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[Mantonio]

Dear Urist McMason, Expedition Leader

Congratulations. Not only did you refuse to talk with the diplomat until every single labour of yours was cancelled, but you immediately afterwards decided to go on break. Despite the fact that you are the mason, there is work to be done, and you have done very little.

The moment the secret police are ready, you're scheduled for a beating. Your beating ticket is '1'

- Administrator of The Communion

Dear Kobolds.

WHY. I HAVE NOTHING WORTH STEALING. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO OBSESSED WITH GETTING IN MY FORT.

GO SUCK A CAVE CRAWLER.

- Watch your back, morons

[Mr. Argent]

Dear Urist McMayor: Who the hell do you think you are? why do you think you need a PLATINUM THRONE?! I just about forgave you for all your previous ridiculous demands after your instrumental role in taking down that cyclops, too.

Besides, we have no platinum anyway. you'll have to make do with the halfassed stone throne i built to fulfill your incredibly retarded demands.

[ZachUSAman]

dear urist mchauler
Love how determined you are to hauling those items, but really, the forgotten beast in tunnel 7 is reason enough not to try and haul items.

[Terrahex]

dear logem,

I always liked you. you were one of the first military dwarves I've ever had. you killed a couple of those olm men way back. remember that?

Anyway, as the last member of your squad, I'd just like you to know that you could have saved all of your friends from those three goblin ambushes and also that one engraver guy. instead, you went out into the field and stood there like an idiot and didn't move an inch no matter how many times I told you to. as a result, those two goblins murdered that engraver then came after you. you could have taken them on one by one, but instead you stood there.

hope you like the spine injury,
Terrahex.

PS, the medics are just as lazy as you are.

[Drenake]

Dear Urist McHunter,

Please report to the meeting hall ASAP. Your lunch from two weeks ago is still lying on ground and your fellow dwarfs have started complaining about the odor and nobody dares to touch it.

I know you like to shoot every single wild creature with your very shinny crossbow, but, until you clean your mess, you are to remain inside and your crossbow will be confiscated.

If your stinky lunch is still there in 7 days, you will be confined in a cell given a room in the newest section of the fortress, until you starve to death.


Sincerly yours,
Your mighty mastermind

[alesia]

Dear Urist McEveryone,

Please put on your clothes.  This is not a nudist colony.  Please put the clothes you are NOT wearing in your cabinet.

You have all been idling for a season.  This means that you have had, and will continue to have, plenty of opportunities to put your goddamn mismatched socks away.    I am not your mother, and my idea of house cleaning involves magma.  You will not like it.

Sincerely,
The Management

PS. One of you lazy bastards needs to quit Attending Party and clean up the pool of alligator blood that's been sitting in the middle of the statue garden for two years.  Again, the alternative solution involves magma.

[Hivemind]

Urist McFloater,

It was a simple enough scheme; we had the cistern dug out beneath, fill from the brook on the other side of the fortress wall. Rather than using buckets, a few simple minutes in the workshop and I had you produce the components for a screwpump.

All I wanted was for you to set it in the doorway and pump until the room was full. You did so, and I thank you. After draining, I have a massive underground farm without the wait associated with buckets. However, when I had you dismantle it to allow draining and to move it to fill our "Intruder B-Gone Flush System", you stood there. In front of the hole the water had been pulled from. The hole leading to the cistern serving as our defense and our emergency hydration. You stood there while the water pushed past you, and I breathed a sigh of relief when you weren't pushed in.

And then you fucking jumped in once the water was gone. What the fuck.

You jumped in, drowned, and sat bobbing in the opening of the cistern.

If you were still alive I'd feed you to the GCS we've since tamed. Instead, since your wife was verging on a tantrum, I sent her for bait. She ran pretty fast, despite "CORPULENT" being written into her description.

Sincerely,
The Director

[youdont12know]

Dear Urist McMason,

I would like to thank you for placing that second floodgate. You have saved our fortress from flooding after i had to dig that secondary tunnel to let Urist McHauler out. You, however, went and locked yourself up inside the irrigation system again. This was my fault, and i should have forseen this. I have thus made for you an escape stairway. Would you pleas go down with it so i can close up this tunnel and start our farm? a buzzard has stolen all our food.

sincerely,
God.

