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[Ieb]

Dear dwarves of Wakenpaint, or is that Awakenpaint, the FPS box is blocking that part.

Please stop climbing up walls, or dropping down them.

Seriously. At first I thought it would be but a case of some idiot doing these stunts by themself, but now there have been three cases where you suddenly became z-level challenged and went either up or down a wall or a cliff.

It wouldn't be as bad if you actually WENT BACK UP or WENT BACK DOWN by yourself, but noo. You have to stand there with a thumb in your ass and wonder how you're going to get out of this situation. Well let me tell you how, by wasting our mason's time.

We've lost one dwarf to dehydration already when he climbed up a wall and never bothered to tell about it, so try not to get added to such an embarrassing list of casualties.

[Namfuak]

Dear UristMcLovesHerShield,

I know that you really love that bronze shield.  And, after hitting a goblin thief with it for 4 pages of combat reports, I must say I was quite impressed when you decapitated him with it.  However, it is not as effective as your weapon, and as such I must ask that during sieges you refrain from using your shield in lieu of your axe, as there are many more goblins than dwarves, and it isn't fair that the rest of your squadmates should have to hack through the other twenty goblins while you bash on one the whole fight.

Signed,
Your Overseer

Dear Urist McMayor,
I gotta say, for the most part you are probably the best mayor I have ever had.  You like fine pewter, which I can make plenty of, and short swords, which I agree are very good to make.  On top of that, you made a legendary fine pewter sword, which I deemed inefficient enough to give to the captain of the guard and allowed you to become a legendary weaponsmith and fulfill your own mandates.  Because of how cool I think you are, I specially made a few fine pewter items for your rooms, where most nobles only get things made out of rock. 

But, for the love of Armok, GET OFF THE SPACE WHERE THAT STATUE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MADE.  ARMOK DAMN IT, YOU'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE SAME DAMN SPOT FOR LIKE A MONTH NOW, IT ISN'T EVEN DESIGNATED AS A MEETING AREA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Signed,
Your peeved, but still satisfied, Overseer

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Uvash, Former Miller,
When you came to this fort, I noticed your skill at stonework. I chose to make that your main occupation instead of your original milling, as we simply do not need millers.
You persevered, and recently engraved your first true engraving (as opposed to just smoothing walls). I disagree with your choice of a narrow beast, whatever that is, but I can't complain much. /at least you didn't engrave it in some child's room. However, the purpose of this letter is to congratulate you.
You were taken off of the engraving position you like so much in order to a.) make rock blocks for the fortress-saving well (my fault that it was needed, and I hope that alcohol will soon enter you and your fellow dwarves), and b.) make the well. Congratulations; I will have a room made for you in the platinum vein that our miners are excavating. I am glad that the well was built before most of our population, including useful ones like you, dropped dead like in a previous fort.
More in the spirit of my fellows, please make those rock armor and weapon stands for our sheriff.

To all dwarves:
As you know, our new well (made out of microcline and an iron chain) was recently completed. Please come up and drink before you die of thirst. Uvash gets first drink.

Sincerely,
Your Overseer.

EDIT:
Addendamum: I'm serious. All of you idlers? Get your dehydrated selves out to the well before you die of thirst.

[shlorf]

Dear UristMcFeyWeaponsmiths, no we didn't need a second adamantine mace, we didn't even need the first, neither did we need the aluminum battle axe or McBowyers legendary blowgun. Thanks for making my game crash when i tried to sentence you to a painful death at the hands of a deadly dust forgotten beast. Now UristMcCook can become our forts 10th legendary bonecarver after i reload.
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.

[Lyceq]

Dear Urist McBloodForSkin,

Please learn to use soap.

Sincerely,
Servant of Armok

[Ze Spy]

To Elven Diplomat,

No

[Shootandrun]

To the elves soldiers outside:

Fuck you.

To the human diplomat:

The only thing you will see in my fortress, little spy, is fifty bolts being shot at you.

To the goblins getting ready to attack:

I needed some tests for my experiments. Your death will help the dwarven science.

To the FB trying to breach in:

Come and get me, bastard.

