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[Dunamisdeos]

Dear Urist McGelder,

How did you achieve High Master gelder? That sounds more like a title than a level of skill. Is there an association of gelders, perhaps with it's own shadowy council that assigns rank to its members? Is there a test?

Also, it's the year 02, and your civilization on only has 20-ish animals.

Thanks

[escondida]

Dear Urist McGelder,

How did you achieve High Master gelder? [....] it's the year 02, and your civilization on only has 20-ish animals.

By my beard! Ain't twenny enou'? Why the 'ell d'ye think Ah went inta this business in th' first place? Ah'm gonna make damn sure my people never have more than twenny animals ta deal wit' if it's the last thing Ah do!

[StrikaAmaru]

Dear Shorast I-Can't-Be-Arsed-To-Spell-Your-Last-Name,

You are running FROM a measly kobold, and INTO the teeth of a goblin siege. Meditate on that.

Respectfully,
-- the one who won't send the military after your stupid ass.

(edit: she actually made it, because kobbie went right, she fled left, and the siege had spawned relatively far from fort entry)

[Skribbblie]

Dear Ser Stabfissure, Officer,

As you are the only current member of the fort's militia, I must ask you to run faster when help is needed. The Werebuffalo has accosted us twice now, at the cost of baby animals and a few copper bolts, but we might not be so lucky next time.

Additionally, please carry this message to all of our miners (and enforce it accordingly):

Miners, please be more careful whilst digging the massive trench around the fort. I am honestly unsure how you keep causing cave-ins, but I keep having flashbacks of when our second legendary miner was flung into the flooded corner of the trench and spent so long floundering around that he became skilled in the art of swimming before he finally managed to grab the (third) newly-constructed ledge we made.

Failure to comply with this warning will result in immediate and automatic torture by cave-in dust.

Sincerely,
The Voice In Your Heads

[StrikaAmaru]

Also, "gelding" is a thing now. Just a thought.

Not in 34.11... plus they're all female cats (hence kitten-makers) so gelding wouldn't help anyway.

[Evaris]

Dear Urist McDoctor:

I brought you along as a member of the starting seven in the hopes you would be capable of treating any injuries sustained by other dwarves on account of our embark in a savage biome.  While your deeds in attacking that alligator were indeed heroic, your death at the hands of said alligator (who proceeded to be killed by our war dogs which were brought along for that particular purpose) means that three years in and under siege once again, are still without a doctor.  I continue to pray our traps prove sufficient and that I won't have to pass along one of the injured to an unpracticed diagnostician.  In good news, though you have rotted into a skeleton, we have finally finished the first room in the catecombs, and you have the honor of being the first to get a coffin. 


Dear Crossbow squad:
When we captured the cyclops, and I ordered fortifications set up to contain it so you could dispatch it without issues, I do believe I gave you a kill order.  Not an order for 3/4ths of you to be terrified with fright and do nothing for well over a month.  While two among you did continue to pelt it with bolts, I was further disappointed by your inability to hit anything important.  Still, the two who did something will be happy to find their new promotions to militia captains and an increase in ration alotment.   The rest of you should hope we don't see another siege anytime soon that manages to get past our traps, as you will find yourselves on the front line for the sake of live training.


Dear Urist McMayor:
I understand your fascination with flails.  Really, I do.  Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing.  However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat.  And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea.  As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered. 

[Bumber]

Dear Urist McMayor:
I understand your fascination with flails.  Really, I do.  Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing.  However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat.  And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea.  As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered.

Flails are actually net positive on metal for smelting. Kind of a moot point, though, since flails are foreign weapons. You can't order them made unless you're using modded raws.

[Evaris]

Dear Urist McMayor:
I understand your fascination with flails.  Really, I do.  Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing.  However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat.  And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea.  As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered.

Flails are actually net positive on metal for smelting. Kind of a moot point, though, since flails are foreign weapons. You can't order them made unless you're using modded raws.

Orichalcum has them available to make, so.. yeah.  *points to sig*

[pisskop]

The solution is to buff them.  Make them slower to swing with more velocity and a much longer recovery phase.

Also maybe a smaller contact point, at the expense of adding a redundant or suboptimal attack.  Thattll make them more balanced in the hands of the good ol' ai.

Also a minsize increase will help limit who can use them, afa dwarves.

[Evaris]

The solution is to buff them.  Make them slower to swing with more velocity and a much longer recovery phase.

Also maybe a smaller contact point, at the expense of adding a redundant or suboptimal attack.  Thattll make them more balanced in the hands of the good ol' ai.

Also a minsize increase will help limit who can use them, afa dwarves.

The problem is game physics, which is why the maul sucks as well right now.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Regardless of that, giving them a smaller contact point with a slower swing would make them simply a weaker warhammer.    Alternatively, I could try buffing the velocity multiplier, but meh.  I prefer morningstars most of the time, and even if the game had realistic physics, a flail would just be a slightly harder, but significantly slower hitting mace.  (or morningstar if it had spikes.)  Which still leaves my preference for the morningstar. 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[ITEM_WEAPON:ITEM_WEAPON_HAMMER_WAR]  [ITEM_WEAPON:ITEM_WEAPON_FLAIL]
[ATTACK:BLUNT:10:200:bash:bashes:NO_SUB:2000]  [ATTACK:BLUNT:200:4000:bash:bashes:NO_SUB:2500]

Really, the game physics are just stacked against the flail right now.

[Callista]

Dear Human Merchants:
I think my Human language is a bit rusty, because when you say you're "still unloading" and "will be ready soon", it seems evident that you mean "coming to the depot by swimming across the lake" and "dragging your poor pack animals behind you".

Please either send a language instructor with the next caravan, or stop being so utterly, ridiculously dumb.
Monom Mishimatir, Broker.

[escondida]

Dear Human Merchants:
I think my Human language is a bit rusty, because when you say you're "still unloading" and "will be ready soon", it seems evident that you mean "coming to the depot by swimming across the lake" and "dragging your poor pack animals behind you".

Dear Overseer Kalista,

I don't hear you complaining about our methods when you buy the wagonload of fresh fish we catch. You didn't think we somehow transported all that fish all the way from the ocean to your fort without its rotting, did you? Fish has an extremely short shelf life, you know.

Yours sincerely,
Ise Shellbanks, Human Fishmonger Merchant

[Callista]

Dear Humans:
Well, at least buy a fishing license, then.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dorfs

[TheFlame52]

Dear Queen Lorbam,

It was bad when you started demanding unmeetable demands. It was worse when you started imprisoning military dwarves. But when you imprisoned FOUNDER MOMUZ, you went too far. You better have yourself a bastard child or your line is going to die out forever, if you know what I mean. I mean I'm going to release demons in your room.

Sincerely, Overseer Bastiongate

[SimRobert2001]

Dear King:

I know you are on break, and know how hard you work. But, there is currently a mason dying out in the world.  He was beaten by a ghost that due to several unfortunate circumstances, was killed by the former king after his sarcophagus was placed on a reanimating biome. OH, well, lesson learned. Now, with THAT being said, could you pick him up from the outside? Please? Just carry him away from the ghost so he doesn't die? There are only 3 of you left now. The other guy is in the med bay after running into an undead raven

Edit: oh wait, the other guy got up JUST as you got off break. Good job, king!