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[Horizon9]

Dear Urist McAxedwarf,

Bravo, you cheeky little devil. As you probably know your much more skilled leader of the squad was taken down in one shot by a kobold last year, and said kobold had to be killed by a miner.
You, on the other hand, have just made your overlord very proud. You faced much stronger prey, a goblin snatcher in fact, and proceeded to dismember it messily. To show our gratitude, we are digging out a new tomb, which shall be decorated accordingly, you will be assigned the best coffin we can make, and we shall attempt to give you some armor that is not made of cloth, among other changes.

Keep up the good work,
Your very pleased overlord.

[Devling]

Dear Urist,
STOP BEING A FAIL HUNTER!!! AND FINISH THE FARM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

[Urist McOverlord]

Dear fire imp,

Lighting the world on fire and killing the elven caravans are our job. Please stop.

Yours singed-ly,
Urist.

[Bearorrist]

Dear Urist McMilitaCommander

I admire your gusto in killing Elk for my fledgling fortress, please remember to not drop your axe when you see your target next time.

Your Disappointed Leader

[Samuel]

Dear Urist McGermophobe,
Sir, I declare that you do not know the meaning of true dwarfiness! Our military's work was both admirable, fantastic, and dwarfy: They literally coated an entire hallway in the blood of a single Giant Olm. A short, narrow hallway in the caverns, but I digress. Why would you do something so explicitly undwarf-like as cleaning up such a beautiful paint job?

You can go on about sanitary workplaces, and risk of infection, and the god-awful unbelievably bad smell, but I know what all this is really about.

When the elf caravan arrives in a couple months, feel free to leave with them.

Signed,
An Unamused Overseer

PS before you make up your mind to begin your tree-f***ing, you should probably be informed that the elves will be leaving the fortress through a drain designed to wash their water-logged and bloated corpses out of the trading room. See? That's how real dwarves do it.

[Venturi]

Dear Dwarfs,

While sending out the 20 unarmed soldiers to do some population control to fight off the Siege may not have been a good idea in hindsight, please stop breaking stuff, the jails are overfull and the beating you will get takes ages to clean up.

Also after the 8 er 9 er.. 11+ unfortunate accidents, childbirth in the danger room is frowned upon

- signed
   Your Evil Oppressor

[LunatictheInvincible]

Dear Military,

A couple of weeks ago we opened up the underworld on accident. Ergo, to buy time for the construction of defenses, or to eliminate the threat outright, I ordered all twenty-five of you down the fairly short staircase and into the smithing operation's area so that we could have an organized an effective defense. However, only four of you answered the call and actually went into the fight. Unfortunately for all of us, despite their awesome skills, these four were unable to hold back the 30 or 40 enemies, although they did manage to slay twelve of the enemy they did have some issues from all of the smoke and steam and as such suffocated. Even while watching the valiant stand, I fully expected at least some of you to arrive as backup and we would manage to fight back the horde. But no, even your esteemed leader was too cowardly or drunk to join the fight with his artifact iron armor. Whereas I wish that I could have provided warrior burials for those valiant four and even the civilians and animals that were caught in the slaughter, I desire only to toss you twenty-one cowards into the underworld, in wooden caskets, with elves, and cats, and only water.

That's one fewer route,
The Paperboy


Dear Artifact-creator Bowyer,

Why, oh why, did you have to create that highwood razor bow? You do realize that it is completely useless to us. Even if we could sell artifacts, the dwarves want nothing to do with bows and the elves would try to kill us for attempting to sell them wood (unless we kill them first) not to mention that we can't create arrows here. If I didn't need crossbows for our military, not they use them in the fight detailed in the previous letter, I would have tossed you into the elf pen.

The Paperboy

[Rhaken]

Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,

We must say, we cannot fault your enthusiasm. The moment we hired you for the job, you immediately went about the task of dispensing dwarven justice, without even bothering to settle into your new home.

However, there is a matter we must discuss. As you know, you are currently tasked to fulfill the punishing of around half the fortress population. However, when issuing the warrants, Urist McDuke thought it appropriate to forego arrests and just have everyone beaten. A task which you have been quite dilligent at, despite having nothing but your own hands to dispense justice with.

