Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist ARRGHFU--ARMOKDAMMITI'MAKILLYOU--

Ahem.

Dear Urist McMayor,

You like your amulets. That's great. You should share the wealth of them, instead of forbidding us to trade them.

The reason being, we have an abundance of amulets made from some valuable stones, by legendary stoneworkers. Very profitable at the worst of times, but now we have a trade agreement that plants them at 210% usual value. We would be rolling in our new steel goods.

BUT YOUR ARMOK-DAMNED MOTHER-- Ahem. You! You come sprinting to the depot (after nearly a month of breaks and feasts, nonetheless), screaming that we can't trade them. I should have tested the new depot entry bridge on you right then.

Whatever. We've been making some nice earrings and such, too. That would get us by.

But no, you had a goblin chasing after you. One single goblin marksman. Who is immediately pounced upon by the caravan guards. And this goblin, after being beaten into vomiting buy hammerdwarves vastly superior to our own military, manages to loose a single bolt. One. Only one.

And it goes clean into Urist McTrader's ear, and out the other. Which means we have no one to trade with. Which means we'll barely have enough rum and wine to get through the winter, and one of those delightful bolts and steel weapons and armor we waited a whole year for.

As a reward for your excellent leadership in this area, we are installing a window to the caverns in your quarters. We will be cutting the frame out tomorrow, and locking you in to enjoy the breeze until we return to finish the job about ten minutes after that forgotten beast finishes the new coat of Mayor Red paint.

Bastard.

[Krath]

Dear Urist McMiner

I commend you on your swift work mining out the future reservoir for our well. It filled up from the nearby brook and sits below our hospital waiting to be used.

However, you seem to have mined out something wrong. You somehow caused a cave-in and you're now unconscious, stuck in a rapidly filling channel. Your stupidity has been noted and a gift of 500 Dorfbucks has been sent to your widow and children as compensation for any lack of intelligence that your children might show in the near future.

From, your rather angry overlord.

[Fortis]

Dear Urist McStickuphisbutt

I know you aren't the most socially adept member of the fort. Grudges with you have always been a problem. But I find myself wondering JUST WHY THE HELL DO YOU FORM A GRUDGE WITH A FOUR YEAR OLD GIRL AND HER TWO YEAR OLD INFANT SISTER!?

I swear to Armok, you even look at them cross eyed, and I will personally see to it you die slowly and horribly.

Sincerely
Your ever watchful (and vengeful) overlord.

[Harbinger]

Dear Urist McFarmer

I give my condolances to you, on your recent losses in your family. Both of your parents were among the founders of Icecrown, and valuable miners. Your father carked it met his end while mining out our great hall (largely due to his incompetance), and your mother was the unfortunate victim of a dust explosion and the resulting swim in magma.

I fear I must also announce the death of your husband. He passed when stupidly bravely attacking a goblin siege by himself with a copper axe, AFTER being told to withdraw. For this, his name will be erased from our history go down as one of the brave soldiers lost in defence of our home.

As for you, it was easy to decide whether or not you become an axedwarf or miner. Since your husband is already dead, all that is left is you.

Get the pick and report for mining duty on the magma project.

The Overlord.

P.S. I like irony.

[Eric Blank]

Dear Lorbam Astshem,

Please, while tantrumming and en-route to a meeting with the psychiatrist, refrain from toppling any building you happen to walk upon. We really don't enjoy reconstructing every single workshop in the work area just because they was "in your way." And what Kogan said to you does not constitute a hammering.

Your calm and slightly amused administrator.

[Graven]

Dear Urist McWhoever

Please do go on and tantrum for the sixth time. By no means have I specifically stationed you in a burrow containing a single, locked empty room when I noticed your severe unhappiness. Even more so, please do go on and wreck that support I've someone has built in the center of the room. It by no means supports a 5x5 magma-filled cube of I-hate-your-useless-guts.

That is all.

PS. that has nothing to do with you with wasting adamantine bars for your mood resulting in a non-weapon or armour. At all. You have my word for it.

[Johnfalcon99977]

Dear Urist Mc Broker

       It has come to my attention that you have withdrawn from everone else and have been working on something. The problem is that you done this while the traders were here and they had valuable reasourses. Such as beer, which we've had a shortage of. Of course, you did create a very fine trinket, but we have plenty of those. The problem is mainly that, when you were done, you went to the dinning room and proceeded to say some..... unpleasant things about me, my wife, and children. You also quite futher wasted our beer supples in the act. All the time, the traders were still waiting while I clearly requested you to go to them. All you did was scream in my face with awful breath say that I was some rather nasty things. So, I have striped you of your broker status and had you reassigned to a more proper one. Which is the adamantine extraction.
       No no no, not the safe adamantine. The one thats surrounded by magma. And at the slightest misplaced pick could mean a firey and painful death. You have also been moved to the bad side of the fort. You know, the side that floods occationally because of flauty design? You have also been moved in with your sworn enemy "friend", Urist Mc Brewer, to the job. Hope you like your new office.