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Dwarves of Largebusts,

Aside from our apparently blind Hammerer repeatedly demanding Lay pewter thrones which he gets then claims he didnt get and the other nobles demanding crap we dont even remotely have, you are all doing very well indeed.  To date, you have killed:

Two dragons
Fifty Goblins, including 3 legendaries
Seventy-Five elves, with whom out parent civ is at war
Fifty horses, belonging to said elves
Fourteen kobolds

You have made:
12 artifacts totalling hundreds of thousands of dorfbucks

And, of the 50 or so warriors, ten of you are title legendary champions

all that remains now is to find the HFS, err, the cotton candy.  Carry on!

[Corwyn]

Dear Dwarves of RingRoads,

  I realize I had taken a nap as we were arriving, when you fellows awoke me to advise we had arrived and requested orders on where and how to set up our new community, it is either the world's worst prank or you were letting the mules into the ale whilst our driver was asleep too for when you woke me up next to the active volcano vent.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

At some point I began breathing again and you understood the orders I gave everyone without question and set to some emergency work.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Good job to the miners who set about work with only a minor snag of one miner Asmel Lanlarrigoth who was unreasonably attached to our initial embark and only after I tricked you out with digging another trench could Asmel Rakustidash finish off the preliminary trenching, and then could I restrict the area from Lanla staying ever so close to taunting the fire imps and fireman down below to come up and find that we were alive.

So, we're alive, good job.  To be honest I almost abandoned you to your gristly fates as dwarfburgers as soon as I saw where you had parked.  But I am reasonable, I did tell you to park in the middle of these coordinates, and you did follow instructions quickly.  There may be some hope for this kingdom yet.

~The Management

[fijkus]

Dear Urist McPosessed,
   Really, it was my first time dealing with a possessed dwarf. You weren't too demanding. I would like to think that it was good for both of us, but I get the feeling that the mountain didn’t move when we were done. No legendary items, and your depressed as hell. What gives?
   Oh, right. I didn’t know how to butcher our animals.
   Please get better soon.
Signed,
Your sympathetic overseer

Dear Hippy Freeloving Elf Diplomat,
   Why haven’t you placed demands on my fortress yet? I mean, I appreciate you leaving me alone on account of the stick that’s ritualistically implanted into your species rectum at birth, but I’ll be needing a pretext for war soon so that I can test that mechanic.
   It’s summer of year 2. If I don’t get a good siege by year 4 to test my defenses, I’m just going to start digging down. So if in 10 years you find that my fortress is an abandoned hell mount and you’re having to deal with HFS coming to the surface because the Dagelkab Expeditionary Force failed to conquer hell, well, it’s really all your fault.
   Like everything else.
Signed,
The overseer

[FrisianDude]

Dear UristMcFeyWeaponsmiths, no we didn't need a second adamantine mace, we didn't even need the first, neither did we need the aluminum battle axe or McBowyers legendary blowgun. Thanks for making my game crash when i tried to sentence you to a painful death at the hands of a deadly dust forgotten beast. Now UristMcCook can become our forts 10th legendary bonecarver after i reload.
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.

You're not entirely right in the head, are you?

[TolyK]

Dear Urist (yes that's his name) McWarrior.
GTFO.
-Note on the door. To the !!dungeon!!. Which he didn't bother reading.

[UristMcDwarf]

Dearest Everyone.
I said to store the stone in the stockpile, not be eaten by an alligtor.
I care about you, I really do, so next time, can you follow my orders?

Love,
Mr. Diety.

[UristMcDwarf]

Dear UristMcFeyWeaponsmiths, no we didn't need a second adamantine mace, we didn't even need the first, neither did we need the aluminum battle axe or McBowyers legendary blowgun. Thanks for making my game crash when i tried to sentence you to a painful death at the hands of a deadly dust forgotten beast. Now UristMcCook can become our forts 10th legendary bonecarver after i reload.
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.

You're not entirely right in the head, are you?

Cotton Candy blunt weapons are as good as a weapon made of actual cotton candy.

[UristMcDwarf]

To: Urist McCruelandUnusualNobel.

So, you hammer the poor lye maker just because he didn't make you your tallow earrings?
I know I don't use lyemakers often, but that's just mean.
Actully, on second thought, nevermind.
He deserved it. I even made you a new office.
Pay no attention the absurdly warm walls.