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[KillerClowns]

Dear Urist McLyeMaker and Urist McSoapMaker:
Through a stroke of sheer, dumb luck, you two morons are finally more than glorified laborers.  Your skills are finally useful, for a sufficiently loose definition of "useful."  So shut up, stop partying, stop drinking, and DO YOUR DAMN JOBS unless you want to spend the rest of your miserable little lives hauling blood thorn beds... assuming I don't just give you a crossbow and tell you to hunt me down some jabberers and rutherers as penance for wasting my time.

[ray10k]

dear mining squad,

I realise that lava is dangerous, I know a sign of lava is warm rock, but I also happen to have some rather accurate knowledge about the exact location of aforementioned lava: BELOW the area you are digging out, not next to it. stop shouting about warm rock, and DO YOUR JOBS!!!

signed,

your somewhat displeased ruler.

[Daetrin]

Dear Urist McMason,

While I have not restricted you to burrows, I have made sure to make everything forbidden on death during sieges to prevent further deaths. Therefore, I would prefer that you wait until some other time to clean, for the first time in the fortress, the blood-soaked entry hall that has been marinating  for five years.  The blood is not going anywhere, especially not with fifty mounted goblins engaging our axe lords.

[Samrobot]

Dear Urist McAxedwarf

I understand your tired from all the sparing and drinking but when a giant vomit monster is attacking the fort and your fellow axe brothers don't take a nap while they risk life and limb so everthing doesnt die.  Oh and your an ass.

        From,
    your grieving overseer

[Flaede]

Urist CousinBanger,
Your retarded child is trying to drink magma.
I hope you're happy.

Sincerely,
Local Representative for The Dwarven Husbandry Society

[Jake]

Dear Dorfs,

Look, I'm really sorry about that planning error that dropped a football pitch-sized slab of rock on someone's head, the unfortunate misunderstanding about whether forbid-on-death was turned on or not and forgetting to make sure there was enough armour to go around. It was my own damn silly fault and Ifeel really bad about it; unlike most of the rest of the community, I actually feel a duty of care towards you all, no matter how frustrating our professional relationship can be at times. I know I don't get it right all the time, but I'm doing my best.
And if you've got an issue with how things are going, come talk to me, okay? Don't let it fester 'til something finally goes twang and you haul off and clobber someone for blowing his nose too loudly. I have only a limited amount of control over the consequences if you do; I can insist that the conditions of your incarceration meet civilised standards, but actual sentencing is out of my hands.
Engrave me a note and send it off with the next elven caravan if you don't feel like sniffing enough gnomeblight to visit in person; it's not like their druids have anything better to do.

And I know the Underdark and the Forgotten Beasts are scary, but just hang in there; I'm working on getting you that gunpowder stuff I mentioned in passing a while back.

Yours,

Your designated Avatar of Armok.

[UberNube]

Dear Urist McLegendaryAxedwarf,

First I would like to thank you for putting up with the strict training schedule. I realise that the long patrol duties enrage you, but you still haven't murdered anyone with your axe yet, and for that I am grateful. Furthermore, I would like to apologise for the somewhat unusual training system which we employ here in GiltedBoulders. I can understand your frustration and annoyance at being thrown into a room full of spikes and told to "think fast" while they repeatedly stab at you.

None the less, you are a member of the elite military of this fortress and you are expected to follow basic protocol. This protocol includes such things as waking up in the morning, responding promptly to orders, and most importantly, knowing how to dress yourselves. I have seen you repeatedly ignore uniform orders and continue to show up for training sessions without your mandatory military robe. As such, I have absolutely no sympathy for you when you lose fingers, toes, ears and teeth during your training. In fact, the only reason I recently used my godly powers (modding) to prevent you from bleeding to death was because I am too lazy to wait to train anyone else up to your skill level. Be assured however that when it comes time to deal with the various horrors wandering around the caverns beneath our fortress, you will be leading the charge, and should your incompetence result in your death, we will not be risking other more valuable dwarves to recover your corpse.

