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[Samuel]

Dear Urist McPsychopath,

Dude, just... holy shit. I know he was elf, but... holy shit.

Ahem. Let me clarify. You were selected as my new militia commander- the only member of the military needed, as I was only sending you to kill elf merchants- because our previous militia commander was brutally injured by a kobold. You killed the first merchant perfectly, a single blow with your silver sword which tore apart his brain. The next one... well...

you tore apart his left lung, his liver, his right kidney, and his spleen. You also spilled his guts and tore numerous muscles in his torso and limbs. And you broke a whole bunch of his bones, too. Are you okay, Urist? do you need to talk to somebody about your anger sometime? I'm sure we could get you a therapist or something. Not me, though. You scare the shit out of me.

Signed,
Your terrified, if impressed, Overseer.

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear Rimtar Kedushat, Queen of The Neutral Wooden Hanes,

Stop sending adept jewelers and great liar/dyers. We don't do anything involving jewels you beard-for-brained moron.

[Avarage]

Dear Urist McMilker,

Please stop using buckets to milk animals. I know buckets may seem more logical than barrels, and it may be quicker to fill a bucket than a barrel (lazy bastard), but you're wasting precious milk and you seem to refuse to want to use the buckets of milk for cheese production. If this does not cease and desist, you will be thrown outside into the tundra along with your four buckets of milk...

Sincerely,
The Omnipresent Force That Is About to Fill Your Room with Magma.
PS: Does anyone know how to make them stop using buckets for milking aside from forbidding/destroying all the buckets? There are plenty of barrels available.

[Zrk2]

you beard-for-brained moron.

You do know that that is every dwarf ever?

[Jacob/Lee]

you beard-for-brained moron.

You do know that that is every dwarf ever?

You'd be surprised, I've seen a few dwarves that can match atleast the intelligence of a monkey.

[MadBoat]

Dear Urist McSitechooser,

I suppose I am not as miffed as I could have been. I did not, thankfully, spend much time trying to rescue you and your 6 companions from the fate you clearly wanted. However, in case it is not obvious to you, a lake which literally opens up into the mouth of Hell is not a suitable place for a new settlement to extend the power and glory of the Mountianhomes. Please enjoy gargling demon mayonaise.

your Bugged Out Overseer

[Vorthon]

Dear Urist McSitechooser,

I suppose I am not as miffed as I could have been. I did not, thankfully, spend much time trying to rescue you and your 6 companions from the fate you clearly wanted. However, in case it is not obvious to you, a lake which literally opens up into the mouth of Hell is not a suitable place for a new settlement to extend the power and glory of the Mountianhomes. Please enjoy gargling demon mayonaise.

your Bugged Out Overseer

Holy Shit.

I want that save.

[CapnUrist]

To Urist McFisherdwarf Von Peasant

I'm quite disappointed with you so far, I must say. I pointed to the river over a year ago, when you and your six colleagues first arrived to settle this land, and said "Go get some fish for your friends."

Since then, two waves of migrants have arrived. Two of your colleagues have become accomplished planters and have up swimming in strawberries and prickle berries. A wood burner and another of your colleagues have both taken up the crossbow and learned its use, and are each bringing in a horse or groundhog once a week, at least.

You, however, have not caught a single god-damned thing. Whether you're trying to fish in the murky pools despite the river being designated as a fishing zone, or standing on the bridge, staring into the water, you have yet to pull one living thing out of the water since I've met you. I doubt you could catch a cold if I threw you into the river. You are the ONLY dwarf here who has remained a peasant. You are a disgrace, and once I figure out an appropriate chastisement that will not kill or cripple you outright, you will wish you had brought me a god-damned fish market.

[Corwyn]

To the family of Urist McCorpse,

  It pains me to report that upon investigation of this area I discovered a mighty Cyclops living in the nearby hills.  I immediately barred the area as restricted, as he seemed to be content with his large rats and naked moledog pets and/or future meals and we certainly cannot tackle a beast of his power with just a single steel battle axe and no armor in our favor.

  This comes about necessitating a letter to you, as your brother Urist McBonecrafter and Urist McCarpenter apparently decided that they love the smell of dead rats and went past the forbidden area, into the cave, and tried to take the Cyclops dinner. 

  In the accompanying boxes you'll find the paste that was your former family members after the cyclops stomped them flat in short order. 

  I don't know if you sent these poor souls to me because they needed training or if they had nowhere else to go.  But please, quit breeding if the rest of your family is this stupid.

~Administrator of BrokenBrook

[CapnUrist]

To the Rest of the Citizens of Lancescratches:

I know that the coming of spring is a wonderful thing, and deserves celebration. But when we are racing against the river thawing to get the bridges, the ones that will keep said river from flooding what will be your fortress, linked up to the control lever, throwing wild parties in the little shed I had you put up to keep the rain off and cougars away does not work toward getting the bridges linked. Especially when the one who throws the party is the mechanic.

This is the second year in a row I found myself wiping sweat off my brow mere days before the river resumed its flow. As exciting it is, stop throwing parties to celebrate the arrival of spring. It's not like we don't have food or something.

Signed,
Your Exasperated Coordinator.

P.S. Still waiting on those fish, Urist. YAH!

[Fien]

     To one Urist McPlantard

    Why aren't you planting? The new farm is plowed and ready for seeds, so go ahead and stick some in the ground. And just in case you were confused, the farm is across the hall from the dining room you refuse to leave.....trust me when I say that nothing is gonna grow in that place (except communistic tendencies and that pile for cat turds in the corner; why has no one cleaned that up yet? You dorfs enjoy the pleasant aroma or something?)

    The fact is Urist, I'm sick of your lazy ass. Do you know how unimportant you truly are? You are a god damned PLANTER. You put seeds in the dirt. Hell, you could just DROP them in the general area of the mud and something would grow. You could walk by with a hole in you seed pocket and OH SHIT PLANTS HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!

    So yeah, if you could get on that I can avoid the trouble of dropping you in the river.

The Unknowable Other

Edit: Now everyone is starving.......I WONDER WHO'S FAULT THAT IS? Your worthless ass is gonna be fishing for the rest of your days. And you will be using your bare hands.

SAY HI TO THE CARP FOR ME!

[mrbaggins]

Dear Rimtar Kedushat, Queen of The Neutral Wooden Hanes,

Stop sending adept jewelers and great liar/dyers. We don't do anything involving jewels you beard-for-brained moron.

Dear loyal subject,

Neither do we.

Your glorious and thoughtful leader,

Rimtar Kedushat, Queen of The Neutral Wooden Hanes,

[Qinetix]

Dear Urist McMiner , next time pull the lever or you are going to drown in lava or wroser in a FB contamined blood lake
From The unseen force that controls the fortress and orders you to dig adamantine

[Killabyte]

Dear Urist McMiner,

No, im not letting you down. You removed the stairs the wrong way and trapped yourself on the roof. So stay there. Make friends with the buzzards.

From
Killabyte, Grand Mechanic and Overseer

[Lielac]

Dear Urists McCrispyCorpses,

DODGE FOR THE STAIRS. NOT INTO THE HOLES. It's extremely irritating to clean blood off adamantine. I know magma is dangerous, but THINK A LITTLE.

No love,
Lielac, your overlady

Dear Urist McStrandExtractor,

Hurry it up a little, please? I want to have my military decked out some time before we all die of old age!

Some love,
Lielac, your overlady