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[Jacob/Lee]

Dear all Urist mcmigrants,

Stop bringing legendary metalcrafters with you. We don't make metal crafts here.

Yours truly,
Lashgift

[ChokingVictim]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner/Engraver/Mason/Stonecrafter/Mayor/Axedwarf,

You were with me since the beginning.  You gave everything for the fortress.  You alone saved the fort countless times when we were fledgling.  You alone gave the greatest contribution to making us as mighty as we are.  Your replacements are incompetent, but it was my fault for not checking below you and accidentally causing you to fall into the goblin pit with all the hundreds of goblins I've been collecting over the years via cavein.  You killed many before being overwhelmed.  You will be missed and your tomb will be the envy of kings many generations to come. 

Love,

Your dear overlord

Also,

Dear Aspiring Bourgeois Nobles,

I see every year you embark to our lovely mountain home to replace your poor predecessors of which whom we are still trying to determine the cause of death in their most unfortunate accidents.  And every year you show up to our front drawbridge which shines of platinum and knock in hopes we will let you in.  The lever gets pulled, and I assure you our splendid bridge drops down for you every time I'm just not sure where you or your atoms go after that.

Love,

Urist McMarx, The overseer of our wonderful workers paradise

[Xveers]

Dear Urist McSlacker:

On behalf of everyone in the fortress, I would like to thank you for taking your time in channelling the final parts of our water capturing cistern. As you know, winter is fast approaching and speed was of the essence. We had scheduled your work two months ago, giving us enough time to flood the cistern and provide during those frosty winter nights. Sadly, you felt slamming back aleskis in the not-quite done beer hall was more important.

I hope you know that everyone who dies thanks to a lack of water is all your fault. And I will work tirelessly to see you trapped in your own personal, elvish hell.

Yours,
The invisible cursor that knows all.

[Soapalope]

Dear urist McSpartan,

Your claims of dining in hell are ridiculous. You can't even find a tree without help. And you wish to have 300 dwarves for your army? Well, you can have three. The population cap is 180.

Yours Sincerely,

Xerces, the elf.

[Rhaken]

Dear Duke Urist McAPointyHairedBoss,

Congratulations on your recent promotion to the title of duke. I'm sure you're quite happy at this. Your rooms have already been upgraded to your liking.

However, it has come to our attention that to celebrate your promotion, you had mandated that no earrings be exported from Mirrorbeards this fall. Not wanting to displease you, we ensured none of our many, many earrings were sold to the caravan from the Mountainhomes - the same caravan that brought the liaison that promoted you.

The human caravan from the summer, however, was still around, and we sold them plenty of earrings with no objection from you. As soon as they left the territory, however, you went on an arrest warrant-issuing spree for half the fort population, including half our military, and several dwarves that have never touched an earring in their drunken lives.

Rest assured that these arrest warrants will be fulfilled - one at a time. Mostly to spite you for being so anal.

Hoping you ram a cabinet up your ass,
The Administration

PS: We have noticed that you also issued an arrest warrant mandating encarceration of the chief medical dwarf for 151 days. We will ensure you regret this when there is nobody to diagnose your sudden and mysterious lack of a left leg.

[Fisher-Risen]

Dear all Urist mcmigrants,

Stop bringing legendary metalcrafters with you. We don't make metal crafts here.

Yours truly,
Lashgift

What are you? An Elf?

[tsen]

Why would anyone make metal crafts?  It's all about weapons and armor. Nothing says decadence like 12 sets of gold and platinum inlaid, black sapphire, star sapphire, white diamond, black diamond encrusted masterwork steel armor for everyone in the fortress, soldier or no.

[Ze Spy]

Why would anyone make metal crafts?  It's all about weapons and armor. Nothing says decadence like 12 sets of gold and platinum inlaid, black sapphire, star sapphire, white diamond, black diamond encrusted masterwork steel armor for everyone in the fortress, soldier or no.

errr , yeah , go on , i'll laugh when you run out of crap to sell to the merchants

[MythagoWoods]

Dear Urist McPartyGoers,

Stop it.

