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[Caesar]

Dear Master Armorsmith,

As highly valued member of the Fortress of Boundhatchet and the local government of The Tomb of Crows, you are expected to do a lot of good work to contribute to our ever-growing society. I am pleased to tell you that so far, your masterful armors and exceptional work have managed to amaze even the simplest of our Dwarven minds.

Yet I, your friendly overseer, have one point of criticism. Next time you get possessed and haul only one silver bar to the metalsmith's forge, please, just please, do not make it a silver one. I would also appreciate it if you would not immediately start the construction of your artifact armor using said almost useless metal. Last, but not least, I will have you demoted to goblin fodder next time you decide to not work on your artifact at all when I decide to forbid the useless materials you would have decided to use and then go stark raving mad.

Sincerely,

The Overseer

[Greiger]

Dear ranged military squad.

Congratulations, you have the largest number of kills for a military squad I have had the honor to command yet.  All of you have a title, 3 of you have a notable killcount in the teens.

However your insistence of racking up kills is getting in the way of strategy.  An Elite Crossbow Orc showed up leading a squad.  I knew he would be smart enough to start firing on your position.  I also knew you would not be smart enough to target him and only him, and even if one of you did decide to target him, he is surrounded byt a large wall of orc meat that would likely intercept the bolts before they reached him.

Naturally as an experienced and sane commander I ordered your squad to fall back.  Allow the elite orc to pass into the killing fields, where the melee military would make mincemeat out of the crossboworc and his squad in the specially designed anti-archer room.  You failed to comply.

The orc almost ran out of bolts before the slaughter of his fellows caused the retreat.  6 of you are laid up in the hospital and probably will be for some time for bolt extraction surgery.  Vhisk is highly unlikely to ever walk again thanks to a bolt that cut the nervous tissue in his lower spine.  And Captain Raerth is dead, bolt to the head.

Be glad that orc couldn't aim, or more of you would be testing out the roomyness of your tombs.  Follow orders next time.   Remember, your job can easily be replaced with magma.

The Administration.

------------------

Dear Designer of the fortifications above the front gate.

You are fired.  Those fortifications didn't stop shit.

The administration.

-----------------

Post Script to the medical staff of SmoulderCrater

What the hell? I keep plenty of soap in stock, you have the opportunity to respond quickly to the wounded and do so.  and 3 of the 6 recently wounded archers that have come into the hospital have infections?

That is a 50% failure rate!  There were better odds of survival back before we HAD soap!  And that's not counting the poor guy with the punctured liver you failed to even diagnose yet.  The medical records show the use of donkey soap.  But clearly somebody is either fudging the paperwork or you are all doing an incompetent cleaning job.  Welcome to the military, be sure to collect your crossbows from the ex-military currently suffering slow painful deaths from infection.

You sicken me.

The (pissed off) Administration.

[Falc]

To my miners,

When I ask you to dig a channel from point A to point B, it is not okay to dig from point A to one tile away from point B and then have the both of you run off to some other task I had given earlier which you hadn't finished either.

FINISH WHAT YOU START!

[schussel]

Dear Former Female Captain of the Guard aka "The Diamond Nose of Pregnancies" (kinda lampshading hu?),

you know we are leading in equal rights so we made you Captain because of your extreme high stats and your eagerness to kill off Goblins as a civilian. You were Axelord within 1 month training spearmaster within 1 more and you are an evil mean fighting machine.  your Killcount  after the last Invasion of Stranglers goes beyond the 20s.

We also are proud of your reproduction abilities. But .. dropping 2 Babies while training in the dangerroom is not too well. We feel with your for those instant losses (you should have seen it coming though). Since for being a women and an alcoholic dwarf your mood is going up between ecstatic and miserable that often we decided to relieve you from the military so you can enjoy doing nothing until you die or flip out.

Please accept the nice Obsidian Statue to your room as a bonus present and be assured, should the evil tantrum demon or the ghosts of your kids (as you know we encourage to not bury any dead) find you the new Guard Leader and his 4 soldiers + the newborn Spear squad will release you from your misery swiftly and with maximum gore. So be aware we took away all your steel armor and weapons  for your own safety.

