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[Iados]

Dear Urist McMiner

the next time i order you to breach a wall for expanding my magma lake, please use the new ramp i builded for you, NOT the one flooded with magma. Hoping you are resting well in your tomb,

Iados

[FrisianDude]

Dear Urist McWhatsascruple,

you are ripping me off here, man, ripping me off. And take some better stuff with you.

[sicksock]

Dear Urist McMiner,

Please finish digging out the 4 squares left in my 36x26 combined storage and workshops, I want to build the damn thing already.

Sincerely, the guy in charge of the magma pumps

[billybobfred]

Memo to all dwarves of Estriththining, "Spysap"
Re: Booze

I understand that we have run completely out of all alcohol. This is my fault. However, for future reference, when I am busy ordering the McMiner brothers to pierce the frozen aquifer and the McMason brothers to build unmelting ice walls to keep us dry when spring arrives, I'm not going to think to check the stocks. Try saying something if this happens next winter.

I have McBrewer on the job. Try not to mob him too hard when he finishes that first barrel.

[Alternatecash]

Dear migrants;

I do not care that you spent 20 years of your life learning to make soap. I will not have effeminate human notions of cleanliness in my fortress.
Enjoy your new career feeding the endless hunger of the smelters.

Signed; An avatar of Armok

[Avarage]

Dear Urist McRecruit,

Please tell me how you managed to kill your Axelord coach in a sparring session with a wooden training sword.
I'm not angry, because you may just be on to something.
If you could teach the rest of the military how to be so deadly with wooden weapons, it would give my weaponsmiths a break,
and we could conquer the world with wooden swords alone.

Sincerely,
Your impressed and confused overlord.

[sicksock]

Dear Urist McMilitary Ex-Dwarf,

Please stop filling your waterskin from the brook hundreds of metres from the water source inside of our great (safe) obsidian fortress. Doing so leaves you venerable to the huge goblin siege that just showed up a mere 20 metres away from you and is charging as I write.

On second thoughts, nevermind.

Sincerly, Armok

[Lex Talionias]

Dear Masons
I am truly impressed, you work methodically and quickly to pave the streets and raise buildings in the glorious mountaincity the bastions. you all worked together to build the wall that keeps the goblins entering any place they please so our military can get to them before they get to our fair citizens. working along side the miners you built a glorious a water system under the entire city that provides well access within 20 blocks of any location in the city. truly magnificent work, i know it is far form gracious of me to criticize you as you work tirelessly and efficiently... but why do you leave random sections of floor and walls unbuilt? one of the truly luxurious noble housing estates was missing a single section of wall for the better part of 2 years after the rest of it was nearly built in a single week and that section was only done because i moved it back to the top of your building instructions 10 times... further more the cloth working shop was missing floors and walls on the second story which violates OHS in ways i cant begin to describe.

the lord mayor Shem

ps; yes i know the stigma around nobles in our society but i remind you i was originally just a bookkeeper and i have seen this city safely through 2 goblin ambushes that were less then a month apart so don't give me any of that 'useless noble' crap.


((not kidding, my mayor Shem Melbiluvel is an awesome dude, dose his job well and doesn't make many mandates except one for a single window which he ended without it being made in the end))

[billybobfred]

Memo to the cooks of Estriththining, "Spysap"
Re: Quarry Bush Leaves

See all those leaves? Cook them. They serve no other purpose but to be cooked. Plump helmets can be made into wine. Pig tails can be made into thread or ale. The booze is booze. But the quarry bush leaves?

They're just taking up space. Cook them.

[Musashi]

Dear Urist McPrisoner,

Sorry you got arbitrarily imprisoned for my decision to go against the ban and gift an extremely nice large gem to the mountainhomes, in order to speed up the arrival of the king. You're a legendary wood burner, my duke/mayor really likes large gems, and like most nobles, he can be unfair and all. You definitely didn't deserve it.
Well, I'm sorry everybody forgot to feed and water you. I did all I could, with several bastards walking around, jobless, but quite able to carry meals and drinks. They're just... well, you know. Fun-sized alcoholic sociopaths with ADD. Oh well. Hope it's nice wherever you are.

Send my greetings to Armok,

Your Overseer who's somewhat pleased that for once, a dead dwarf leaves no family behind

[ElthMysterius]

( Just reported this in the What's Going On in Your Fort? thread, but I thought I'd post it here too. )

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith,

When you made your demands for materials, I made sure you were only supplied with steel, despite you going straight for the copper at first (seriously? Copper makes terrible weapons! ). And then you worked hard. You toiled and toiled. You could've gone down in history as the one who made that artifact weapon that felled titans, forgotten beasts, and innumerable goblins. A weapon of legend wielded by a dwarf of legend, made by a smith of legend!

Instead, you came up with this.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

While it is undoubtadly an extremely deadly weapon, how did you expect anyone to use the damn thing in battle? Nevertheless, it now rests in a trap flanked by two silver statues of our great military commander. You know, the one who really could've used an artifact battle axe.

Ass.

- Sincerely, Elth Mysterius the Anger of Disappointment.

[billybobfred]

... "The Stirred Greennessses?"

[Urist Imiknorris]

You have an extra 's' in there.

Also, artifact corkscrew + other stuff = simultaneous noble-pleasing device and noble-"cleansing" device.

[ElthMysterius]

You have an extra 's' in there.

Also, artifact corkscrew + other stuff = simultaneous noble-pleasing device and noble-"cleansing" device.

No no, there ARE three consecutive 's'es in there.

Also I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have my militia commander weild an artifact. Even if it's a statue of him that does it.

[Lex Talionias]

Dear Urist McPossesed

is there anyway for you to contact whatever possessed you and entice it to come to our fort as a weaponsmith? Solamnunok 'the national number' is the greatest bronze battle axe ever seen and weilded by our milta commander has hewn its way through 3 goblin ambushes with it and the rest of our weapons are... 'lacking' by comparison. lets just face it a skilled weaponsmith cant make anything to compare to your creation. however im just saying you could have been promoted form whatever menial task you do and be our legendary weaponsmith if you had just gone and had a secretive or fea mood! just saying is all.

also, same goes to that asshole leatherworker who went and made a shitty leather  buckler called 'wiltedmorals', while not the pride of the millitary you would have been made a great armour to gear up our crossbowmen in top of the range gear instead of being a nobody to be replaced by the first semi-competent migrant.

Sencirly, Urist McWouldLikeBetterArmourAndWeapons already.