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[tomas1297]

 I just had to make this.

[Ieb]

To my previous settlement.

Dear dwarves. I know that the underground caverns are dangerous, with exotic wildlife present that often is much larger than you are. That's why we have cage traps there, to catch, tame and sell these creatures.

Sometimes, accidents happen. Like when two of our woodworkers went to carry some of the caged creatures, and found that a few of the predatory megalizards were still there, and quite hungry.

So obviously, I sent the soldiers there to clean the place up and secure the location until all was cleaned up, the bodies, the cages and traps reloaded.

When the driders showed up, it was as much of a surprise to me and everyone present that all the legendary soldiers were torn apart in a few seconds with little to no harm to the enemies, who gained names and some even titles as the civilians ran downstairs to carry the cages that others attempted and were torn apart for.

With 75% of the fort dead to the driders, I hope you didn't mind too much when I drowned the rest of you in magma.

Hoping to learn from his mistake, Your Overlord.

[Musashi]

Dear Urists McCrossbowdorfs,

... you did well. You killed the most invaders and made the best use of our labyrinthine fortifications. You never flinched, nor tried to "pick up equipment" on the other side of the battlefield for random reasons, nor attempted even once to turn your crossbows into makeshift hammers.
I truly command your skills.
You make me proud.
I'm pretty damn impressed.
Sieges ain't got nothing on you.

Long live the Rough Chambers!

Your overseer who has nothing witty to respond

[Seanp888]

Dear : Urist Mc DeadFace

I realize you enjoy walking around my magma filled fortress but was it really smart of you to walk through a area about to be filled with magma then take a nap there , But in the very least thank you for some how  getting yourself out of the magma before dieing of !!bloodloss!! and making sure we can store your !!Clothing!! in our wooden bins

From : !!Your Friendly Neighborhood Baron!!

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McWarband Commander,

I understand that I haven't told you to kill gnomes or some of those gators. Please, bear with me, and don't go to the end of mining tunnels to toss your helm in with the rubble.

[Kluge]

Dearest Urist McHauler Sr, Jr, I-VII, and Urist McHauler,

We appreciate your dedication to stockpiling hundreds of logs in case a prolonged Security Level Orange confines carpenters to their burrows.

However, we have recently been informed that while 10 peasants are dedicated haulers, the wife of our only miner was permitted to rot in the dining area. As you may be aware, her death was the result of her interest in leatherworking while no lw infrastructure is present in the fortress, which led to a berserk rage. Intra-fortress studies indicate dwarves killed while berserk come back as very angry ghosts who wish to kill you and all associates of you unless they are properly laid to rest.

Further adding to my distress, this particular dwarf was friends with many important figures, including myself.

Thus, after much discussion and debate, Management has decided to cut ALL peasant burrows off of booze until performance improves. We have also placed a lever in the Management rooom which, if pulled, will unleash a torrent of magma on all of you.

Sincerely,
Monom Oslanmatul, Supreme Imperial Expedition Leader, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Unnamed Reptile man civilization, and Elect of Armok.

[TolyK]

hint: make a slab, engrave it for her, place it.
ghost problem solved 

[UristMcDwarf]

 I just had to make this.

it's... glorious.

[Darvi]

Dear Urist McMoody:

Please stop going insane simply because I don't have the materials for your project.
Be patient and I'm sure I can find something.
Suicide is not the answer!.

[Beardless]

Dear Urist,

Remember that troll that got into the stairwell? Remember how your entire squad spent a week wrestling it to death? Remember how Mafol got torn up pretty bad?

Remember when I gave you that nice office? With all the medical equipment?

I did that because you're the Chief Medical Dwarf. I cancelled your sparring practice because you're the Chief Medical Dwarf. I exempted you from hauling because you're the Chief Medical Dwarf. So what do you do? You go off to "Manage Work Orders".

Tell you what. I'll cancel all work orders, except for one: Stop Managing Work Orders and Start Diagnosing!!!

-Someone you really don't want to piss off

edit:
Eventually gave up and appointed someone else Manager.
Then did it all over again with Bookkeeping.
And then he decides he really needs to put away that shield he's not using. (Nevermind that everyone's set to wear their uniform even when off duty.)
Oh, and now he's chopping a tree down.
Individual sparring practice. Screw this, I'm disbanding the whole squad.
...and there he goes putting the rest of his uniform away.
And finally, when there's absolutely nothing else left to do, he sits around with "No Job".

If assigning him a burrow doesn't work, I'm going to have to kill him.

[Shootandrun]

Dear Urist McLegendaryswordwarfinafullsetofadamantine

WHY THE HELL DID YOU DODGED INTO THIS MAGMA PIPE, SOLDIER? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I hope you understand me,

Your overseer

[Buttery_Mess]

Why, broker, why must everything else be so much more important to you than going to the god-damned depot? And why does nobody else turn up when you decide it's time for a kip, or a smoke-o?

[Urist Imiknorris]

Why, broker, why must everything else be so much more important to you than going to the god-damned depot? And why does nobody else turn up when you decide it's time for a kip, or a smoke-o?

a) Because trading is a low-priority job.

b) Only Broker may trade / Anyone may trade (q - select trade depot - b)

[Beardless]

Dear Urist McMedicalDwarf,

See, that wasn't so bad now was it? Aren't you glad you didn't let your friend die? Keep it up and I may unlock the door.

-You Know Who


Dear Urist McHunter,

How on earth did you manage to get on top of that tree?

-Your Perplexed Overseer

[MythagoWoods]

Dear Urist McPeasents,

I hope you and all your friends learned frm Urist McSacrificedMoronWhoRefusedToWork that DARING to state "No Job" for longer then one season leads to dire consequences.  When I give you a job, even something like Cheese Maker, I expect you to do it.  When I put up a massive hauling job, I expect you to do it.  When I make you a soldier, I expect you to spar.  But no, not Urist McSacrifice, he was quite content sitting in my dining room and kitchen stuffing his face.  Hey Urist McSacrifice, pull my lever that drops you 10 z levels.  Well what do you know, the first job you actually decided to do since you arrived, good on ya. Let Urist McSacrifice be a lesson to everyone.  Stating "No Job" kills.

-Your impatient overlord-