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[Namfuak]

Dear Urist McMayor,
I know you love Electrum.  This is good, because it is easy to make since we have plenty of silver, gold, and magma smelters.  However, mandating the production of electrum items after I have just completed your mausoleum made entirely out of electrum is somewhat annoying.  Lucky for you, I made a bucket for you that I can use in the next well.

Dear Urists McHaulers,
It has been 2 years, and the water cistern STILL has 9/10 of the rocks it had when it was finished.  I even tried to expedite the process by creating a dump pile above the proposed waterline and designating every rock for dumping, but it still hasn't been done.  Do it already.

Your annoyed, but otherwise happy with his situation, Overseer
Namfuak

[The13thClam]

To all residents of Jungledeath, the Damned Fortress of Bone

This is a friendly reminder from your overlord task master dictator friendly neighborhood administrator. When large quantities of objects have been designated for dumping, I fully expect everyone to work until the job is done. Please do not stop halfway through the project, idle in the dining areas/statue gardens/meeting halls/quarters with no job listed for a freaking month. I understand that you may get tired, and hungry, and thirsty, and you are more than welcome to take a break when you need one. But leaving behind half the work for the other members of the fortress (you know who you are) is both inefficient and beginning to rouse my ire. If you cannot find something to do while others are working, I will find something for you to do. And trust me, you will not like it. Those of you who I have instructed to specifically ignore dumping, keep up the good work.

Signed,
Your friendly neighborhood administrator

Notice to all migrants to Jungledeath, the Damned Fortress of Bone

Greetings! Thank you for journeying to our fortress from the mountain home! I understand you are tired after your travels. Please, take some time to rest and get used to how things work around here. After you have sufficiently rested, you will be divided into two categories. Those who have skills, those who are going to be spending much of their remaining lives carrying things around, and those who are special. If you are designated special, please report to the armory immediately. You will be doing extended patrol duty to keep our fortress safe. If you complain about this too much, you will suddenly find yourself on permanent sentry duty to spot incoming goblin/kobold/blendec/skeleton elephant/giant cat incursions into our territory. And you will do so armed with the weapons nature provided you. Remember, you are expendable until proven otherwise.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood administrator

A notice to all residents of Jungledeath, the Damned Fortress of Bone

Please stop loitering on the drawbridges. In event of an emergency they will be shut, damn the consequences. You have been warned.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood administrator

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Urist McFancypants

Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work.  You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.

Ahoy there, Fancypants!

....

Sorry, couldn't help myself, been playing the original monkey island recently.

I'll just be over there ===>
...

It was an artifact pair of GCS silk trousers.  I forget what all it had but it was indeed a fancy pair of pants.

Dear Refuse Haulers

I appreciate the fact that no one has yet taken a spill in the new garbage chute into the volcano, but please, for the love of Armok dump the right stuff in it! Bodies go in the chute, stones go into the quantum stockpile outside the mason's workshop! The fortress depends on our masons and mechanics making very nice rock materials for trade and use, we DON'T need bodies stinking up the work level because you can't get your piles straight.

Your Rapidly-Losing-Benevolence Overlord

[MBlueD]

Dear Dwarves,

Please don't... Actually you know what - fuck it. Please do. Urist, see that bauxite lever with ARMOK written above it in big blood red letters? Please pull that on your way to do whatever it is you want to do.

Thanks. Don't call me - I'll call you.

[Kingsdragon]

Dear Mr StrangeMood

Hurry up and create your Artifact, I'm sure it doesn't need a billion different materials so that by the time you've gotten to creating it, you're half starved to death and almost falling over from sleep deprivation and thirst.

Your concerned boss.

[LealNightrunner]

Dear Urist,

Please note that in the future it is considered good form not to drown with our only pick.

Regards,
Rest of the dwarves who would be digging you a grave.

[Kearn]

apparently exploding is a thing. who knew.

[Flaede]

Dear residents of BoiledFurnace,

First, congratulations: this grand fort has built itself an empire out of its humble silk industry. We have gotten rich from an often overlooked resource - the cave spiders that roam out vast (and walled in) underground. Trading only a few, perfect designer suits each year for everything our fortress could need, the boiledfurnace brand is at the top of the fashion world, and the "we start with a web" slogan enjoyed great success.

Sadly, it seems we will have to discontinue our silk-work operations. I hesitate to lay blame, but in this case I think we all know the culprit - Obok's Cat has wiped out our local spider populations. Single pawed (literally, since the auto cat-radification device almost saved us), this creature has brought us to our knees. While we could trade for silk, it would dilute the brand, and we have heard stories of child labour in the human silkworm provinces that would doubtless harm our brand.