Happy looming in despair

the Administrators

PS: there you go .. murdering that poor cat and going berzerk ... ok 300days in prison for the berzerk thing and -100 for killing that darn kitten .. enjoy your stay

Dear New Captain of the Guard,

that sobbing thing there is your predecessor. Watch her closely as shes legendary in 4 weapons, armor,dodging,striking,fighting and shieldbearing. We hopefully managed to strip her of everything but that doesnt include her stats that are far superior to yours... so any mad Wrinkle in her eyes is to be answered with full force of all your soldiers. Squad B is instructed as well to support you .. the construction of a siege engine in the Dinenr room would be adviseable i know but well colateral damage is a somewhat issue. Good Luck and dont trip stepping in those footsteps

the Administrators

PS: Cudos to your engagement when the suspect went berzerk wrestling the dead cat off her hands and beating her to submission so you could jail her... we appreciate

[alesia]

Dear merchants of various species:

While I appreciate your attention to detail in studding and embellishing your metalcrafts with various bits of stone, wood and cloth, I would like to point out that the dwarves of Dallithosed only purchase said metal goods in order to melt them down for the component bronze, mithril, etc.  While we are happy to load you down with a plethora of glass whatsits in exchange for your metals, however overpriced they may be, your own citizens may appreciate them more than ours, as the stuff just ends up at the bottom of the volcano anyway.

Your friend in garbage-hauling trade,
The Management

[Musashi]

Dear captain of the guard, and autoproclaimed hammerdwarf,

you are actually a marksdwarf. Crazy, huh?
The oddly-shaped metal thing in your hands... that's a bismuth bronze crossbow I stole from a corpse. Not a war hammer. Really.
Do not complain if you ever happen to be standing too close to the Forgotten Beast and having your left hand torn off. Oops, that is exactly what just happened!
At least you're not clogging my already crowded hospital. Hope being a cripple helps you understand how to load and shoot a crossbow properly.

Welcome to the ranks of the Scarred of Windslap,

your Overseer

[ZachUSAman]

Dear urist mcbaron,

I never thought I would be addressing you in such a manner, but it seems that times change.
As one of the original seven, and notably, one of the only surviving ones you were by far the greatest. You led the group to my humble mountain and your mining abilities made quick work of the rock before us.
As our fort grew, you grew from a respectable dwarf to a great leader, and I was honored to make you mayor.

When we needed a depot? you built it and became the legendary broker. When the military was defeated by deer? you led them to reform, and at the front of the group you took, nay, destroyed a dragon and raked up a very nice 30 kills.
When the time came for a Baron to be chosen, I turned to you once again expecting nothing less than the greatness you have shown before and for a while it was apparent I had not chosen wrong, but you changed.

The first signs were the demands for adamantine, but I can relate because I too want some adamantine, would be great for the military. We didnt meet your mandates but I made up for it by giving you an artifact quality bed and statue, the one we got from the bronze colossus (you remember because you helped slay it).
The next signs came from the excess amount of breaks and sleeping. Perhaps you were overworked, so I relieved you of military duty and mayor duty.

The final straw came when the dwarves came loaded with iron and steel and valuables we desperately needed. You however decided to go from break to drink to eat to sleep in a perfect cycle, oblivious to the merchants waiting to trade. Finally before they left I managed to get a dwarf there and buy our supplies, but at nearly twice what I could have gotten them.
Then you decide to seek justice against our armorsmith who "wronged" you by not making you adamantine items by having him beaten. However, you decided that the dwarf named MCHAMMER, whos got a named shield, steeel hammer, and 60 kills to his name was suitable to dispense justice.
needless to say the armorsmith died, and now we are left with a rookie armorsmith and an army in need of steel armor.
I am going to make rooms, and I will fill these rooms with water and drown nobles in it. I will either make you the first to go in it or I will fill it with corpses and let you think about what you've done while staring at the corpses. maybe it will encourage a change in thought.

