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[Rhaken]

Dear Nguslu Ozudosmum, Goblin Maceman,

Congratulations on being the sole survivor of the MEG (Mirrorbeards Entrance Gauntlet). The skeletal elephants and troglodytes down in the pit you are currently locked in managed to slay every single goblin that fell inside, mounts and all. They even broke your leader's brain, thus routing the entire remainder of the sieging force.

You, however, managed to not only outlast your peers, you managed to defeat the entire horde of undead locked in there with you. And with a broken lower spine, no less. The dwarves of Mirrorbeards salute your skill, bravery, tenacity, and sheer fucking balls.

In case you are wondering, the cacophony going on beyond the floodgate is the Mirrorbeards animal trainer, taking down the wall that keeps the pit permanently locked, surrounded by his entire rabid horde of wardogs. Rest assured, however, that they are not there to kill you. Due to your bravery, the dwarves of Mirrorbeards have decided to set you free. Go home and tell your tale to the world. You deserve it.

Sincerely and in awe,
the Administration of Mirrorbeards



Dear warriors of The Armored Ignition,

Report to the MEG maintenance shaft immediately. The time has come to clean out the skelephant pit. Be wary of the goblin crawling around on the floor. That one goblin single-handedly wrecked all the undead we had locked up inside.

Hop to it,
the Administration of Mirrorbeards.

[Ze Spy]

Urist Mcnoble ,

Heck no , that room is for our Veteran and Last remaining founder Ancient Hell , who had went in and out of Hell without getting killed and taking down the whole Demon army with his own damn hands , and also protected the fortress from Numberous Skeleton Sieges , While YOU are just the idiotic noble that comes along and demands the best shit

I hope you don't mind that i installed a Magma flooder in your room and Locked you in , have fun while it lasts , dumbshit

-Demigod that controls the fortress , With the last part written by Ancient Hell

To Urist McCheesemaker

No , no , there are no maggots in here , haul your ass to the do-it-yourself execution chamber

-That guy from the future controling the fortress using a computer

[Deus Machina]

Dear elven merchants,

Seriously, what's the issue here? Nothing I tried to trade to you is wood. They're all stone crafts and cat-skull totems. I can see being upset a bit over the totems, but those used to be kittens, not trees. Deal with it, you pale pointy-eared pansies.

Fine, if you're so upset, we're going to lower the entrance bridge so you can leave. See how much you prefer that over our safe, warm depot.

Your next caravan will remember you by the fancy new totems we give them. We'll tape your dried ears onto them just to get the point across.

Have fun with the goblins out there, pusscakes.

-The overseer, who never looked forward to taking your -featherwood piccolos- quite so much.

[ext0l]

To military:

STOP USING THE WOODEN SPEARS AND PICK UP THE ADAMANTINE ONESSSS

Thank you.

[Ze Spy]

To Urist Mcindestructable

Die already

-your Annoyed Demigod

[ungulateman]

To everybody (yes, even you, Starting Seven):

Stop with the skill rust and the attribute decay. I mean it.

[Deus Machina]

Dear aforementioned pointy-eared morons-

When you get pissed off over me trying to trade you wood (which I didn't do; sorry for leaving my few thousand logs surrounded the depot, you hippies) and announce that you've started on your journey, that means you actually have to leave. You can't sit exactly where you were, lean your head around a corner, see the goblins rushing toward the drawbridge (that I lowered for you, you idiots), and announce "Oh, well, never mind." and sit right where you are.

Get over your damned righteous tree-hugging camelpiles and trade, or leave. You have until this wall around you is finished to pick one.

[CapnUrist]

Dear Urvad "Fiercesilvers" Zikelral:

As the first dwarven child this Overseer has had the pleasure to witness entering a strange, secretive mood, I am both enraged and crestfallen at your decision to demand shells from a fortress miles from either river or ocean. However, I have decided that the event warrants celebration nonetheless. I thereby bestow upon you three of our finest war-dogs, to cherish and love until the day you die. Also, I feel the need to inform you that your father loves you very much, and will think of you often when he isn't admiring the Magma Smelters.

Sincerely,
Your Benevolent Overseer

P.S. We're locking the door to your workshop merely to ensure that no one disturbs you while you bond with your new pets.

[The_Final_Stand]

Dear all parents.

Please keep your loved ones outside of the danger room. It is named that way for a reason. I will not be sympathetic if your child is impaled on a spike because they couldn't tell that spiky = bad.

Sincerely
The Administration

[Musashi]

Dear mayor,

STOP SLEEPING AND DRINKING. YOU HAVE ONE DIPLOMAT AND ONE OUTPOST LIAISON FROM LAST YEAR WAITING TO FINISH PROMOTING YOU INTO A BARON. Geez, you really ARE a spoiled teenager.

Love,

Your Overseer who only likes you for your easily satisfied mandates and bans.

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear UristMcCount,

Fuck you. Okay, sure, we couldn't meet your demands for the arachna silk items.
Or the zinc items.
Or the mini-forges.
Or the gauntlets.
But that doesn't mean pick 4 random dwarves from our dining hall and sentence them to 101 days in prison! You took our best furnace operator, our best miner, our best armorsmith and some random engraver! I hate you so much right now, please report to the caverns immediately, no don't mind the giant skinless iguana with exterior ribs and a giant stinger.

[Horizon9]

Dear Urist McMiner,

Your efforts in the expansion of this fortress are, or were, admirable. The higher-ups are pleased with your work, and if you were still alive, we would have compensated your discovery of an underground cavern with a refurbished living space. However, you somehow managed to trap yourself underground before said discovery, and you proceeded to die from dehydration. The entirety of The Fortress Of Silence mourned your death as much as appropriate. Which was not much.

We do not accept carelessness within The Dark Silence. Your corpse will be retrieved when needed. Your associates shall not be as careless as you were, on pain of death. You will not be buried within a tomb.

Consider your orders more thoroughly next time.
The Dark Silence

[Samuel]

Dear Ghostly Miner,
Now, I'll cede that the whole broken spine thing is probably my fault. I'll admit I should have made sure to have a hospital set up early, given my track record with dwarves getting critically injured. However, I think you should be aware I was only seconds late getting the well built that probably would have saved you. Which brings me to how I dealt with your body.

Getting dumped into a volcano seems a very dwarfy burial ritual, does it not? Like, when you get to the afterlife, and everybody's all "Yeah, I was in coffin #42" And you'd be all "Yeah? I got dumped into a volcano."

But if you insist on a memorial slab, fine by me, I guess. We here at Clasplake have a progressive attitude towards you "Elf-In-Dwarf-Body" types.

Signed,
The guy who's taking your slab down immediately after it's built, just to see if you come back.

[Tarran]

Dear dwarves of my fortress:

When I set the civ alert status to PANICSTATUS, I want you to run to burrow 1. Not run around completely avoiding the safety of the fortress and get slaughtered like an IDIOT.

Signed; your overlord/god/personthatcontrolsyouallthroughagame.

[Dr_Pylons]

Dear Masons:
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP STANDING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF SHIT I'M TRYING TO WALL OFF I'M FUCKING SICK OF HAVING TO STOP CONSTRUCTION EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU TRY TO BUILD A WALL WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY THERE IS AN INSIDE AND AN OUTSIDE AND I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURE YOU KNOW WHICH IS WHICH

SINCERELY,
;LKDSAJFL;SKDJF;ALKSJDF;LAKSJDFL;AHSGREUAHYEWSIOPUYTFA