Seriously.

I know you like my outdoor garden.  I know you like my statues.  I KNOW I made that the meeting area to remove your cave adaptation.  But please, please, PLEASE stop vomiting on the statues faster then I can clean it up, complaining about it to my leader, and then throwing a tantrum and destroying my fine dining tables... then complaining about the lack of tables.  Next dwarf to do this gets to pull "the" lever.  I do not wish to make any one of you pull "the" lever.

Sincerely,
Your overseer

[Sphalerite]

errr , yeah , go on , i'll laugh when you run out of crap to sell to the merchants

Bah.  A single legendary stonecrafter working non-stop can easily make enough crafts out of worthless stone to buy out entire caravans.  And if you really want high-value renewable exports there's masterwork cheese and syrup roasts.

[Buckermann]

Dear Urist McFeyMood,

I salute you; you are the paragon of dwarven virtue. You are humble, assiduously and determined. When the mood came over you, you just secured three stacks of horse bone and started working and created the perfect horse bone door. No spikes, no fancy images, no thrills. A simple door. Granted the monetary value is rather low, but don't listen to your colleagues who may joke about it. And especially do not listen to the the band of nine Urist McFeyIdiot who created (using our rare and imported metals and precious stones), a harp, a crown, a amulet, ONE shoe, a mug, a oaken trumpet, another mug, a scepter and yet another mug. All worth tens of thousands of urists, but utterly and completely useless. And none of them improved their respective skill, unlike you, a humble fish cleaner who became a most respected bone carver.

Thank you for restoring my faith in the dwarven craftsmanship.

Ps: The door will be installed in your new accommodations, along with our finest aluminium furniture.
Pp: Can I have your babies?

[Silent_Thunder]

Dear Mayor of MournfulDirge,
As you may know, your predeccessor set into action a series of events that nearly led to the downfall of the fortress after the emergency lockdown mesures ment to end his life accidently flooded the safe room with magma. That was my bad. However, I find it almost humourous that you are now demanding a throne made of gold, even though the only gold in the fortress in now deep in the accidental obsidian farm. Normally I'd just replace you, but here's the bizzare part. You are demanding items when you are the only survivor of the aformentioned incident. As you may have noticed, your mandate has almost expired, and no migrants have come yet. I sincerely hope that you deem youself responsible and punish yourself for you crimes against the fortress by not making a gold throne.
Bemused;
The Overseer.

[Haspen]

Dear Medtob Sarveshvunom, metal crafter.

Why you ask for silk cloth. We have plenty of various plant cloth in seven different goddamn colors, even white! It is spring and the chasm doesn't offer cave spiders that would give us silk to spun into cloth for you.

You have been already crossed out from the bedroom's list, and that homeless peasant widow with an old dog was very happy to take your place.

Ah yes, our militia and their +Steel mace+'s will soon visit you and keep you company for few months.

I hope you're ready to join all those others who had similar fetishes like you.

Yours sincerely,
Kivish 'Haspie' Asmeltost, long-time leader of Melbilonshen.

[Ze Spy]

Dear urist McSoldier

i've designated you to hang around the Hill and fire randomly at the Horde of Enemies charging at our fortress , and instead what did ya do? you single handedly won the battle , you are getting rooms containing lots of artifacts , now there , i ain't gonna just randomly give artifact rooms to anyone who single handedly wins a battle , But in your case , you won a battle against a foe that's 10000 Years ahead of our technology and attacked with a massive force of 500

You are gaining Number one in our "memorials of the Best"

Invisible Controler

[Evanissimo]

Dear Urist Mcfisher
You may have noticed recently that many of the dwarves in our fortress are unhappy. well it's really your fault. all that fishing you do? no one can eat that until you've processed it. We have barrels of raw fish, turtles, and other things, but you refuse to prepare them, even after I order you directly to never fish again. Really.
signed, outpost manager.