"With Love"
Urist Mc Leader

_{P.S. Revenge is ever so sweet}

[Zidane]

Dear Urist McWarbear


I but you near my winding entrance tunnel to ward off kobalds and warn me about goblins. You failed in that first task horribly, I mean, how do you get one shotted by a kobald? And How did It reach your head?


I am disappoint.

[Xzalander]

To The Dwarves of Luslemcatten (Puzzling Channels),

While I appreciate your impressive artwork of canals and the human Venice style design, I do not appreciate you neglecting all your duties just to dance in the central garden in the middle of a siege.

We have a fortress with a single entrypoint for a reason. We as a city might have chosen to follow the path of Surface Dwarves, but I assure there is nothing dangerous in that fortress. The next time the lonely Beacon Guard lights the Pyre and blows the Horn of Armok you get your butt inside so we can seal the doors.

While we appreciate you managed to stay alive by jumping into the Channelflow that leads to the Pumping Filters and enter the fort that way, thus showing us a possible loophole, we do not appreciate having 17 out of 24 dwarves in hospital for Water damage to their lungs and digestive tracts.

The next time you try such a stunt I shall cease the water pumps in the filter chamber and let you drown.

Your Benevolent Benefactor.

[schussel]

Dear uristMcdeconstructor

you are an idiot ... taken for the job the replace the one not magmaproof hatch at the magma psiton .. and you manage to fall 100z-levels ... unfortunately your death was swift und fiery ... undeserved.

laughing mad

the Administrator

Dear Former Mayor of the Fortress,

you had to do it, hu? first you want steel items when our forge is not anywhere near ready for 3 steel axes .. and you even manage to incarcerate the only legendary miner we had  disposable right at the start of the magma piston project (you know that 100-z-lvl digout). and then you get the mood to demand aluminium stuff where the whole map lacks of it ...  well how do you feel now locked under the trade depots bridge with that annoying liaison .. lets see who dies of thirst first or goes berzerk

hating your existence

the Administrator

[Xzalander]

To The Dwarves of Luslemcatten (Puzzling Channels),

Instead of complaining of thirst get digging to redirect the damn river! Once its redirected you'll have a fresh flowing source of water and fish THROUGH the fort!

Your annoyed, but still benevolent benefactor.

[Keldane]

Dear Urist McBrokerandLeader,

I realize you really do not want to meet with the outpost liaison. It was evident when, despite having every labor turned off, you insisted on hauling things around. However, it is utterly unacceptable - if hilarious, in the short term - for you to trick the liaison into standing on the wrong side of the floodgate you're currently installing. I am sure he will have some words for you when he is released.

Sincerely,
The Management.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McAnimaltrainer,

Okay, after loosing a couple immigrant waves to constant goblin ambushes, and you being the sole survivor of one, I thought you might actually have a useful skill as our first animal trainer, even if you were only dabbling.

Great job practicing on a couple wardogs first. Remind me to actually issue them to the military.

One animal, though, I can't bring myself to issue.

I know it didn't get into the depot, and I'm absolutely certain I didn't see it in one of the goblin-razed carts, or come in with the elves, and it didn't even show up on the list of creatures and goods until you trained it.

So I'm forced to assume that you decided to stop messing around with the dogs, went out, and drug a live and very healthy tiger back by the tail, and trained it into a war animal.

This war tiger has been prowling around the bridge for the last couple monthes, and has more than proven its worth. One ambush wave only took one shot at it before running.

Report to your newly engraved rooms. Your bed has been replaced with the newest artifact bed, green glass with a silver scene of the local god of murder striking down goblins. All the rest of your furniture is masterwork marble.

Enjoy your promotion, Urist McBadass.

[Musashi]

Dear migrants,

please stop coming if you're not at least Adequate in a useful skill. I am tired of seeing you're barely novice at your job. Beside, "Milker" isn't useful here. "Strand extractor" isn't either. Nor is "Fisherdwarf", or "Fish Cleaner", or anything to do with fish.
It is entirely your fault if I have made a squad just for you unskilled rookies. You're all good meatshields, than I can give you. Every single one of you is otherwise a waste of (unbuilt) bedroom, food, booze, and FPS.

Hope you'll understand,
Your Overseer who wonders if you are all from Boatmurdered or Headshoot or something that would make you think my fortress is safer.

[Flaede]

Dear Urist McBrokerandLeader,

I realize you really do not want to meet with the outpost liaison. It was evident when, despite having every labor turned off, you insisted on hauling things around. However, it is utterly unacceptable - if hilarious, in the short term - for you to trick the liaison into standing on the wrong side of the floodgate you're currently installing. I am sure he will have some words for you when he is released.

Sincerely,
The Management.

Oh, that is awesome.