P.S urist mcjanitor
clean up the fucking fort. we have had 3 of these dang spewing bosses which resulted in literally everyone throwing up. its nasty and it doesnt help that the vomit is colored brown so it looks like we suddenly had a massive fiber binge.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Dr. McUrist--

Please run physicals on all the dwarves currently in military service. We just lost seven men to a goblin ambush that turned into a larger force than the sieges I've seen, and all but two were by a single goblin. Said goblin either has more surgical experience than you do, or we have an outbreak of inflamed pancreaseseses... Pancrei?

Whatever, I would honestly expect the dwarven liver to be a much larger target, but Stosbub McStabby over here just handily perforated five separate dwarves' pancreasticles. Start checking for that before admitting dwarves into the military.

--Your overseer, inspecting himself for lumps.

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear soldiers,

I know that you have trained for years for your first conflict, practicing every day for hours in that sweaty steel armor. I must congratulate you for killing 4 ambushes all at once, the whole 10 of you.

But getting your ass handed to you by a single trollkin who isn't even wearing armor is just unacceptable. You won't be buried.

[Corona688]

I mean more like "stop being interrupted by something that's not currently hurting you".

I once had a miner who was missing an eye.  He was the best miner ever because he couldn't see harmless moles across the chasm.

[Samuel]

Dear Miner,
You certainly showed cleverness in diving into the water to escape the troglodytes. Never mind that our best soldiers were already curb stomping the ugly bastards and probably would have saved your ass if you'd just stayed put. I mean that, it was a clever strategy. I only have one small complaint: Would it not have been a better idea to jump into a place you new you could eventually swim out of? No? It had to be a spot you'd inevitably drown in three tiles away from an upward slope out of the pool? Fine then. I'll see you in Hell. No, literally, that adamantine you were mining before the troglodyte attack is probably part of a shaft. We're basically poking a nuclear bomb with a stick at the moment.

Signed,
Your Overlord

PS Your body will not be retrieved.

[Vorthon]

Dear dwarves,

I let it slide at first. But you just had to keep doing it. Over and over and over and over and over. I swear if any of you spam the annoucement log with Urist mcDwarf, whatever Cancels Clean Self: Area inaccessible, I will turn on the tap for the new farming plots and leave it on until you all drown. Seriously! There's plenty of soap! How the hell do you have trouble reaching your own bodies? I mean, sure, the broker's missing a hand, and the manager's missing her entire left arm, and there's that one peasant whose right arm is just kinda dangling there because of the severed nerve, but you've all got at least one functioning hand!

sincerely, your increasingly pissed off overlord.

[charred_gp]

Dear marksdwarves,

You know that room with the archery targets? The ones you can TRAIN at?! Go there. I heard they are particularly vulnerable to the 200 frigging bolts we have set aside SPECIFICALLY to shoot at the targets.

P.S. Please tell Urist McQuiverless that taking your quiver off during training is a bad idea.

[Samuel]

Dear Baroness,
Dear God in Heaven, lady. They traded the coins before you even prohibited it. They traded the coins before you even became a noble! I'm sure it sends a great message to everybody that the first thing you've ever given this fortress is a hallway full of dead people.

Signed,
Your Overlord who really regrets not building that prison.

[VonCede]

Dear Archery Squad "The Lost Archers",

You really make your squad name stand. I just can't express how I ave your lostness. Ordered to guard the small burrow that is split half with fortification, staring those two Ogres standing there in other side. Fidgeting your crossbows in your sweaty little palms and counting those wooden and bone bolts in your cat skin quivers. I know, there is 25 of them there, I counted them myself too.

But can you please fire them? Like you did 2 months ago? Do you remeber that? Bolts sticking out from bleeding and screaming ogres that tried to claw their way trough the fortification? Or did you drown your last two semifunctional braincells in dwarwen wine while you were not on active duty last month?

I even gave you an order to kill them but you still stand there staring them while they make rude gestures to you, your thumbs up in your..

Nevermind, just go to stand station in DAS landing area , I'm pretty sure there will be some gobling snatchers coming there. Then we shall see how "Lost" you really can get.

Yours truly.

PS. Stop dropping your equipment there. Haulers are still scared about those living Ogres.