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[thunderclan]

To all Dwarves,

In case you're wondering why you've been moving in slow motion for the last couple years its because the sheer amount of stuff laying around has brought the entire world nearly to a halt! That is why I ordered you to dump all the junk into the magma pit.

That doesn't mean walk up the mountain to grab a rock, see a mountain goat, scream in terror and run back down the mountain.

Sincerely,

Your ever more annoyed Leader

Ps, The rumors of a room full of spikes are completely false. Anyone found spreading such rumors will be asked to report to the lower levels for a special job.

[Flaede]

Der Ms. Neverguile, the ninja assassin.
Congrats on the ironic name there, but what were you thinking biting the balor. You'd already cut off his massive flaming sword, and were wielding it, somehow still invisible while carrying a giant burning brand. Why did you not hit him with it, instead of biting him in the leg?

Congrats on surviving, though. Man. Impressive, but upon examination I notice Your Head Is Melted.

PS DUDE. your head isn't melted anymore. How'd you do that?

[glopso]

Dear Urist:

Great job, you've been a good dwarf this year!

[Mantonio]

Yes, I know I seem to be writing a lot of these. But this is a good way to get rid of frustrations with this game.

To Military

BY ARMOKS FLAMING TESTICLES, JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? WHEN I DIRECTLY TELL YOU TO ATTACK THE BLOODY GOBLINS TEN URISTS AWAY, DON'T JUST STAND AROUND YOUR COMRADE WITH THE BROKEN LEG! DON'T JUST GO PUT ITEMS IN THE STOCKPILE EITHER!

KILL!

THE!

BLOODY!

GOBLINS!

GOD I HATE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH!

Screw you, I hope you all die horrible
- The Administration

[Korva]

Dear mayor of Shadowguard,

You have held this office uncontested for several years now, and your love of steel has made you an extraordinarily easy noble to satisfy. Until now. I do not have reacher leather. I have never even SEEN a reacher, and I bet neither have you. If you think I'm going to lock up valuable soldiers -- who, I might add, aren't responsible for our lack of reachers in any way -- for 100+ days, you are a moron. Especially with all the goblin action we have going on here. Maybe you'd like to replace them on the front? You have no family nor useful skills, so do not tempt me into arranging my first ever "pesky noble disposal".

Go back to demanding steel items, or forbid experts of leather that we don't even have, for all I care. Else you may find yourself looking at the business end of a goblin mace before long.




Dear Militia,

When I order you to kill that goblin or move into the middle of the invader squad and start kicking arse, you are bloody well going to do so. ALL OF YOU. IMMEDIATELY. It is extraordinarily bad form to let only a few brave sods charge in while the rest of you stand back twiddling your thumbs for a minute until you deign to move. And no, "letting the newbies get some kills too" is not an acceptable excuse. HIKE, SOLDIER!

[imperium3]

Dear Urist McDoctor,

The militia commander's eye is missing! Don't you think that might be worthy of investigation?

The Management

PS If your incompetency continues then I'll be sending you down in the deep exploration squad...

[Dakk]

Dear military,

I would greatly apreciate if you stopped getting drinks and sleeping and actualy listened to my kill order so we can do something about that towering forgotten beast in the dining room.

Dear dwarves,

I know you're all scared of the goblins currently walking through the entrance hallway, but could ou please stop drinking and pull the lever that seals off the entrance and squashes them under strategicaly place drawbridges?

Dear siege operator,

Please remain on your post and use the small booze and food stockpile I made just for you instead of runnng 10 z levels to get some in the dining room. Also I'd also apreciate if you used the ballista instead of running when the creeps from the underworld try to invade.


Dear miner,

When I order you to channel a large area, please refrain from getting your fellow miners stranded in a small island in the center of the channeled area, it'd me save lots of time micromanaging.


Dear mayor,

This is a glacier, there's no sand for your glass throne here, fuck you.


Dear philosopher,

I know you loved your dog very much, but starting a fight to vent your feelings and crippling the jeweller doesn't seem like a very philophery thing to do.

Dear high master milker,

You're now an engraver.

[Samuel]

Dear Forgotten Beast,

YOU ARE MADE OF SALT! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SWIM! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY STAIRCASE!

Signed,
A terrified surface-dweller

[Musashi]

Dear Forgotten Beast,

YOU ARE MADE OF SALT! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SWIM! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY STAIRCASE!

Signed,
A terrified surface-dweller

You met it, too?