Since Bomrek and Dodok both recently proved capable of legendary genius in the art of leatherwork, and Urist-The-Butcher has a legendary reputation herself, I am proposing we switch to a slightly more edgy line for next fall's caravan-fashion-show: Cat Leather. Bomrek has created a prototype leather coat in StrikeFisted the Anvil of Suffering (it menaces with spikes of Diamonds!), and Dodok showed great genius with his leather miniskirt prototype - BloodSprinkled. I vote we move to full production immediately, starting with the hide of Obok's Cat, now that Obok is no longer around to object.

The ad department has already come up with a doozy of a trademark phrase:

"The Best Way To Skin A Cat - BoiledFurnace"

Keep up the good work. We won't let e little thing like mass extinction slow us down!

Sincerely,
the majority stakeholder in BoiledFurnace Clothing and Accessories Ltd.

[ElthMysterius]

Dear Urist McSoldier

I understand that you were mightily upset after the four goblin ambushes that befell us in a row killed a great many of our number. And yes, you have the right to be angry, and throw your sword at a wall. I could've easily forgiven you if you had broken somebody's jaw. It happens.

But you actually seeked out our broker, found him in the well room alone, and put your shield through his face. And then you felt even worse. And then you had to gall to follow the mayor around to complain at him because you killed someone!

If we didn't need every single soldier available, and if we actually had a justice system, you'd have been jailed a long time ago. At least you seem a lot happier just knowing you're evading the law.

Your days are numbered,
The Overseer

[Samuel]

Dear Eternally Inconsollable Idiots,
To prevent you people from having a fortress-wide simultaneous nervous breakdown, I'm taking a new direction in "rotting dwarf corpses in the hallway" management. If and When you die, I'm not going through the trouble of digging you all graves, building coffins in them, then having one of your incompetant but still alive comrades drag your bodies there, just to be seconds too late and end up with a hallway full of miasma. I assure you, digging the ground out from under you, building a new floor in your place, and then promptly forgetting you existed is much more efficient.

Signed,
Your Overseer


Dear Urist McMason,
Frankly, you should have been more mindful of where you were standing when you built that wall. Don't worry, there's plenty of plants down there to eat, but, if you want to destroy that wall and come back up, You'll have to find a way to kill that giant humanoid made of coral first. Best of luck with- ...oh. Well then, that resolved itself. The wall stays.

Signed,
The guy who's not even going to come down there to bury you one z-level under the floor.

[Kearn]

beating people to death with tableware

[lordofhyphens]

Dear his Honor Urist McMayor,

If you want something made out bugbat teeth... you're going to have to get said teeth yourself.

[albatross]

To Urist McHermit

I wish that, for example, when you dig out a room, you'd have the courtesy to mine, shall we say, in less random manner. It's irritating. Just because I gave you full freedom over the methods how to execute my orders at the location you were assigned to, does not mean that you shouldn't live up to your CV. I know for a fact that you are an organized, intelligent and a confident dwarf. You should start showing those qualities in your everyday activities.

Have I not always been good to you? Did I not provide you with the best food and alcohol available upon your departure? I entrusted you with the very best equipment in my possession, and you repay the kindness with incompetence and erratic behavior? Surely you know that due to my reputation I cannot have my subordinates act like you've been acting. All I ask is little respect. Kindly start showing it to me.

Otherwise I cannot guarantee your safety any longer.

That is all.

P.S. I trust that the remains of the six others will not surface. It would be unfortunate. Especially for you.

[Rhaken]

Dear Mosus, Expedition Leader of Mirrorbeards,

I know meeting with the liaison is a tiring affair. I also know that a break feels just great after you've spent days talking about red tape and whatnot. I understand. You did spend most of a year hauling things around without a word of complaint. Really, you earned your break time.

Of course, next time you decide to go on break for a month two weeks after the dwarven caravan arrives, I will be forced to draft you into the military. As a melee weapon.

Wrathfully yours,
The General


Dear Inod, Engraver of Mirrorbeards,

I chose you for the task of engraving the barracks because I know you're the best. However, that is no excuse to be a lazy artist. All your engravings revolve around the same three events, and they all happen to be exactly alike.

Should you not get creative, the army will become quite cranky over the lack of variety in their engraved walls and floors. If the army becomes cranky, you will be drafted, given a basalt vuvuzela, and locked outside on patrol duty.

PS: Yes, I am quite aware that most of the elephants outside are skeletal. I assure you, by the time you are done with your patrol duty, you will be every bit as skeletal as they are.

Have a nice inspirational day (if you know what's good for you),
The General

[Jake]

Wait... basalt whats?