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[Samrobot]

Dear Fungi/Tower-Cap Haulers

I get it that there are all these monsters outside the secure entrance but a gorlak, troglodyte, or gremlin are nothing to run about.  If you are so scared run back in and not down the entrance to the 2nd even more dangerous cavern,  and if the traps dont kill these so called "monsters" the giant toad a VCC guarding the entrance will.

P.S. Don't feed the VCC you will get your arm ripped off

             From,
                 Your pissed off overseer

[Jake]

Dear Spirits of Innovation,

First, I have to thank you for sending a fey mood that not only required items that the fortress had in stock at the time, but produced a Legendary Weaponsmith in a fortress with both coal and magnetite.

However, a war hammer made of solid gold, inlaid with silver and worth almost half a million coin was... not entirely appropriate for an impoverished little mining and textiles fort of two score and ten with exactly six competent soldiers. The string of cock-ups that resulted in most of the population being butchered by invading goblins was my own fault, but I wouldn't have been in that situation if you would actually work with me and my dorfs instead of playing silly buggers.

Yours,

A beleagured Avatar of Armok

PS: I CC you in on my correspondence with my dorfs out of professional courtesy, and don't appreciate that courtesy being repaid by having you refer to me as 'Dwarf Jesus' behind my back. I invite you to reflect upon his role in The Salvation War, and the fact I'm contriving for my dorfs to recreate the first volume out of genre.

[Urist Imiknorris]

Why didn't you give a dwarf the golden hammer, get some popcorn, and watch the golf game?

[Jake]

That was an incident from my last ever .40d fort, and I didn't even have a military to speak of, much less a champion hammerdwarf. I was still in the throes of improvising something besides a few traps when it all went fruit-shaped.

[USEC_OFFICER]

Dear Military:

    Yes, I know it's your job to chase down enemies and kill them, but can you ignore the child-snatchers when the Legendary Macedwarf is fighting two squads of goblins. I'm sure he'll like it. At least, when he was alive. And it's not even if he was that far away. Most of our dwarfs ran that far when the alarmed was sounded. Seriously, if you are 10 squares away from the guy, the least you can do is go help him.

                                    From: Overseer.

[LemonFrosted]

Dear Litast

Did you really need to try and clean the scum off the inside of the water pipe for the fortress obsidian farm right as a flooding session was beginning? Was it the sound of rushing water, the hiss of cooling magma, or the scalding steam that attracted you to clean this particular spot in the bowels of the fortress at exactly this time? Well, now your dog is encased in obsidian, so I hope you're happy with yourself. Don't come whining, it's your own damn fault.

Yours,

Overseer LFK

[Urist son of Urist]

Dear Urist McHunterdwarf,

Please actually hunt.  No, hunting does not consist of picking up 5 crossbow bolts and taking a few potshots at a passing hoary marmot when you bother to do it at all.  I realize that you value your leisure time, but we're sort of starving right now, what with the outbreak of dragon in the underground farm and the fact that the traders were apparently eaten by carp.  So please, learn to use a quiver.

Also, please tell your friend, Urist McTraderguy, that I would like him to place trading above moving rocks around in terms of schedule priority.  I know he likes his rocks, but our last attempt at a replacement farm was met with a giant hoard of troglodytes, so we really need that beer.  It does not help that he seems to spend most of his time drinking anyway.

[Flaede]

Dear Moist Plank of the Civilization of The Misty Chamber,
your civilization chose a carp for their symbol. Not to be outdone, you chose the image of a CAST? That's just way to appropriate, what with the mayhem you seem to enjoy.

sincerely - the guy who picks up the pieces.

[MrNuke]

Dear Urist McMoody
Please, stopping asking for materials that the fortress doesnt have, and better yet, dont ask for EVERYTHING the fortress doesnt have.
Signed, Your Overlord.

[Psychobones]

Dear Urist McMarried,
Fuck. No, that's no a curse. You don't seem to understand you are one of 17 dwarves left on the planet. You have a beautiful wife, so please, for the love of dwarfkind and me, fuck!

Signed,
God

[Xzalander]

Dear Urist McExplorer,

When we ask you to scout ahead and make a forward base, it means we would appreciate it if you used some of the braincells Armok gave you and not embark in the middle of an iced over 50tile wide major river, in which within a day Spring is due to arrive and cracks are visible in the ice.

Annoyed,

Your Generous Benefactor.

[deoxys413]

Dear Urist,

I am well aware that forgotten beasts are scary and terrifying. This is why I need one of you NEARBY idlers to pull the lever to plunge him down the chasm and do him in. This is not done by the 1st of 30 idles dwarves who is inexplicably up on the surface barfing his guts out at the daystar, but rather one of the 5 that are milling about the lever presumably idle.
Remember this so an alternate universe does not have their innards chewed on by a skinless zebra.

Yours,

More Slightly Miffed

[ledgekindred]

Dear Cat Lovers,
They were already in the cage when they decided to "adopt" you.  That makes them fair game for goblin bait.  If you want to feel better about it, at least they distracted the sword squad long enough for the rest of our military to arrive.  Get over it.

I Don't Care,
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.

P.S. If you'd rather have intact cats than intact guts, I can arrange for that with the next siege.

[Samrobot]

the enemies of DF are 1. cats 2. clowns 3. elves 4. gobos 5. various cavern beasts

[cog disso]

Dear Jeweler,

Why did you encrust a blood-smeared, mud-smeared pig tail boot that you got off a dead trapper with emeralds, schorls and rose quartz? Couldn't you at least have cleaned it first?