, could punt that thing into the middle of next week.

Secondly, it is outside the city walls, four z-levels below you. It cannot possibly get to you while you are putting the roof on our Cathedral of Armok.

Thirdly, it is an arctic fox on the surface of the glacier. You are four z-levels above it and at least fifteen tiles away horizontally. How can you even SEE it down there in the snow?

Fourthly, you are actually the leader of our first and highest ranked military squad. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to see you taking some time out from Individual Combat Drill to lend a hand to the construction workers, but I also have to remind you that you carry a masterwork steel axe. You are not setting a good example for your squad members by running up and down the battlements screaming. If the zombie arctic fox bothers you that much, go down and kill it or I shall draft you to do so.

Now PLEASE stop suspending construction every three seconds.

Thank you.

[yaklin]

Dear Kol Thibamasob,
The point of the drowning chamber attached to the hospital is so that I can end your suffering and then give you a proper burial and reacquire government property. So will you kindly cease your efforts to escape by going into the channel and up a ramp and die like a dwarf?

[Hivemind]

Dear Urist McNoble,

We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success. Please pull the lever in the middle of the room, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave your room. Assume the 'Party Escort Submission Position' or you will miss the party.

Sincerely,
THE DIRECTOR

[UristMcDwarf]

Dear UristMcBerserk.
My military killed you.
Nobody even really cared.

Boo Hoo for you,
Armok, God of Blood

[Musashi]

Dear Urist McBabypopper,

I'm sorry 3 of your children out of 4 died, but maybe you should take the hint we reached a population of 200 not too long ago (no longer the case because, surprise, accidents happened) and one and a half page of kids (just a single page today for the same reasons as the above), and that maybe, just maybe, you should consider using contraceptives.
May I remind you that, in your species, alcohol absolutely is not a contraceptive? Or maybe it's just as toxic and it's why you bunch of morons are, well, morons?
Now is not the time for philosophical rhetoric. What I'm saying is that you'd be maybe happier if you and your husband didn't insist on making your own personal army of child mercenaries.
It's not my fault if the exploding-feet syndrome targets all the populations I can't make wear socks.

No love,
your Overseer who isn't paving the whole place for shit and giggles

[Lex Talionias]

Dear Urist McSleepyMiner

look, i know your legendary +5 and that dose grant you a certain amount of leniency but for fuck sake quit it with all the fucking naps. magma smelting operations are still waiting to start because the primary magma vent is still not open yet, the haulers are actually dragging back all the stones and ores form the tunnel faster then the tunnel is moving! how is that possible? the vent is hundreds of paces away form the dumping site and there just arnt that many haulers. i'll tell you how it's bloody possible! you are spending more time in bed then swinging a pick!

Your very vengeful MiltaCaptain who is still waiting on his armor and praying the goblins are armed elven made hammers.

[Musashi]

Dear Urist McBabypopper and Urist McHusband,

my letter wasn't an incentive to give birth to yet another baby.
Let me spell that out for you then.
FUCK YOU.
No, not fuck you.
Go jump in a magma pool.
There.

Your Overseer who would like to get useful migrants again, not skillless, defenseless babies