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[Akura]

Dear UristMcVeryUnhappy,
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Confused, your grant overmind.

I guess he really doesn't like miasma.


EDIT rather than doublepost:
Dear Urist McFeyGlassmakermood,
  Stop demanding raw green glass. YOU took over the only glass furnace, and you are of very little value to the fortress. Alright, fine, we built a spare one now, but you're lucky our Chief of Medicine has nothing to do. ... How much are you going to need?! What could you possibly need three of them for? And magnetite isn't a rock.


Dear Urist McFeyGlassmakermood,
  A crown. Made of glass. With spikes of glass and limestone. Granted, you worked the image of a goblin kidnapper being torn apart by one of our swordsdwarves during The Attempted Abduction onto the spikes quite well. Although the graphic detail you put into makes me worry about you... Personally, I remember that goblin being either quickly beheaded or bisected fairly cleanly, not being exploded into an orgy of flesh, blood, and bone.
Signed,
A slightly bemused overseer.

[Musashi]

Dear Urist McDoctors,

this is seriously like the 3rd letter to you.
DIAGNOSE. THE. GODDAMN. PATIENTS.
FEED. THEM.
AND. GIVE. THEM. FUCKING. WATER.
NO ONE DIED OF AN INFECTION YET HERE. IT IS A COMPLETE ABERRATION IN A DWARVEN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. ALL OF YOUR PATIENTS THAT PASSED AWAY IN THE HOSPITAL DIED OF THIRST. THERE WERE MANY OF THEM.
I'm not sure I can completely blame you thought. First, because it was my fault for not disabling every single task except your job-relevant ones and assuming you'd possess the same sense of priorities that I have. Newbie's mistake I keep making because I forget every 5 minutes you bunch of suckers can only function while drunk. Secondly, because I was complaining about the huge amounts of migrants I'm getting, and you're actually kinda helping. Not that I hate migrants, not at all. Actually, the only thing I'm complaining about is that they have this strange tendency to be adequate at one useless skill, novice at two others, have leveled social ones, and be complete and unexpected waste of space, food, and unprogrammed-yet oxygen. In fact, most of them are skilled in the "liar" skill, which heavily leads me to believe they lied to whoever let them enter Windslap about their skills, which would make a lot of sense... wait, I'm disgressing again. So, any way I can get rid of them is welcome.
The real problem is that whatever job you're supposed to be doing, you're doing it wrong.
If you believe you are here to heal people, great, you manage to neglect them long enough for them to be dehydrated. I can't properly work on the water system and well in the hospital if all the workforce is dying, you know?
If you believe, however, that you are here to do something about the overpopulation, then you are terrible. The wounded take too long to die, and you really fail to make the deal impressive, because somehow, the guys who keep traveling here believe the hospital is not that much of a terrible place.

Take a decision quickly. I'm supervising this fortress because this is a Fun® break from reality. I'm not here to reenact the American healthcare system. You aren't supposed to behave like real surgeons.


No love,

Your Overseer who waits for the day one of you will be injured.

[Skid]

Dear leatherworking nobody,

When I embarked in the middle of this frozen lake I was expecting to be accompanied by mellow kinds of dwarves that would all get along fine.  Imagine my surprise when you show up and immediately take up a grudge with two others of my dwarves who you will be seeing every day for the entire summer while the lake is thawed and impassible.

I eagerly await your being dumped out an airlock.

--Your expedition leader

[iyaerP]

Dear Urist McCountess,

While we all appreciate the fact that you are one of those rare nobles who can bestir herself to actually take part in the work that forms the industry that this fortress lives on, the outpost liason is here. We would all appreciate it if you would stop hauling rocks for five minutes to have a nice chat with him. I am sure that the elf has plenty of relevant things to say about our clearcutting operations.

May I remind you that it is our friends the elves who provided us with the means to create BEARMAGEDDON, the ultimate in war-bear-based fortress defences by providing us with that first pair of breeding grizzlies? I would hate for their ambassador to go crazy and for them to declare war like the humans did when you refused to meet with their ambassador and he eventually threw himself into the spiked moat.

