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[Musashi]

Dear ex-Mayor,

thanks for standing still outside while another wave of goblins invaded us. Saved me the trouble of digging the last channels to what is now your successor's office. After all, you did deserve that proper burial for distracting the enemy while I was setting up the last stuff, and getting yourself killed fast enough. See you in hell, bitch. Or not.

Your slightly happier overseer

[Drakeero]

New policy change at fort Perplexedrooms.

Going out past the drawbridge into the wilderness to stand looking over the cliff for days on end will not be tolerated.  Two of you have been guilty of this and I am surprised the hordes of skeletons and zombies have not yet ripped them to shreds.  However, they are lurking out their and remain a threat.  As such, anyone found wandering outside without a job will be temporarily assigned a burrow to report to IMMEDIATELY.  Failure to comply will result in your sorry asses be left outside the protective moat to fend for yourselves even if you are legendary in something useful.  You will just have to wait for a caravan or a useful immigrant wave.

That is all.


[btw, anyone know why a dwarf would simply run off from hauling, cross over a raising bridge, run up a nearby ledge, and stand on the edge staring at the chain of haulers as they run back and forth?  He wasn't "on break" he just had "no job" for a really long time.  I closed the bridge on him and he still didn't move.]

[Namfuak]

Dear Urists McMilitaryDwarves,
As hilarious as the company name "The Praised Busts" is, I feel that it should probably changed to something more masculine.  Possibly "The Praised Balls?"

Your overlord,
Urist McNamfuak

[plarf]

Dear dwarf, please stop killing the castle cats and making flutes out of them.

[ImaDwarf]

Dear people at the Mountainhome,

   Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.

Signed,

The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.

[Vehudur]

Dear people at the Mountainhome,

   Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.

Signed,

The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.

I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.

[ImaDwarf]

Dear people at the Mountainhome,

   Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.

Signed,

The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.

I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.

I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow. 

[Vehudur]

Dear people at the Mountainhome,

   Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.

Signed,

The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.

I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.

I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.

war...   what?   ok.  I'll take your word for it.

[ImaDwarf]

Dear people at the Mountainhome,

   Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.

Signed,

The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.

I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.

I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.

war...   what?   ok.  I'll take your word for it.

I modded in war camels...DON'T JUDGE ME!

[ElthMysterius]

Dear Urist McHammerLord,

You're wearing a full set of steel armour. You have a steel shield and a steel warhammer. You are practically a fucking tank. Now tell me how in the clownite-encrusted hell did that goblin snatcher with the iron dagger managed to stab you in the leg and run off, leaving you to run towards the hospital blubbering like a baby?

What? You want the chief medical dwarf to kiss it better? Put a +dog leather bandaid+ on it encrusted with images of cats?

That goblin should've been a red smear the instant you tripped over him and you know it.

Sincerely (and angrily),

The Management

[Samuel]

Dear Urist McStrangeMood,
I'm not even going to ask exactly how you managed to make a chain out of deer bone. I'm also not going to ask why you couldn't have studded it with even a single piece of the metric fuckload of gold we've mined out recently. I'm just gonna ask that the next time you claim one of our workshops, you put your time and effort into something a little more valuable. Or useful. Or interesting.

Signed,
Your Overlord

P.S. Starving to death while doodling you're little quarries and stacks of cloth would also be acceptable.

[bungler]

Dear Urist McDeadBeat,

After the tragic loss of it's mother, a lone baby struggled through the fortress trying to get it's needs met. Glancing over the poor tyke's relationships, I find you are listed as the biological father. I also witnessed this starving, thirsty baby crawl right past your ass while you were hanging out in the meeting zone "No Job"ing. You donated your sperm (seemingly the only useful part of you) but you can't spare a second of your precious time to raise your offspring?! I have the right mind to send you into the lava pit, but I'm sure your loss would probably affect the moods of the rest of your illegitimate children...

Think before you skeet.

Overlord

[Musashi]

Dear Urist McSuturer,

I know that you are "on break" despite having absolutely nothing to do, but does that mean you have to stand still, waiting for the goblins of the current siege to turn you into a pin cushion? You're not even trying to get away. Alright, while they're shooting at you, they can't see nor dodge my own hunter headshotting them professionally, but still. If you're suicidal, just faint on top of a trap. Like that legendary spearwarf I just lost while you were somehow still alive. Or cause your very own cavein on top of the garbage pit (my fortress seems to attract caveins). Or... look, all you can do is suture (and still, you're hardly better at it than anyone else) and do some social stuff (not enough to be a proper, useless noble).
Start practicing on yourself, try to hit legendary before I come back to you, and I might consider letting you live.

The overseer who suspects Dwarf Fortress will crash any second now anyway, cancelling yet again the whole siege

[zarmazarma]

Dear Urist Doilyweaver,

Stairs are among my less complicated, however evil, creations. You should know how to use them. Why are you so confused?

Signed, Armok

[Nobak]

Dear Urist McBrokenlegs,

Yes, I know that lone remaining troll knocked you two stories down into the dry moat. Yes, I know breaking a leg, an arm and a foot all at once is painful and very much a concern.
But did you really have to leave your similarly injured baby in the moat?


Dear Urist McEveryone,

I know you have things to do and lives to live. But would it really have killed one of you to get that 2-month-old baby from the moat instead of letting him crawl his way out of the moat, back around the walls, through the goblin corpses and back inside with two broken legs?

Just deal with any forthcoming dangers on your own. I'm going to gen a new world that hasn't been tainted by your stupidity.

Sincerely,
The former overseer of Gillgame.