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[Tale]

Dear Zon Nirkeskal,

You just witnessed the destruction of your entire fort and everyone but yourself by a single goblin ambush.  Now that you've stopped being insane for a minute, could you perhaps go load up the trade depot for essential goods for your continued survival?  Stiff upper lip.  I mean, I'd hate to interrupt your meeting.  That you're having by yourself.  Since you're the only one left.

But it might be helpful.

Sincerely,
OVERLORD

[jester]

To the children of my fortress:  When the alarm bells ring and your titan smashing, masterwork steel clad gods of battle parents dash to the surface to face the goblin hordes, STAY THE FUCK AT HOME.  Your deaths can make your said godofbattle parents very unhappy.

To Baron Urist Binfetishist. 
   I like you, I really do, you were elected mayor and all you ever asked me for was more bins and bronze stuff.  Your mandates of no exports of bins have been wise and well thought out,  As such when the mountain homes asked for a candidate for baron, you were the only choice.  Your not totally goddam stupid  wise rule has seen you accumulate 2 bedrooms, dining rooms, and offices all decked out with masterful engravings and the finest bronze furniture dwarfdom can produce as well as a tomb that includes its own nature park, lake, waterfall and infloor heating system.  Of all dwarves you are truely blessed.        STOP SLEEPING IN THE GODDAM HOSPITAL AND THEN GETTING ALL EMO ABOUT YOUR GODDAM SLEEPING CONDITIONS.  YOU HAVE 2 LEGENDARY BEDROOMS, USE ONE.

  Dear Urist Mcasskicker:  Grats on killing 3 fell beasts, a titan, 12 goblins and innumberable other enemies of the fort.   Attaboy.
Dear other 24 members of the military:  Seriously wtf?

  Dear sole survivor of the olmman hunting party:  After watching your titanic 3 year struggles with the giant thing made of salt that turned up in the basement we have decided to call you our friend (I checked the unit screen one day and suddenly he was friendly,  probably a good thing, 3 years nonstop fighting and he would have been a bit of a tank)  I congratulate you on being able to break all of its fingers and toes but I believe that nexttime you should bring something other than a pointy stick to vanquish the horrors of the deep with.

[h3lblad3]

Dear Urist McSoldier,

I understand the death of your close friend has made you question everything.
I understand you are horribly melancholy and upset.
I completely understand you wanting to be a better soldier so you can prevent such things from happening again.

Please stop watching my demonstrations.
You're weirding out your fellow soldiers.

-Your Imaginary Commanding Officer

[FreakyCheeseMan]

Dear Amphibionpersons,

My steel clad, battle-axe wielding, multiple-legendary-skills military are very sensitive. It hurts their feelings when you beat a forgotten beast to within an inch of its life with your wooden spears and bare hands before they can even show up. While I appreciate the kind instinct- if such it can be called- behind leaving the poor winged tarantula alive for them to finish off, and I marvel at the skills neccesary to do so for the months it took us to find you after we started getting mysterious messages about a forgotten beast no longer being enraged, I'm afraid my soldiers took offense at what they probably felt was pity.

Just thought you'd like to know why the two halves of your body are no longer within eyesight of eachother.

Dear Goblins.

We hope to see you again soon. I hope you weren't too put off by the welcome you received on your last ambush, over a year and a half ago, but I promise that if you'd just give us one more chance, at least one of your soldiers will make more than five steps before being cut down by the psychotic cheese graters that are my soldiers.

Yours,

Mayor McGloaty

[KojaK]

Attention all surface personnel:

That goat is not dangerous.

-K

Attention family and friends of the now deceased military:

I must apologize for the deaths of the seven military personnel in the fort. I did not anticipate the downward staircases breaching the caverns. I also did not anticipate the two blind cave ogres deciding to explore said stairs. The military did a good job, beating the two ogres senseless with the pointy sticks, which were serving as training swords. All observable parts were quite bruised. The mechanics did a wonderful job setting up the cage traps that eventually led to the capture of said ogres, which I quickly realized was the only way they would stop being a threat. The military suffered only one casualty during the year-long parade of bruises and blood that occurred on a narrow 1x1 staircase. I also did not anticipate the two simultaneous ambushes that occurred almost immediately after this mishap. Only after the military was obliterated did it occur to me that the blind cave ogres could've been useful. Also- locking the doors to the barracks, preventing the ambushers to enter the fort would've been helpful too.

I dropped the ball on that one. Sorry.

-K

Attention all deceased military:

Stop getting attached to those training swords. I swiped all the stuff from three consecutive trader caravans. Hell, I found an adamantine short sword in my stocks in this last fort!

Also, if you must, remember... a training sword is essentially a pointy stick. Jab and stab, not hack and slash.

-K

[Vercingetorix]

To Whom it may Concern:

1. Stop complaining about long patrol and sleeping without a proper room.  You have a fine room right below the barracks and you haven't been on patrol in months...not to mention the fact that the long patrol was a battle needed to KEEP EVERYONE FROM DYING.

2. It's not my fault the human ambassador was a demon.

3. Please stop engraving skinless demons in the dining room and hospital.  I know you like them, but come on now...draw some of the damn querns you like so much.

4. Same to the guy who thought it was funny to make aluminum statues of flies for the same dining room.  You know I don't check what you're making out of a desire to protect artistic integrity, but that's unacceptable.

5. Please pull the lever when instructed.  We don't need another "flooding incident" in the dining room, now partially covered in mud and decorated resoundingly with flies and demons.