In the interests of all of us, especially the animal trainers who look forward to adding even more deadly animals to our meagerie of death, please stop your otherwise-commendable hauling and jewelcrafting to meet with the elves so we can arrange for more deadly beasts.

Sincerily, The voices in your head.


edit: OMFG I just realized that that isn't an elvish ambassador. It is the DWARVEN one.  From last fall.  I think I might just cry now.

[Mantonio]

Dear Urist McDoctor

SUTURE THOSE WOUNDS!

Goblins are attacking frequently, and I can't afford to have three soldiers in the hospital waiting for you to get off your lazy arse and do some doctoring!

God I wish I could hate you to death
-Administrator

[Internet Kraken]

edit: OMFG I just realized that that isn't an elvish ambassador. It is the DWARVEN one.  From last fall.  I think I might just cry now.

Before Townbrush fell, I had 2 dwarven ambassadors both trying to meet with my mayor. Both from separate years. She was to busy training to ever take the time to talk to them, despite literally standing a foot away from both of them for over a year.

[Terrahex]

No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa.  It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.

sigged

[Terrahex]

Dear Urist McScaredypants,

yes, I know there are groundhogs overthere, but that doesn't mean you should drop whatever you're doing and run away. they're harmless. furthermore, what's with all this releasing untrained animals when I tell you to bring them to the depot? If you are suicidal, please find a way to kill yourself without getting blood everywhere when you release that goblin. do you know that it will also kill other dwarves?

Sincerely,
Reallypissedoff

[Javarock]

Dear Urist McPetOwner

While im glad that you have a speicial bond with your animals, And others I suggest you leave them in your room, Instead of just leaveing them in the meeting room and the statue room, No I do not see a need for an animal to sit all day long forceing my hard at work dwarfs to crawl just to see statues... Or to have to eat on the ground in the meeting hall beacuse your horse decided to admire all of the twisted and screwyengraveings of elfs trolls and eagles, And various Creepy as hellcritters settleing down from a table.

I will give you a month before I decide to tether down your animal, To a steel pike.

Sincerly yours,
Unknown Forces

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Dear Urist McEngraver

While im glad that you enjoy and work faithfully in your line I must ask Why you feel the need to make pictures of elfs, Your imp god of fire, Eagles, Trolls, Ogres and what ever the hell creatures settleling down in the same reagon, I wish to ask WHY do you make these instead of dwarven victories, Or things of that nature, And on that note may I ask you why half way through a room you decide to stop and move to another or why you neglect the THREE TILES in a room that need to be ENGRAVED it would hardly take ANY of your time you waste sitting in the hall, I don't care if your enjoying talking to friends engrave the three tiles that stand out beacuse you engraved every thing around them
Sincerly yours,
Frusterated Expidition Leader.

[Mantonio]

- Rith Lolorngotol, Weaver and Ex-Speardwarf

I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!

COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!

Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.

Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse

- The Administrator

[Encased in burning magma]

- Rith Lolorngotol, Weaver and Ex-Speardwarf

I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!

COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!

Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.

Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse

- The Administrator

Cave-in him into the magma sea!

[Mantonio]

- Rith Lolorngotol, Weaver and Ex-Speardwarf

I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!

COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!

Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.

Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse

- The Administrator

Cave-in him into the magma sea!

Oh I would, but I haven't found any magma yet. (Actually, I'm ashamed to say I've never found any non-volcanic magma EVER!) I haven't even gotten around to making a serious mineshaft to Down Below. But I will soon though. Maybe.

[shadowform]

Dear Urist,

I couldn't help but notice that you're a forgotten beast.  Although I'm afraid you won't be terribly successful since you're an undulating blob of salt, I do thank you for at least bringing a shell to the fort.

[Zrk2]

?

[schussel]

?

Dear Urist McZrk2 ...

despite your valiant efforts we do not comprehend your message .. what is the specific detail of your anger with your dwarfes or what do you not understand in this very thread?

we do meanwhile enjoy your masterful crafted questionmark felling quite ecstatic

Cheers .. one of the faceless mob named community