Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Urist Imiknorris]

Dear Urist McAnimaltrainer,

<hopy shit>

Enjoy your promotion, Urist McBadass.

Awesome.

[Xzalander]

To The Dwarves of Luslemcatten (Puzzling Channels),

You are hereby cordially invited to the End of Year Celebratory Awards!

After a single year many commendations have to be made so as your benefactor I have decided to host a Show.

The Bi-Annual Fame Awards; Programme Sheet Below

The Bi-Annual Fame Awards are to the last for the duration of the Whitefalls. Assuming all work has been completed regarding food, drink and security you will all be permitted to party without work until Springrise.

At the awards the following Titles will be endowed upon notable persons. If your name is listed it is imperative you attend, make yourself available and remain alive until the end of the awards. Failure to comply will result in Hammering and your name being placed in the Hall of Grudges.

FreeMason Award: Urist McMason: Awarded; Gem Encrusted TombHall for himself and his progeny.
McMason has to date massproduced over 4000 wall units, 400 Phylacteries (Coffins) and 600 Tombstones (Slabs). 300 Phylacteries were to Masterwork quality and 450 Tombstones were to Masterwork Quality.

BigMac Award: Urist McBigmac: Awarded; A New Engraved Kitchen with Masterwork cut Windows and a Orthiclase Artifact Mill.
McBigmac to date has produced over 1,000 Prepared meals over 300 of them Legendary quality. he was primarily awarded this award for showing the audacity to cook the blood of a Oil Forgotten Beast into the last batch of pies.

Green Thumb Award: UristMcPlumphelmet: Awarded; The promise of the first set of Adamantine Armour, or if after his death burial with a Adamantine Sword.
McPlumpHelmet was awarded as such because he kept the fort in food of various types, in cloth and rope through everything as the sole living farmer. He even continued to farm the Strawberries and wheat in the semi protected open air farms during a siege.

Wethead Award: Urist McMiner: Awarded; 4 Statues and an artifact bed and Legendary status.
McMiner has been the only miner to date to break wetwalls. All other miners were conveniently busy when it was required, even Legendary McMiner Sr. For this we commend you for even managing to swim through the 4/7 torrents to survive to repeat this action for a total of 7 times.

And finally...

The Hammering Award: Urist McTrapper: Awarded; A Noble Hammering
McTrapper you are hereby sentenced to a Noble Winter before being hammered and dropped into the Qargle pit. You are the only trapper who manages to consume his entire supply of bolts, scream for more before tantruming and kicking over four barrels of ale before setting it alight.
As you should know the burning of any Dwarven Wine, Ale or Spirits is a punishable offence. The only reason we are offering you a Noble Winter before Hammering is that it coincided with repelling a Siege invasion through our Farms.

That is all.

[TolyK]

hell yeah!

especially the last one 

[Unforgiven]

Dear Migrants,

Who the hell said you can go near my fort?

I truly hope you understand what I am talking about - so you can stop coming without being invited.

[tolkafox]

Dear Urist McHammerdwarf

I would just like to start that this was a hard year, and the large influx of migrants has put a strain on our food supplies. However, as you already know, we have no more wood to use and are short on barrels and booze. I was really relying on this years caravan of booze and barrels to assist us in our time of need, and in conjunction was relying on our military to protect our caravan so that we may trade. I understand that a dwarf needs to eat, sleep, drink, and occasionally take breaks; but was it really necessary to haul all of the coke to the stockpiles when I needed 10 steel helmets made?

The scouts have just returned, and I'm afraid the caravan camel that didn't get away had no useful items with it. With no supplies and most of our military beheaded, I'm afraid we'll have to return to the mountainhome. Majority consensus, however, has ordered you to be buried with the dead and copper instruments. The guard carrying this letter will escort you to your tomb.

Sincerely,
Overseer

[Rhaken]

Dear Urist McCount,

It has come to our attention that you have complained of the lack of tables recently. Truth be told, you are, indeed, correct: we have not yet set up enough tables for all of the fort's population to eat at. We are remedying this as we write this.

However, it has also come to our attention that, in your most recent string of tantrums, you have resorted to venting your frustrations on the dining hall tables, destroying a number of them. We are unsure of what you are trying to accomplish here, but rest assured we will not tolerate further manipulation of production flow. Should you wreck even one more table, we may find ourselves forced to lock you in your rooms with your new pet skeletal elephant.

