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[Korva]

Dear Vabok (High Master Lye Maker, Adequate Woodcutter, Dabbling Conversationalist, Legendary Meatshield):

Your tomb is ready. It has a statue of your god, engraved walls, and a small stockpile of specially commissioned lye to honor the trade you dedicated your life to and never got to pursue in our fort. Just die already. Really, it's OK. You have already done more than anyone expected. You are a true dwarf and everyone owes you.

That said: if you survive, you are so getting promoted. Militia commander or captain of the guard, depending on how much the doctors can fix you.  Either way, you're getting a lovely apartment of your own and no more hauling for the rest of your days. So, you know, keep swinging that shoe.

The Overseer

How did this end? Poor brave dwarf. I cannot imagine her surviving several infections, but it'd be incredibly awesome if she did.

[Urist McTaverish]

General Notification to all Urists From Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows:
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated.  effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child.  All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena.  We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.

Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows

[Zrk2]

General Notification to all Urists From Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows:
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated.  effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child.  All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena.  We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.

Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows

War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.

HAIL BIG BROTHER URIST!!!

[UristMcDwarf]

Dear GroundHog;

We are hungry, and when you have 17 bolts in your head, I think it's time to accept fate.

Love, dorfs.

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear all Urists of Helmwaxed,

You've all been loyal to me, through the drought, the famine, the migrant overflow, the wild animal attacks, the floods, hell, even the drowning incidents. You know how to survive, I'll give you that, you magnificant bastards.

But going to party for a whole year while UristMcMiner, who was hurt digging the cistern so we could have water, was dying of thirst in unacceptable. "But boss, there's no buckets!" is not a good answer. We have a whole dozen of empty buckets RIGHT THERE Urists! "I wash dunk, bawsh" is not a good answer either (you should work on your acting, too), you are ALWAYS drunk you stupid beards on legs. I will see that each and every one of you suffocates on the miasma generated by Urist's ROTTING CORPSE.

[Namfuak]

Dear Urist McHero,
You are the definition of why you shouldn't be a hero.  There was a whole legion of goblin bowmen on the other side of the bridge, the one that spans over a volcano.  That they HAVE to use to get into our fortress.  I told you to go behind a corner in the hallway to protect yourself from their arrows while they run on the bridge so UristMcDoesn'tHaveAJob can pull the lever to raise the bridge and send them all to their doom.  Instead, you decided to charge on ahead, across the bridge.  I'm sure you were very confused when I very intentionally didn't send the rest of your squad to help you and let you die.  By the way, thanks for taking down 3 or 4 of those goblins while you were in a martial trance.  Want to know something interesting?  If you had stayed with your squad, you probably would have killed many more, and more importantly, NOT DIED. 

Dear Military,
How in the hell did a goblin elite bowman manage to evade attacks from 5 of you at once, headshot one and take limbs off a few others while running, and still hurt you as you stood around him in a corner poking at him?  Seriously, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, this is exactly why I train you to be good fighters and dodgers.

[iyaerP]

Dear Urist McHero,
You are the definition of why you shouldn't be a hero.  There was a whole legion of goblin bowmen on the other side of the bridge, the one that spans over a volcano.  That they HAVE to use to get into our fortress.  I told you to go behind a corner in the hallway to protect yourself from their arrows while they run on the bridge so UristMcDoesn'tHaveAJob can pull the lever to raise the bridge and send them all to their doom.  Instead, you decided to charge on ahead, across the bridge.  I'm sure you were very confused when I very intentionally didn't send the rest of your squad to help you and let you die.  By the way, thanks for taking down 3 or 4 of those goblins while you were in a martial trance.  Want to know something interesting?  If you had stayed with your squad, you probably would have killed many more, and more importantly, NOT DIED. 

Dear Military,
How in the hell did a goblin elite bowman manage to evade attacks from 5 of you at once, headshot one and take limbs off a few others while running, and still hurt you as you stood around him in a corner poking at him?  Seriously, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, this is exactly why I train you to be good fighters and dodgers.

Your entire squad only had one brain which they collectively shared. Unfortunately for you, your dorf who charged across the bridge took it with him when he did so and it enabled him to go into a martial trance. However, with him, the squad's collective brain died and so too did their combat ability.

[riznar]

Your entire squad only had one brain which they collectively shared. Unfortunately for you, your dorf who charged across the bridge took it with him when he did so and it enabled him to go into a martial trance. However, with him, the squad's collective brain died and so too did their combat ability.

Rare is it that I get to reference Give Me The Brain

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Zrk2]

What is that? Link please.

[riznar]

http://www.legendgames.org/acatalog/1311_Cheapass_Games_-_Give_me_the_Brain_-_deluxe_full_colour_card_game.html

[Flaede]

Oh. Man. Is cheapass still around? I thought that company folded!

[Shardok]

Dearest Urist McFrosty,

Please refrain from just placing your wagon anywhere in the future. Notable places where wagons should not be placed include: On ice, on rivers, on magma, at the highest possible point on the map, directly next to the elephant camp, or any other area that I deem unsuitable at the time of the wagon being placed.

Thank you for your time, and may you and all the other Dwarves die thanks to your idiocy.

[Rowanas]

General Notification to all Urists From Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows:
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated.  effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child.  All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena.  We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.

Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows

War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.

HAIL BIG BROTHER URIST!!!

Actually, it's a Paranoia reference, not a 1984 reference.

Oh. Man. Is cheapass still around? I thought that company folded!

Yeah, they're still around, but they're not so cheapass anymore.

Y'know, with a Paranoia reference and someone excited about CA games, I'm beginning to think there may be gamers of the student variety lurking on the forums.

[Urist McScoopbeard]

notice to all residents of Nosingkadol,

            I understand your hatred towards kobolds but please in future circumstances try not to suffocate yourselves while attempting catch said kobolds.


                                   , your overseer
                                            Urist McScoopbeard

[Samuel]

Dear Mayor,
You have my personal assurance that nobody is going to try to sell chains. It will never happen.

Mostly because everybody but you is too dead to trade anything.

Anyway, if you're still alive by the time some migrants arrive, I'll tell them not to trade any chains. You're probably going to ultimately die of infection if they arrive in time to give you water though, so I'll probably have your corpse kicked into the volcano and then trade a bunch of chains just to spite you.

Sincerely,
Your Overseer