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[EddyP]

Dear Urist McADD

The plan was: Pull the lever, extend the bridge, lure invaders to in front of bridge where catapult can hit them, pull lever again, retract bridge, kill invaders, let traders out.

The plan was not: Pull the lever, extend the bridge, lure invaders to in front of bridge where catapult can hit them, wander off on a break.

Please reflect on this in death.

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Urist McSoldier,

Pick up your gauntlets.  Good, now pick up your helmet.  Wait, don't drop your gauntlets.  Pick up your gauntlets.  Don't drop your helmet.  Pick up your helmet.  DON'T DROP YOUR GAUNTLETS.

FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Your increasingly cheesed off overlord.

[Vorthon]

Dear Urist McWallClimber

I honestly have no idea how you got on top that wall, and quite frankly, if you hadn't given birth up there, chances are I never would have found you, and you would have starved. Seriously, how did you get on top of a wall with no stairs, or any connection to the mountainside? At least your pet duckling was with you.

Signed, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.

(Seriously! I had built a series of pumps to transfer water from a small pond to a cistern I had dug, and built walls on either side of them to prevent leakage. The setup was like this:

~~
~~  WW  WW  WW
~~%%#%%#%% (etc.)
~~  WW  WW  WW

W=Wall
~=Water
%=Pump
#=Floor Grate

Somehow, she ended up on top of one those double wall bits. Any idea how?)

[Flaede]

Dear Urist McWallClimber

I honestly have no idea how you got on top that wall, and quite frankly, if you hadn't given birth up there, chances are I never would have found you, and you would have starved. Seriously, how did you get on top of a wall with no stairs, or any connection to the mountainside? At least your pet duckling was with you.

Signed, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.

I don't know how it happened, but I had a similar confusing wall-climbing incident - a dog on an ice pillar, in the middle of a glacier. Like you, I found her when she gave birth.

[Moosey]

Dear Urist McManager.

Only twice in the long, storied history of my fort have I needed to use the task manager screen.  And twice you've decided to take months-long breaks at the precise time you were needed most.

Work has begun on a special alligator pit designed personally for you.

[Duriel]

EDIT: Nevermind, I was being stupid.

[Sphalerite]

I've had fire men and magma men teleport out of the magma sea into nearby corridors, even with no way for a creature to have walked, flown, fallen, or swam that way.  I suspect there's some bit of combat code that was never properly updated to 3D, where creatures can attack opponents nearby each other in X and Y but without the game checking Z distance, and then charging or dodging across Z-levels that way.

[godisdead132]

Dear Urist mceveryone

may your lånem nentuk & zodost i hope your rÜsh is dezrem & serkib

(its dwarven translate if you want to)

[Horizon9]

Dear Urist McMason,

Next time you decide to take the only Mason's Workshop we have to appease the forces possessing you, please at least try to make sure you request items we have. You're lowly miner friend took the same workshop after you died and managed to make a gneiss grate encrusted with gneiss that menaced with gneiss spikes. It may have been a measly grate, but at least he requested things we have. You will not be missed, and your spot has been taken by one of the many other stoneworkers.
Enjoy your death.

Sincerely,
Your overseer.

[CapnUrist]

To the honorable mayor Kivish Avuzsedor:

I understand you are excited about your new appointment, sir. However, by selecting for your first decree as mayor a demand for a candy item, when the fortress has yet to even pierce the first caverns, has caused the masons and mechanics some distress. I believe I heard them discussing alterations to your new bedroom schematics, along with their musings over which mechanisms would survive the temperatures observed within the local volcano. You would do well to tread a little more carefully in the future.

Sincerely,
Your Humble Advisor.

[Thadius]

Dear Gorillas,

STOP HARASSING MY FORTRESS.  I will NOT return any of you that I catch to the wilds, so stop clogging up my cage traps!

Signed, Overseer UristMcAnimalHater.

[rdwulfe]

Dear Urist,

   I, your Overlord and One True God, have removed the ability to breed from all cats for a reason. When you come to My Chosen Land, please, for the love of Me, DO NOT bring cats with you. One or two is fine. But inevitably, each group seems to bring 10 cats with them. One cat is sufficient to de-verminize my entire fort. I hate cats. The next Migrant that brings a cat is going to receive five metric tons of Magma for a birthday present. I will not be held responsible for the deaths that result in this migrant's friends and family.

   If the cat should survive, I will then butcher it, and make a waterskin from it's flesh.

   Thank you,

      Rion Wulfe

[yaklin]

dear urist mcmigrantnoviceminer,
If the future of the fort absolutely needs a miner because the two starter miners died in a freak flooding accident that flooded the whole fort, TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE A PICK!! DON'T JUST DROP IT OFF AT THE SPAWN POINT!!!

your very ANGRY overlord,
yaklin

[SkyRender]

Dear hauling and masonry squad,

While I appreciate your enthusiasm for work, I do wish you'd realize that bringing barrels, bins, and smelted metals to stockpiles is slightly more important than grabbing the knickknacks of the latest failed Goblin assault.  Don't make me go Dwarf Therapist on you.

Sincerely,
That voice in your heads that tells you what to do

[Mr. Argent]

Dear Urist McMyMayor'sNameIsActuallyUrist:

Maybe if you didn't keep making retarded unfulfillable mandates i wouldn't have to lock you in your office. I hope your child doesn't share your fate and starve before i can retrieve it from your office after you've passed on, maybe it'll make a better mayor.