Signed,
The Administration

[thunderclan]

To the Metalworkers,

I ordered that pile of poor quality metal furniture melted down a year ago and you still haven't done it. Yes, I understand that there are only 2 of you but that is no excuse to leave furniture made of precious (and much needed) metals alone while you melt your way through the ever growing pile of armor brought by our Undead enemies. I need that stockpile space so get to it!

Sincerely, your irritated Leader

Shot by bolt at the invaders:
To the Undead of Adi Vit,

Welcome, we can always use more bones to decorate our halls with. Your soldiers always prove a welcome challenge...even if the only challenge is finding them all. You'll be happy to know that many of your number have survived and are merely waiting for us to decide how best to release them. We hope some of you may join them but if not then we'll happily tear you to bony shreds.

Ps, Ignore the fully armed and armored Dwarf running at you. That's Derek, he is simply going to welcome you and let you go on your merry way...in pieces...to the bone stockpiles. Hope you'll visit Flamebanner again soon!

Sincerely, the Managment

[Redukt]

Dear Axedolts:

Do you hear that sound? That horrible highpitched season-long scream? That is the sound of Vabok the Lye Maker fighting an ettin. You know, the ettin I told you to kill a couple of months ago? Two heads, halitosis, taste for dwarven blood? That one.

Understand that Vabok did everything right. She even ran towards the fortress, which in my experience is a sure sign of extraordinary intelligence - genius, even - the kind of brilliance you meatheads can only have booze-fueled reveries about. Unfortunately she was tackled and crippled before reaching the gates, and now she is incapable of standing up. She did not, however, surrender, and as of today she has been hitting the monster with her shoe for two months straight. Did I mention she's dehydrated, starving, has several infected wounds, and is still very happy? Did I mention you guys have been standing around the well, chortling and drinking, for I don't know how long? Look, I realize that socializing is important, but come on. The ettin must have gone insane by now, since Vabok just won't die. I'm sure you can just saunter up to it and chop its heads off without it even noticing you.

What's that? Oh thank Armok, two of you are finally moving! Now to pick up your weapons, and...

Oh, I see. You want to drink in the stockpile instead. How original. I bet you think you're slumming or something, and that this makes you cool. No, go on, show your axe to Urist McHauler, I'm sure he'll be impressed. "Shiny, eh? I call her Brunhilde. Yeah, I've chopped up hundred, hundred and fifty training spears with this worthless piece of scrap metal... haw haw haw, just joshing ya Brunhilde, you know I love you. Seriously though, Urist... down to earth types like you might call me crazy, but I would never sully her with blood, not in a million years..." *trails off, staring into space* "...why are you still here, Urist? Surely YOU have WORK to do..."

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and call you crazy. That's because you are. And to think I drafted you guys to slaughter, among other things, elves. What a joke. YOU were the elves. You were the elves all along.

The Overseer


Dear Vabok (High Master Lye Maker, Adequate Woodcutter, Dabbling Conversationalist, Legendary Meatshield):

Your tomb is ready. It has a statue of your god, engraved walls, and a small stockpile of specially commissioned lye to honor the trade you dedicated your life to and never got to pursue in our fort. Just die already. Really, it's OK. You have already done more than anyone expected. You are a true dwarf and everyone owes you.

That said: if you survive, you are so getting promoted. Militia commander or captain of the guard, depending on how much the doctors can fix you.  Either way, you're getting a lovely apartment of your own and no more hauling for the rest of your days. So, you know, keep swinging that shoe.

The Overseer

[Ze Spy]

To urist mcfuckingannoyingduke

First , you just had to demand a window in your room While we were Four hundred thousand miles away from a Sand tile , Second , You demanded that we make some adamantine armor for you while that adamantine is 500z levels deep , third , you disallowed the trading of Crafts , which is all we have , Fourth , you Sentenced our Last remaining Founder Partach , Which is a Bookkeeper and has no connections to the forge , to a Hammering

Also , i have a Massive Treasure in Partach's Personal Tower , please stand on the Drawbridge on that tower to claim your Treasure

-That Cheating Assclown that's controling all of you

[Namfuak]

Dear Urist McMason 1,
Without thinking, I designated a five-by-five square of floor over the volcano that was supported (and meant to be built from) the left, and later designated a bridge to be built on the other side.  When that bridge was built, you had the bright idea of trying to start building from its side, and subsequently the first floor you built fell into the magma sea.  Normally I would chuckle heartily at this and redesignate so it didn't happen again, but apparently a piece of floor tile a few feet away from you falling was enough to drag you down with it.  Thanks for exploring the magma sea for me, you useless sot. 