[Horizon9]

Dear UristMcHunter,

We appreciate your attempts at hunting the local wildlife to add to our foodstores, but please, for the sake of the workers, aim for the critical parts.
Both goats escaped with multiple bolts lodged in their bodies because you couldn't kill them before they escaped.
We know you're trying, but please, try harder.

Your understanding manager.

[Hivemind]

Dear Urist McSober,

Thanks for the answer to my riddle;
Q: What do you get when dwarves tantrum due to sobriety?
A: REDRUM.

Signed,
THE DIRECTOR

[Soapalope]

Dear Urist McBroker,

You have very nice clothes ideas small icon, but selling all our items to buy cheese is not a good idea.

Sincerely,

One very angry bar of soap.

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear Military of SlingChained,

You are all brave fighters, but losing 8 of your multi-legendary goblin grinding machines to a demon made of salt is not a good example. You will not be buried because you all died to a demon made of vomit.

Sincerely,
The nearly dead fortress.

[Samuel]

Dear Military of SlingChained,

You are all brave fighters, but losing 8 of your multi-legendary goblin grinding machines to a demon made of salt is not a good example. You will not be buried because you all died to a demon made of vomit.

Sincerely,
The nearly dead fortress.

To be fair, would you want to attack a living pile of vomit?

[Silent_Thunder]

Dear Mayor/Sheirff of MournfulDirge;
While I understand that the death of your wife can be quite heartbreaking, I am somewhat puzzled to why. After all you murdered her by BITING a chunk out of her leg after she violated an export mandate. While I'm sure the fine dwarves of MourlnfulDirge knew what they were doing during the election, I fear that running nude through the fortress speaking elfish backwards may cause issues to morale. Because of this, you may have noticed that the fortress seems to be abandoned. That may be because of that slight warmth you feel approaching you. Lets see how well those chalk boots protect you.
Love; The Overseer.

I swear he had a chalk fetish, which wouldnt be that bad had he not, for 3 straight years, banned the export of chalk, AKA my entire industry.

[iyaerP]

Dear Urist McQueen

While it is a very sad thing to lose a baby to goblin snatchers, it is your own fault for not being inside your designated burrow. That burrow exists specifically to protect children and nobles from goblins, and it is your own fault for leaving. While we sympathise with your plight and you have our condolances, please remember that you are really just one more plaything for our amusement and ultimately, just as expendanble as your offspring.

Sincerliy, The dark god that controls your lives.


Dear Ugnot McPedoGoblin

Congradulations on sneaking past 4 masons, 5 woodcutters, 3 herbalists and a war alligator. Your sneakyness is commendable. However, I must question the wisdon of stealing the infant of the fortress's queen rather than the one that was abandoned when his mother died of thirst out by the map edge you came in from. Would it not have been easier to steal the lone baby trying to commit suicide by exposure? In addition, I must also call into question the wisdom of STABBING IN THE HEART THE BABY YOU ARE TRYING TO STEAL. It strikes me as a poorly thought out move with no long term benefits. Unless you plan on baby stew or something. In which case, there are easier alternatives. See: Emo baby at map edge. In any event, this shall not be a problem for long as Claspedchurches' best marathon running murder-machines are rapidly gaining ground on you, and you have no prayer against their adamantine gear and artifact weapons.

Wishing you the best before your horrible death,
The Fortress Management.

Dear Dodak McSpeardorf, Legendary Stabmiester,

I wanted to take the time to thank you for your efforts in the apprehension of the goblin pedophile that murdered and stole the queen's baby. Most impressive was your sprint from the barracks and I am most pleased that you ran down the goblin in question despite him having a headstart almost half the length of the map. Well done. Especially I wanted to thank you for not dispatching him in your usual 1-stab-1-kill policy and rather taking the time to slowly and excruciatingly torture him to death. Watching him suffer for 15 pages of combat reports was most heartening, especially after the tragedies he inflicted upon our queen. You have the thanks of the queen, the fortress, and most especially, of me.

With regards,
The dark god that controls your lives.