Sincerely,
Your not-so-benevolent overlord

PS. I fucking hate you. There are hundreds of robes just lying around. Get off your ass and dress yourself!

[druid91]

Dear Engravers Guild,

I would like you to know that your efforts to improve the morale of our fledgling fortress are greatly appreciated, however a few of your engravings are rather disturbing, most notably roughly half of of Ilral's engravings are of chains, not to mention the instructions for the doomsday weapon engraved into poor Olon's bedroom wall. If this disturbing trend continues you will all be drafted into the military to be given something interesting to engrave, notably the noble action of our troops slicing the limbs off of elves defending our fortress from the barbarian hordes.
                                                                       Sincerely,
                                                                            Druid91
                                                                  (A.K.A. the force from above who directs your actions)

[Akura]

Dear Urist McCancelsRestInteruptedbyGoblinPikeman,
  It's just a broken toe. Walk it off. Your compatriots are reducing that goblin to meaty chunks right now, so there's nothing to worry about. Stop complaining. Seriously, 67 complaints in less than a second? Just lie down, pretend to be dead, and when Urist McOMGASOCK!! comes along to claim your pig tail socks(despite dead people's items being foribidden) jump up and shout "Boo!" or "Ow!" if you want to be taken to the infirmary, so we can set the broken toe.

Signed,
Urist McMalpractice, Chief Medical Dwarf

[KaunMoth]

To UristMcDoctor;

Re: Patients.

I don't know if you realise that you've attempted to fetch, what I assume is water, from that well for the past 2 years and failed, believe it or not there is a perfectly functioning well inside the hospital zone which I have designated just for that particular use, the three patients waiting on you, now for two years, to return from the other well are starting to considering suing you.

Ps, I checked, Urist McTimmy is not stuck down there.

To Urist McMayor;

Re: Drums.

Just stop it, okey? We tried, we seem to be unable to produce any more, just stop. You have 7 already, you don't need more, quite frankly the only reason why We have yet to introduce the special happy lever to you is because you, Urist McLegendary armorsmith and Urist McLegendary weaponsmith are best of friends.

Ps, Et tu Urist. Remember that. We can send your friends on vacation in the padded happy cell if need be.

Kind regards, your omnipotent and omnipresent ruler.

[lolghurt]

To the seven Urist McEmbarkDwarves,
WHY DOES EACH ONE OF YOU HAVE A PREFERENCE FOR, OF ALL THINGS, SLADE. NOT SLATE, SLADE.

[Urist McTaverish]

Attention all citizens:

The rumors started that there is a goblin siege outside our impenetrable walls was started by malicious, defeatist, elf-loving, no-bearded traitors to the glorious empire.  Do you think our unbeatable military, with their perfect copper platemail, and razor sharp copper swords would be diligently training in their barracks if there was goblins afoot? Anyone who continues to spread this malicious rumor will be subject to the hammerer's judgment, and I have given her clearance to continue a beating until either the dwarf dies or finally admits who told them.

Your Loving Invisible Overlord.

[Knick]

Dear Urist McDungeonmaster

Put on some pants!  For the love of Armok, put on some pants!

[Lord Vetinari]

Dear Urist McThrasher,

I assigned a room to every dwarf in the fortress (yes, that includes you too). Also, there is a 20 beds dormitory for children and newcommers (unused at the moment) and two barracks for the army. So, why the hell do you keep sleeping on the floor and complain about that?!

[Shaio]

Dear dickhead mayor.

I know most of the fort suffered horribly at the hands of the forgotten beast that was leading the goblins, they died noble deaths, even if over had of them died after we'd removed the things lungs heart, and guts, but the noble sacrifice was made, and made purely for reclaiming the courtyard and closing the god dammed gate before the humans or the rest of the goblin siege got there.

Id appreciate if in the next life, you didn't immediately destroy the objective half the fort sacrificed themselves for in a fit of rage.

I can only hope you enjoy watching the humans you let in massacre all your family, and friends.

yours respectfully your slightly less benevolent overlord who was quite attached to that poorly defended fortress.