Dear Urist McMason 2,
You were working in the same area as Urist McMason 1, but luckily didn't fall, and to my pleasure were doing your job correctly.  So, I heartily apologize for designating that bridge to be dismantled when it was the only support to the other bridge.  As such, you fell into the magma sea closely behind your mason brother.  In my defense, had you dismantled it from the other side or finished the 5x5 square the other guy was working on first, this wouldn't have happened, but I should have had the foresight to check for such problems as these. 

Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader/Hammerdwarf,
I understand that it is heartbreaking to lose your friend Urist McMason 1, on top of the fact that we have been sleeping on the floor up until now, but for the love of Armok, did you have to start hitting your fellow militia member Urist McWrestler?  He's dead Urist McExpeditionLeader/Hammerdwarf, and you killed him.  And apparently it made you feel good to get into a "fist fight."  Also, while you were tantruming, you apparently held a very nice meeting with the liaison.  Why didn't you beat him up instead?  I would have been OK with that, since we stole took as a donation the rest of their stuff anyway.

OOC:  Seriously, he had the tag "Throwing a Tantrum" and was conducting the meeting, apparently running around throwing things all the while.  The dialogue boxes came up, and I was perfectly able to tell the liaison to bring as many flux stones as they've got.

[Olith McHuman]

Dear Military:

At the end of every season I station you inside our front doors to surprise anything that may be trying to sneak into our fort. In this you have performed well. However, since you are stationed, like, two or three tiles away from our outermost doors, you may at times notice a slight scratching sound. You may at times notice an ever so slight booming noise. At times, this is accompanied by the mentioned doors shuddering eveeeer so slightly. For future reference, this means that AN OGRE IS BREAKING DOWN OUR FRONT DOORS. Next time, I expect you to kill said ogre before it destroys yet another masterwork steel door.

[Ze Spy]

Dear everyone-in-this-god-forsaken-fort-excluding-Partach-and-Realism

Our supplies are running low and the Goblin hordes are Ramming down the front door , And our Millitary Are getting slaughtered , so i am afraid that i'll have to grab the supplies and Get the hell out with our two Best Human-Dwarven Cross-breeds and Leave all of you for dead and at the mercy of the goblins and buried under the fortress's Remains , Rest in disturbance , All ya assclowns

-The invisible guy Controling everyone and had just recently Gained a Physical form

[Johnfalcon99977]

Dear Urist McMason

I realize you are on break, the thing is, you have been on break for a whole month. However, the main problem is that you have been tasked with creating an easier way down the mountain because we have started on a clift face. You have worked to your full proformance for many levels down, and you need only 2 more sets of stairs before the miners take over the job. Untill we finish this task, we will have to deal with the greatly dangerous climb down, taking hours, sometimes even days, to get up and down. This is a problem because we are running out of booze and the only way to make more is farming, but that long climb will delay things to a halt. If we run out of booze, I will promise you will die in the magma flood first.

From
Management

[Ze Spy]

To urist Mcnoble

Shut your demands you one-eyed, stone lobbin', cactus eatin', pot-bellied-punk, bloody, fat, jigglin', whoppin', big, backstabbin', lard-armed, creepy, spastic little, bloody, blind eyed, precious little, twitchy, pickle-headed, Bed hoppin', pod, potato hoppin', phony, two-faced, filthy, mutant bastard

-Your demigod

[iyaerP]

Dear Urist McSwordsdorf

I was greatly entertained saddened to hear of the loss of your beloved swarm of six pet cats in the barracks lately. As you may be aware however, the barracks has been recently upgraded to a "danger" room consisting of a series of repeating training spear spikes, and as such, was clearly marked off limits to both civilian and pet traffic for safety reasons. Since you chose to ignore these restrictions and bring your pets past TWO seperate pet-proof-doors, I cannot help but feel that you are directly responsible for their deaths, and would like to inform you that any attempts to reconcile your loss by causing grevious harm to the members of this fortress or its property will not be tollerated.

As such, I have assigned you to train under Meng Glinteye, the Fungi of Attacks, our legendary one-dwarf-siege-breaker and his artifact adamantine battle-axe. Any concerns you have coping with the loss of your beloved pets should be directed to him, and he will see to your.... safety in this time of grief for you.

Also, you have temporarily been given housing in the queen's chambers in hopes of improving your sanity and mood.

With regards,

The management of Fortress Claspedchurches.