6. Adamantine is for armor, not amulets.

7. Slade does not exist.

[FreakyCheeseMan]

Dear UristMcStoic

Please lie down. Please. We're worried about, really. Everyone in this fortress is grateful for all that you've killed for us- the snakement, the goblins, the forgotten beasts, the elves- and frankly, we all feel you've more than earned a break.

See, the thing is... and I know this may come as a shock to you, as you apparently haven't noticed... but, well, you arm's been cut off. Really. It's lying in the moat, with your adamantine axe still clutched in its fingers.

We all agree you handled the incident in true dwarven fashion-, and we were all very impressed by the way you proceeded to beat the goblin that did it, and the rest of his squad, to death with your shield. But going right back to training afterwards... we feel that may be a bit excessive.

We're not asking you to retire or anything, just... let the doctor take a look at it. If you like, we can get you an adamantine shield afterward. Or, just wait for your arm to grow back out of its stump, because frankly, after seeing what you've already done, we're not going to ask questions. If you want to regenerate lost limbs, we won't stop you.

But please, in the meantime, lie down. This is no time to be stoic. This is certainly no time to impersonate a Monty Python character.

Your arm's been cut off.

[Shaio]

Dear military of stunning incompetence.

You had years of training superior numbers, and superior weapons, yet still you got cut to shreds by half your number in goblins, i forgive this, even with the fact that one of you carried your babys into the combat, i can forgive that, But stop beings emos, your fits have earn't you a suicide missions, enjoy the undead filled caverns, yes dammit you can take your kids with you, ill send emo mcminer to.

Not that i don't appreciate you managing to drive off the 5 goblins at the expense of 15 of you, as such i have given you a barrel of the finest ale, and a small stockpile of food, the remaining 3 of you may toast to your comrades before you begin your march downwards.

Signed, no that wasn't the sound of someone breaching a magma pipe behind you.

[Ledi]

Dear Urist McMiner

Yes, there's a spiral staircase there. However, could you PLEASE finish the floor you are on before going downstairs. I'd like fully mined out rooms before you move on.

Thankyou,

Ledi McFrustrated.

[Samuel]

Dear Migrants,

Hello, and welcome to your new home. It is always good to increase our population, and I could not ask for better dwarves to do so. Please excuse having to sleep in the dirt for the time being, as we are still working on bedrooms.

Onto the subject at hand, I appreciate your initiative in wanting to help plant seeds in the farm without even being asked to do so. I understand that you are having troubles do to an obstruction blocking you from working the soil. However, I am unsure why you are having such difficulty. It is a dead buzzard. You could move it off the farm without effort. Or you could pick it up and throw it for all I care. Staring at it blankly until you get bored and leave will not be tolerated for much longer.

Sincerely,
Your Mysterious Ruler, Samuel.

[takaratiki]

Dear Urist Mc*,

 When you find yourself outside the monstrously deep cheese-grater of death trap that you worked so diligently to create at the entrance of your fort and the goblins arrive, could you please maintain the self-control necessary to return to the fort via said cheese-grater of death trap instead of throwing your stubby wee arms into the air and running around outside of the forts protective walls in a thinly veiled attempt to schuck off this mortal coil? Suicide is maximally un-Dwarvenly, unless you have failed to build the hatch cover of your dreams or are pining for your recently murdered kitten, then it falls well within the limits of culturally acceptable practices. Thank you.

[INSANEcyborg]

Public notice to all caravans:

  As you know, the surrounding area has been classified as "terrifying" and, as such, is extremely dangerous.  Also, in addition to frequent Goblin attacks, Kobald raiding parties have been sighted looting from the surrounding area.  Unfortunately, we are unable to provide military escorts at this time.  Travel is not advised, do so at your own risk.  We cannot be held responsible to any deaths, particularly those caused by announcing your arrival in close proximity to a hostile squad.

 P.S.  In the event you survive, make sure all merchants and animals are inside the depot at all times. Please do not use your horse as a door stopper, or have your guards position on the other side of the wall.

 

[Laiska]

To the completely new Military squad:

1st, welcome to the military. You can find your suit of armor and a weapon of choise near the entrance. You hold the weapon the pointy end outwards, and remember to remove the carcass inside the said armor before use. when you see a war blendec wielding a bow, kill it. dismiss!

Dwarf McLegendary: "You think they survive?"
Dwarf McLeader: "No, and we're out off migrants... Are they pass the bridge?"
"Aye." "Raise it."

[ElChad]

Not sure if this has been adressed.

Dear Peons

 I'm aware the hospital bed is a few feet closer to you than the dormitories. However, please refrain from using it unless you are injured. If you wish, you may be assigned to one of the many more accident prone positions than your current one.

Have a great Obsidian!

[Virodhi]

Dear Urist McMiner,

Your legendary status in one of the truly useful professions earns you quite a lot of patience with your quirks, and none of us here think you less of a dwarf for your fear of lampreys. Also, I understand that working out under the great blue yonder is intimidating after years of tireless service carving out the halls below. And, really, the expansion of the waterfall is an aesthetic touch. There's no rush. If the scary lamprey gets too close, just walk away. You've not done a day's military service in your life, you know. You're kidding no one by playing chicken with the watery fiend. Dodging off the cliff to watery doom far, far below kind of gives it away.

Signed,

The Overseer

Addendum to all junior associates of McMining Soil And Mineral Relocation Corp.: Stop copycatting him, you lackwits.