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[Urist son of Urist]

MEMO
To:  EVERYBODY
RE:  Casualties

It is a matter of policy that horribly mauled dwarves should not, as a matter of course, be left to die of dehydration in the scorching light of the great fiery eye of the day.  This includes poor Urist McAxedwarf, who, while bravely fending off six Goblins, lost his foot.  He then stood in the midst of a field for a while before he finally collapsed and died because nobody thought to bring him some water.

This is especially directed at Urist McWeaponsmith and Urist McManager, who I specifically instructed to direct their care towards the wounded.  In order to discourage further such issues, I have thrown both of the aforementioned dwarves into the training room.  Hilariously, both of them forgot to bring armor.  It was quite fortunate that their fellows were more attentive to their screams inside the fort and that our crack team of MediDwarves was on the spot to sew them up.

Any future cases of abandoning the wounded will see the offenders thrown into the hoary marmot pit.

[Tcei]

Dear Urist McMayor, and friends

I understand it was an oversight on my behalf, for setting up that  burrow that said it was safe to be outside in (what was going to be) the future lake entrance to the fort.

I also understand that you and your friends wanted a nice tan, however, the middle of a seige is not a good time to go  tanning; particularly when the hammer dwarfs are flinging the goblins down into the future lake! I assure you there will be time to tan after the seige.. or there would have been had you lived.

Sincerely,
Your benevolent overlord.

[Olith McHuman]

Dear Elves,

I have dropped all of your diplomats and your traders into my 10 z-level happy fun drop pit for the past 5 years. Declare war already!

p.s. Your wooden crafts make a lovely bonfire. As do your elves.

[Tommy]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner:

It is with great sadness that the management learns of your unfortunate and untimely demise.  We regret the incident that led to your death, and indeed regret further that we do not yet know what it was.  The scale of our current mining and engineering operation has, with hindsight, impacted not only our normally impeccable health and safety record but also certain non-essential concerns, which regretfully included operational record keeping.  We've asked around, but nobody seems to know how you ended up at the very bottom of the excavation chamber.  If you hadn't started rotting, it's likely nobody would have ever noticed at all.

In the spirit of goodwill we've asked your wife to provide a fitting tribute for your tomb, but she's too busy partying like it's 999.  In lieu of a genuine tribute, we trust "Nobody cared about him" will serve as an epitaph.  We don't really have the engravers to waste on anything bigger anyway.

The management salutes your effort, but notes that there are thirty other legendary miners to pick up the slack, and they've all got more friends than you.

[Samuel]

Dear Dwarves,

Holy mother of Armok, guys. I know you were hungry, but couldn't you have waited till the Donkey was cooked? rather than swarming the butcher's shop and devouring it's corpse like a school of piranha? Thanks for the nightmares.

-Your Ruler


Dear Urist McEngraver,
As I've discussed before on the forum, I quite enjoy your little pictures of that Marsh Titan, and welcome any new artwork of his battles. However, try to remember that, through my eyes, these engravings appear as the letter 'K'. Point being, would you stop putting three of them in a row all over the place?

-Your Ruler

PS if you'd brought your buddy the High Master Miner some food while he lay in the hospital with a broken leg, you wouldn't have to engrave all those images of him wasting away.

[peregarrett]

Dear mayor,

I agree it is a nice joke to dig channel over magma pool where the liaison was standing and waiting you'll spend some time to talk with him. I really laughed. But could you please do that just AFTER we made trade agreement, not BEFORE?

- your master

PS. Striking that poor cow in the head with your pick, and your fellow Architect was a nice joke too. And the last joke with petrifying yourself into the obsidian - was the nicest!

[Sysice]

Hey, Urist McFarmer. I know the quarry bushes are very, very scary. I know you've spread the word to the whole fortress never to grow them. However, I kind of need them. Plant them.

Failure to comply will result in unarmored danger room training.

~S

[Urist Imiknorris]

To Whom It May Concern

If your job requires you to be armed (miners, I'm looking at you) and you are told to kill a creature, DON'T DROP YOUR WEAPON. Likewise, if I tell you to wrestle a creature, DON'T JAM YOUR PICK INTO THEIR SKULL.

  -Your Benevolent Ruler

[ledgekindred]

Lan Likotrigoth,

Firstly, I very much appreciate your having a mood and becoming a Legendary Armorsmith.  Believe me, this is a good thing.  However, if I may offer just the slightest bit of constructive criticism.  A single Adamantine boot, while certainly very pretty, and ... well ... astoundingly valuable ... is nonetheless a single boot.  Since we already have problems getting our military to wear two boots at the same time I worry you may be disappointed if it sits gathering dust.  On the other hand, I also worry that it may only further encourage our military in the practice of wearing only a single, very nice boot.

Secondly, far be it from me to question your inestimable authority, but could you maybe have picked a stone other than graphite with which to decorate it?  I worry about it somehow catching fire and, you know, never going out.

Thirdly, and again, please do not take this as anything but constructive criticism.  I do wish you had decided to have your mood before having already reached High Master Armorsmith status.  It would have done us a world of good about five years ago.

Again, I do thank you and you may expect to be assigned to an upgraded accommodations as with your fellow Legendary crafters.

Sincere thanks,
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.

P.S.  I understand the symbolism, but the image of Likot Lucklance weeping for having been removed as outpost liason would have been more correctly represented by an image of Likot Lucklance bleeding out from multiple goblin pikes and sword injuries as the actual reason for being removed as outpost liason.  Just saying...

----

Since the graphite is only decoration and not considered the material the boot is made out of I don't think it would work.  But the idea of an ever-burning Artifact Adamantine boot worth 870k dwarf bucks on display somewhere is unfathomably epic.

edit: It's name is "Voiceraced the Worried Meteors."  The idea of a dwarf wearing it while on fire makes the name unbelievably perfect.

[gopa4]

I hate to be a kill joy, but I'm fairly certain that graphite is the material in pencils and that its not very flammable. At all.

[Urist Imiknorris]

Yes it is found in pencils. Yes it is flammable. Yes it is very hard to ignite.

[ledgekindred]

Yep, in df it has an ignition point that only magma is capable of reaching, and no melting point.  That means you can catch graphite on fire with magma and it will never stop burning.  Considering it is now on fire and in magma, there are limits to what can be done with it after that although it still has its uses.

[gopa4]

Drop water in a square around it creating obsidian. Mine it out, bring up the boot and build a shrine with the burning boot on top. Maybe then your military will wear two boots then.

[Samuel]

To: Dr. Vucar

The other dwarves have got the stone hauling handled. Your patient however, is currently lying in the dirt with a busted-up leg. Please try and sort out your priorities before you end up as the defendant in Dwarf Fortress's first ever medical malpractise suit.

Signed,
The voice of reason to which every one of you stupid bastards is deaf.

[Dbuhos]

Dear Urist McMason.

Hello, this is your overlord, writing this from god knows where. I know that you've seen many disturbing things in your life, while living here, in Walledswords....seen your friends die in front of you and get your face splattered by elephant blood but for god's sake, stop engraving the walls with your disturbing art. Especially the dinning room ! Who the hell wants to eat while watching these engravings ? I mean the dinning room is full of elephants being struck down and and many images of our dear Urist McOldChampion being killed by a ghoul. God praise him. Please. STOP.

~Your current overlord.