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[Eugenitor]

Dear Everyone:

STOP BEING SO DAMN SCARED OF THE FORGOTTEN BEAST BEHIND THE FORTIFICATIONS. IT CAN'T HURT YOU FROM THERE.

Sincerely,

Your VERY FRUSTRATED overlord.

Can we have "No, seriously, DO IT ANYWAY" in this game yet?

[Drakeero]

Dear Everyone:

STOP BEING SO DAMN SCARED OF THE FORGOTTEN BEAST BEHIND THE FORTIFICATIONS. IT CAN'T HURT YOU FROM THERE.

Sincerely,

Your VERY FRUSTRATED overlord.

Can we have "No, seriously, DO IT ANYWAY" in this game yet?

You mean like telling them to mine through damp or warm stone after the alert?

[Eugenitor]

I mean more like "stop being interrupted by something that's not currently hurting you".

[JujuBubu]

Dear expedition leader and wagon driver,

I am well aware that you really like mountains.
I kept this in mind when I chose the embark site.
50z levels of mountain, including magma and flux stone, surrounded by flat land with lots of trees to cut.

Please explain to me why you dragged your equipment high up on said mountain, wrecking the wagon
on the way, so all of you could stand on a 2x2 peak.

I hope you enjoid the sight, now haul all that crap back down again,

sincerely,

your inner voice of reason 

[Spaghetti7]

Dear Urist McAxedwarf,

"Because you felt like it" is not a valid excuse for killing all wildlife around the fortress and smearing everything in blood.
We have also had numerous complaints about the quality and length of your working hours. Please meet me in the dungeons.

Yours sincerely,
Hammerer.

[Vorthon]

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith,

While I must congratulate you on creating an artifact weapon, I would have preferred it if you had created a warhammer instead of a mace. I know it may seem rather arrogant of me, but seeing as the only decoration on the thing was a depiction of the deity of dance, it would have been more thematically appropriate if you had created a warhammer. Anyways, once we get an isolation chamber built, you can spend the rest of your days producing weapons for the glory of the fortress. Don't worry, we'll remember to drop you some food and booze every once in a while...

Signed, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.


(I wanted it to be a warhammer so I could create a squad called 'hammertime' led by a hammerdwarf wielding it. I'll upload a pic when I get the chance.)

[Lord Vetinari]

Dear Urist McMayor,
     You've been a good mayor and a good broker for the past five years. Hard worker, always on duty, a weird passion for hatch covers which makes you a good and easily satisfied noble, unlike your annoying predecessors.
So, why the hell did you decide to get laid and have a whole row of breaks, parties, sleep days and long drinks exactly in the only month that you were required to be diligent, that is, when that the mountainhome liason came to promote you to Baron?

Sincerely,
    your once benevolent dictator.

[Greiger]

Melee Military of FortressCastle

That was some pretty spectacular failure there.  Yes you are outfitted in iron.  But it is all ☼ and ≡ iron.  Maybe you don't know what that means, but it means it's good shit.  We were fortunately blessed with both high level weapon and armorsmith migrants.

There was no reason for us to lose 9 out of 20 of you in an open field fight against 15 sword and axe goblins in no quality iron.  One of the goblins got a title for Armok's sake.  And it wasn't even an elite!  You should be glad that the markssquad came to bail your tails out of the fire and broke the ambush.

Yes I said ambush.  That wasn't even a real siege, think about that.

P.S. You are exempt from the above Vhisj Gleefulbanks.  You performed above and beyond the call of duty by holding out alone against 7 of the invaders by yourself saving the rest of your incompetent squad as well as the lancer squad until the marksquad rained death upon he enemy, you performed excellently.  Despite your short and thin and generally non intimidating size you not only held out alone and didn't get a scratch, you even wounded a number of them.  Your profile says you have leadership skills and constantly strive for excellence.  Congratulations on your promotion to Militia Captain.  May you perform better than your late predecessor.

Sincerely,
The Administration.

[Spaghetti7]

Dear Urist McCatlover,

I apoligize for impaling your kitten in my spikes, but it was neccesary for the wellbeing of the fortress.
Look, there's no need to get all sad about it, it was only a month old and you hardly knew it.
DON'T YOU DARE have a tantrum on me.

Yours annoyed,

The Overseer.

P.S. Come on, we seriously wounded an elf trader and his horse. Surely that makes it worth it?

[Falc]

Mr. Urist McLeverPuller,

Management is aware that we asked you to pull that lever without specifying what exactly would happen.

We do feel, however, that even under these extremely confusing circumstances, it was very very silly of you to cross the bridge that was right next to the lever.

You remember the bridge, the one that disappeared from under your feet?

Be glad it was a retracting bridge and that you only fell one z-level. Consider this your one and only warning.

[Musashi]

Dear Urist McMoody, Urist McFey, Urist McHermit, and all your friends,

try making an artifact that is useful for once. I mean, something I can at least use in some way. Stop making earrings and other miscellaneous jewelery. Oh, I guess this splint is somewhat useful, but frankly, the only dorfs who'd even remotely needed something like that were both paraplegic. Try making something I can at least pretend I can interact with. I dunno, a chair, a statue, a bed, anything but goddamned accessories. You'd made two bone weapons the first times! And then you managed to make a leather shield, but honestly, it will never be as good as the metal shields I already have. Why did you stop creating weapons and started making perfect gems and shit? Building a sort of semi-legendary well to find some use for that chain was only acceptable because the 2 year-old kid made it.
No love,

the Overseer who won't otherwise risk letting anyone go berserk and ruin the pseudo-perfect harmony of the fortress

[Ragingpantsless]

Dear Urist McImmasacrificestuff,

Please stop going outside to go up to the volcano. I've intentionally sealed it in so you can only get to the top by going through the fortress. And dragging the cage makes your mistake all the more noticable, because you have to walk back down the mountain dragging it behind you.

Now do it right before I get creative.

Signed,
Overseer McNopants.

[Adn88]

Dear Urist McImThirsty!,
  How do you die of thirst whilst drinking!

[Greiger]

To The fortress animal caretaker.

You see those 130 horses, cows and chocobo in the room with you?  They are your job.  I'm sure you are aware of this, you have been locked in with them for a year.

Your only duty in this entire fortress is to occasionally butcher a few and throw the tasty bits down the chute,  You can even keep some for yourself.  We prepped the area with a nice bedroom and dining room, a butchers shop, access to the main garbage chute to the magma sea, and a stone statue of the god of writing looking confused (yea I don't know either, ask the mason).   You are actually a bit better off than the average resident.  Everyone else has to use the communal dining room and dorms.

So why did you butcher 3 animals as ordered, but instead of sorting out the meaty bits, decide to go on break?  That miasma cloud you are complaining about is your own damn fault.

The Administration.

[Olith McHuman]

Dear Children of the Fort:

Please do not stand on top of your parents while they are trying to work.

Management

ps. Cats, this goes for you too.