We demand that you cease and desist immediately. You've already hospitalized three innocent dwarves, disrupted armor production, and made said armorer barf all over her baby of a few weeks for hours on end. You are also prone to ambushing unsuspecting "criminals" as they eat or drink, and this is upsetting everyone, including Urist McDuke who was half-mad to begin with.

Should you fail to comply, strict !!disciplinary actions!! will be taken. Also, we feel we should remind you that one of the "criminals" on your list is the chief medical dwarf. If he ends up too badly injured to do his job, you will be fired. Out of a magma cannon.

Sincerely,
The Administration

[SlimyMarmot]

Dear Urist McChild

It seems you enjoy the thrill of throwing parties. What's more, you seem to also enjoy the excitement of throwing them right when the fortress needs its mechanics to finish a key trap to save us from a flaming death.

After all the bodies have been cleared out, I'm celebrating our survival by letting you be the first one to throw a party at the fort's arena. Even though it will be locked for the duration of the event, don't worry about the lack of participants, I've invited ten naked goblins.

Sincerely,
Your Count _{his left lower arm is melted, his left upper arm is melted, his head is melted, his...}

[WVM2]

Dear Urist McImmigrant,

First off your overlord would like to sincerely welcome you to the fortress, but as you can see, were a little tight packed, with the fact you just doubled our numbers and all. Also, a warm, warm, hopefully EXTREMELY warm welcome to you and your 17 cohorts will be extended to you from our previous 17 residents. Enjoy your stay until we find the Spice, *cough* Magma,

-Overlord of the doomed channel of steel

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McHammerdwarf,

You were the only military at the time, so I thank you for being quick in chasing down that goblin snatcher while he was tracking his supple, underage prey. But please try to remember that your bronze hammer acts more or less as sports equipment, and try not to harm the child with a projectile goblin in the future. Thank you.


Dear kobold thief,

Sorry you're missing all your body parts, but that's your own fault. A word of advice in the future: if you're trying to be sneaky, don't try stabbing dwarves. Our woodcutter didn't even notice the three misses, and you only managed to grab his attention when you stabbed him in the face. And got your dagger stuck. And he still managed to deconstruct you to your base parts before walking himself to the hospital.

That one's all on you, partner.

[Horizon9]

Dear Mayor.

I'm not even going to complain, because this problem can be easily solved, but if you even think for one moment you can get out of trading with the humans simply because you're "on break", I'll have to take drastic measures.
You weren't appointed just so you could lounge around and not work. You're lucky I even gave you the minimum requirements for your room, even if I cut corners. Now you can redeem yourself if you try, but if you don't, you're room will become public property, and you will be dealt with accordingly.

The Higher Power

[Musashi]

Dear Urists McHunters,

When you detect a goblin ambush... don't shoot at them. Run back inside the fort. Seriously. You are not enrolled. I repeat: YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ENROLLED. YOUR 10+ FRIENDS THINK YOU ARE WORTH MORE ALIVE.

Dammit,
your overseer who didn't give the previous fort's dwarfs a chance to live just so she could stumble on bigger retards

[Corwyn]

Dear Easily Angered Humans,

  You appeared during a siege wanting to trade and your merchants died.  I am greatly saddened by the loss of your booze shipment merchants and their valiant guards.

  But you should vent your anger towards the goblins.  Because your men are not getting any further than they did and I will take great pleasure in one day selling the large iron armors back to you.

  In summary, if you think you can win this please, send more soldiers.  My marksmen need more targets and my wrestlers can use sword training on someone tall.

~The administration of SteelTrades

[Ze Spy]

To the Miner Guild of Halflife

Look , i am going to Lock that door shut and let you all get killed by Giant cave spiders for that rediculously stupid Joke about the Generate-creatures-out-of-nothing cavern , Have Fun


To the Frontline Soldiers of Halflife

Hey! Your equipment is over here in the barracks!


Signing off
The Administration of Halflife