Dear ex-captain of the guard,

crossbows are for shooting. Same goes for artifact crossbows. No exception. The fact you became an elite crossbowdwarf mere frames before death will only affect your title in the otherworld.
Enjoy Heaven! Or Hell. Whatever. And don't come back as a ghost, or I will make you a slab, and this slab will be put in a very undignified place for the building destroyers to, well, destroy.

No love,

Your Overseer who shall finish her megaproject, whether you and the rest of you cretinous dorfs want it or not

[Ze Spy]

Dear Urist Mccrossbowdwarf

Look , When that forgotten beast that just can't die Came , i asked you to KEEP SHOOTING IT , not GO DOWN THERE AND TRY TO HIT IT

In short order , you've Pissed off Every single damn Axelord down there Hoping to Get a Weakened Forgotten beast and not a Goddamn Surprise of Getting Killed because they Though that The Forgotten beast had Bolts in him , Not scratches done by your damn Crossbow bashes

Idiot
--------------------------------------------------

To Urist McOhlookifoundasock

Right , i asked you to Get downhill for the sake of avoiding a Miner-class Loss when they are already rare , and the hell you did? you just stood there and looked at a sock while the Goblins advance on you

Thanks , now we have only one miner that couldn't even walk right

-That guy that Didn't even exist barking orders at you

[Loyal]

To "Tuesday" the Miner:

Look, I admit when I did wrong - I should have used a support to handle that cave-in instead of sending you to pick off the last connecting floor. I can understand if you're a bit angry with me for being responsible for the resulting broken leg and foot, and for not having a hospital set up to treat you. It was the beginning of the fort, sacrifices had to be made. I congratulate you on continuing to work in spite of your injuries, in spite of spending the first couple weeks randomly going unconscious from the pain.

But we have a working hospital now. There's no need for you to continue running around on that leg like that - please report to Doctor Bonesaw for treatment.

[ZergSpartan]

Dear Urist McHaulers,
Please pit the animals the elves have so kindly brought us (Right before they burst into flame) I have something special in mind for them.
-Love, The Overseer

Dear Invader McBuildingDestroyer,
Thank you for breaking down that door in the entryway for me, the idiots dwarves did not have time to hook it to a lever before your force arrived. Enjoy the 132 assorted war animals that came frothing out of that small cubbyhole. They will be thanking you personally, and on my behalf.
-Love, The Overseer
PS: Oooooh, Chunky Salsa!

[Knick]

Dear Urist McLegendary Miner

When Goblin ambushes appear at our relatively new fort, run.  Don't stand there looking at flowers.  Run.  Run for the fort.  Seriously--they're right behind. . .

Oh.  Never mind.  I guess I can just train a replacement.

Yours sincerely,

The Overseer.

[Greiger]

To Turi (redundant) Legendary leatherworker.

You are an idiot.  You are in the newly constructed animal airlock system.  It is ready to be put into use.  However for some reason you decided to walk into the butchering section when the bars were getting closed and got locked in.

So I opened up the lock to let you out.  You refused to move.  Then I ordered you to pull the emergency lever to open up the airlock on your side.  You dutifully complied.  And the bars opened.   After that I ordered you to pull the lever inside the airlock, that was designed to close the bars behind you and lower the bridge so you could get out.

You pulled the lever...then immediately ran back into the room before the bars closed.  What the hell is wrong with you?  I reset the system and tried again, and again you performed with great stupidity.  I assigned you to the newly designated "Cure for Stupid" burrow that was supposed to keep you from running back to your favorite spot.  That also failed as you seem to be intent on ignoring burrow orders.

A door is being installed to prevent your new stupidity.  I did not want to use a door, I thought the bars looked stylish but you have forced my hand.  Should you somehow foil THIS system I am leaving you inside with all the animal crap to rot.  I will place a memorial below the bridge where all the falling goblins go to die just so you won't haunt the animals for fornicating on your corpse after your death.

The administration

[imperium3]

Dear Urist McExDoctor,

It seems that not only were you a useless doctor, you also make an exceptionally disobedient soldier. I ordered you to explore the new layer of caverns we recently discovered. So why are you still wandering between the armoury and the booze stocks?

Please report to the magma cistern immediately for... cleaning duties.

The Management

_______________________

Dear Urist McMason,

Yes, it is a pretty waterfall. However it's also a leak in our new power generator. Stop appreciating it and seal the damn thing!#

The Management