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[jaked122]

Dear Dwarves,
good job, all I can ask of you guys now is that you guys don't try to kill yourselves by getting stuck on the wrong side of the floodgate. Your thirst for booze is admirable, and the ability that you possess to recover from emotional pain.

[Fisher-Risen]

Dear Captain of the Guard,

It has come to my attention that there may be a problem with the way you enforce the justice of this home. While a righteous zeal is always appreciated, there is such a thing as too much force. In particular, complaints have reached our ears where your fellow dwarves claim that you have: (1) Chained prisoners together and watched them fight to the death (2) Executed unconcious dwarves in the hospital (3) Sentenced dwarves to years in prison for minor offenses like taking off their shirt, and (4) totally annihilated an entire fortress stuck in a tantrum spiral, leaving only yourself and your militia intact.

Signed with my dying breath, your mayor

This is from way bak, but it seems like a dream come true! No more coma dwarves in the hospital! No nudists who get infected because they don't wear clothes! Prisoner fights!! Totally a "Wait for migrants and rebuild" moment.

[billybobfred]

Dear Urist McGarbageman,

Okay. Look. The meat industry works like so:

• McHunter kills an animal, say, a mountain goat, and brings the carcass to the butcher shop.
• McButcher butchers the carcass, producing meat, bones, fat, hide, and chunks.
• You take the chunks and throw them away.

Your part comes only after McButcher's, and even then you only ever touch the chunks. I understand you want to participate, but we actually intend to use most of the animal. If we didn't, I would have assigned McHunter to engraving. Speaking of which, you now have a new job. Cheers.

[Crashmaster]

Dear Urist McJanitor

While I realize my anger at your lack of initiative regarding the mopping up of the countless pools of blood and pus surrounding the waterfall may have seemed harsh. I see right through your rebellious act of cleaning every last pile of mud from every farm plot in the fort mainly due to the fact that you left each non-farm plot tile in these very same rooms as muddy as it was.

[schussel]

Dear Mr UninvitedGuest aka Minotaurman  ..

despite you spawning right next to the open fort entrance and a hot dwarfen tea + fresh kitten meat next to our warming cage traps you decide to roam the whole map to beat up any other bait animals then the 10 step away  kitten ... thanks alot .. our dwarfes would like to have you acquainted in your new workfield (aka beat up prisoners) but now are confined to the fortress due to alert mode ...

please leave the poor elefant calf alone .. it wont die so easily (since you bashed it now for 3 months  .. you should have gotten the point) .. and please proceed towards fortress and cozy lodging

greetings Urist Mc Overseer and the rest

[Buckermann]

Dear Urist McNoble,
thank you for your continuing demands for aluminium items in your rooms. While we understand that the currently installed two dozen pieces of aluminium furniture are clearly inadequate for your refined tastes, we hope that until our four three metal worker are able to satisfy your demands, you continue to order beatings of said three two, clearly under-motivated worker.

Love and kisses,
The Management.
Ps: since the cold season will start in just 11 months, we have ordered the construction of some heating installation to your rooms.

----------

Dear Urist McNobleFutureWidow,
We regret to inform you that your future deceased husband will have a terrible and unavoidable accident (involving some new heating installation), as soon as the mentioned heating installation is finished. Please start now to gather your various off-springs to prepare for your inevitable tantrum. It would be nice if you could kill no less that two, and no more than five of them; we are running out of coffins.
We appreciate your continuing co-operation in our collective, impending tantrum spiral.

Sincerely,
The Management.

[Greiger]

Dear Tantrumer on a rope.

Yes you are angry.  It is perfectly understandable.  The last ambush resulted in some really unfortunate preventable deaths.  And you were tied up when you attacked one of the fortress guards (really great idea by the way).

But please stop attacking your pet dog.  The dog is somehow complaining to the guard each time you do it, and your sentence has escalated from 20 days tied to a rope to 84 days and a beating.

The fortress is already balanced on the razor's edge of a tantrum spiral, if you end up starving or getting beaten to death it is not going to help matters.

Sincerely
The administration (who is barricading his front door)

[EddyP]

Dear dwarves milling around the very important lever,

Pull the lever. No, just pull it. I don't care if Urist McKeen, who is several minutes away, has bagsied it. Just pull the damn lever.

[Greiger]

Dear Tantrumming miner.

Thanks, it's not like we don't have enough invalids taking up hospital space, you just HAD to go and cripple the farmer by taking your pick to his upper spine didn't you?

At least when you took his arm off with yer next swing he didn't feel it.


P.S.  To the rest of the fortress,

STOP TANTRUMMING!  It isn't helping!

Signed,
The administration (safe in his bunker)

[inteuniso]

Dear Dwarves,

In combat, dodging is an integral part of staying alive. This does not mean, however, to jump out of the way every time something swings at you. Especially if said combat is taking place on a staircase with an 18 z-level drop surrounding it.

Thank You,
The Administration

[twilightdusk]

Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,

I appreciate you and the other 10 migrants who came to help my fortress this summer. However, respectful as your fishing skill is, I question the wisdom of coming to a desert with fishing as your only marketable skill.

From, the Overseer.

---------------------------

Dear Engravers,

Yes, I realize that this site was settled for a few days in year 103 before it was abandoned, you do not need to engrave this event over every single wall in the fortress.

From, the Overseer.

[Samuel]

Dear Broker,
While I will cede that I probably should have made sure to cancel that Trader At Depot request, the fact that we murdered the merchants and stole their stuff might have tipped you off that we weren't in planning on any actual, legitimate trading. Now, mind you, that was in the beginning of summer. It is now mid autumn. Go get some sleep, Urist. You've earned it through sheer patience, if not intelligence.

Signed,
Your Concerned Overseer

[Deus Machina]

Dear Catten McMasonAndNanny.

You have given birth consistently, at a hurried pace. I believe you even had twins at one point. Congratulations.

This letter began as a plea to explore the various and delightful uses of the materials supplied by the resident rubber trees or, alternatively, the stairs.

On the other hand, the last time I designated a wall to be removed, you saw fit to bring along your entire squealing mob of children and instruct them, and I don't believe I've ever seen walls come down quite so quickly.

Perhaps they will prove worth their booze, after all.

-Your overseer, trying to decide on the proper term for a group of dwarves.

[Naes Draw]

A crew of dwarves?

[Deus Machina]

That's a good term. Crew, or mob, or gaggle.

Goblins would be a murder, like crows. Or, perhaps, a 'smear'.