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[TheKaspa]

To: Miner's Guild
Subject: Dead Urist McDumbMiner

Esteemed dwarves, I'm forwarding to you the letter I was going to write to the family of Urist, but I then discovered they disowned the son by sending him to my Fortress...

Dear (dead) Urist McDumbMiner,
how on earth did you manage to kill yourself by channeling a 1-z level on the bottom of the well reservoir?

Esteemed members of the Miner's guild, could you please teach your dwarves to dig safely, at least when the designations are not insane?
This is the third fortress in a row where the first death is not by combat but is related to digging a well in sand and soil?

An enraged overseer who just lost a very skilled dwarf

[medivo]

Dear urist mcMillitaryDwarf,

I have a stockpile of high-quality armour in the fort. So why are you and your squadmates runnin around in just a -copper chain shirt- each?

[Pirate Santa]

Dear Urist McHunter,

Seriously?

You suck.

Sincerely,
The Overseer.

[blazing glory]

Dear kea's of Lakepaddle.

I see that even though you are blocked off from my fortress proper, you are very spiteful.

I saw that when you scared off one of my dwarves and raided the barrel he was carrying from the river of half of its fish.

Pull off a stunt like that again and I will pull together a war party and lead them on a great hunt to utterly pulverize every kea on the fort premises.

The Overseer.

[blazing glory]

Dear Momuz Minescaly.

I know you are upset at the suspicious drowning of your six children.

However, murdering the cat and throwing a bed at the fortress carpenter, breaking his leg, is extremely frowned upon.

You have hereby been put on probation, another incident and you shall be put in solitary confinement.

The Overseer.

[HawaiianJon]

Dear Urist All-The-Military-Plus-Dogs

When you guys spend all of your time individually training instead of doing work then proceeding to complain about no food, despite all of you are technical minute-men;
Don't complain when the Snow Phantom comes and you can't kill it due to invincibility.

Signed
- Your Overlord.
AKA; The guy who launches the extra babies from the bridge catapult.

[ShadowDragon8685]

Dear Urist McIdlers

You all have all hauling labors enabled. You have been ordered to dump all the logs near the walls, so the boundary road can be installed.

You definitely have the gather from outside order enabled, because you've already moved most of the frelling logs.

Now, you can either finish moving the gorram logs, or we won't be able to build anything else, you simpletons!

Five of you are idle. There are only seven of you, one of you is actually working, and the other is making mechanisms like I told you. There is no excuse for this!

Sincerely,
A really annoyed Overseer.

P.S. I'm an ethereal cloud. All the clowns of the circus, megabeasts of the world, angels of the gods, and hidden beasts of the caves, attacking your site in a fell alliance of doom, wouldn't harm me. You, on the other hand, would be pasted more or less instantaneously. Do what the frell I tell you if you want to survive!

[Uzu Bash]

Dear Urist McHorrified

A little too squeamish about the gorlark parts to finish building that wall? Must be more unnerving than the parts of your friends, loved ones, and self that will be left by the next FB who flies through the hole.

Maybe it's time to let a few of you die off and make way for some immigrants. Immigrants who can finish a wall.

[ShadowDragon8685]

Dear Urist McStrangeMood.

Here at Swordsquid, you have in five years graced this fortress with three artifacts.

Now, I have a standing deal with you: Make an artifact, on your own, without being possessed (scrubs who gain no skills get ignored,) and you get a full set of gentry rooms - your own 5x5 bedroom, office, and dining room. You also get nicknamed based on the artifact you made.

I am, however, very close to rethinking this policy. Of the five artifacts produced in this fortress thus far, we have: A claystone grate, a curved tower-cap blowgun, a claystone bracelet, a magnetite hatch cover, and a persimmon wood scepter!

I am sorely tempted to institute a policy of having both useless artifacts and their creators atom-smashed as being worse than useless, they actively imperil the fort by threatening to draw giants and other unpleasant things here! Specifically: Weapons which Dwarves do not use are useless. Freaking artifact TRADE GOODS, which, of course, no dwarf would dare to actually haul to the trade depot let alone trade away, are useless!

Consider your next artifact with exceptional care!

Sincerely,
Overlord McFurious.

[ShadowDragon8685]

Dear Urist McHauler

When quantum stockpiling things, check the bottom of the pit. If there's a Dwarf there, do not release your load until they've gone.

If there's a dwarf unconscious down there, for the love of Armok don't continue to throw boulders, logs, cages, and whatever else comes to hand until you've finished them off, you simpletons!

And for crying out loud, don't continue and try to get the two poor bastards who go in to retrieve the corpse! We are not competing for points here!

Dear Urist McCrafter

I know there's goods at the bottom of that quantum stockpile. That's why I designated it. However, in the middle of a titantic [D]ump operation is not the time to walk under the shower of falling objects, you morons!

Some would say I bear some measure of responsibility for this. I would say that blaming me for the tragic death of the fort's only Legendary miner is like blaming the civil architects for installing both roads and crosswalks, since you have to have the self-preservation instincts of a lemming to walk under a shower of falling objects!

[Addendum]

Dear Urists McMedics.
There are five of you. FIVE dwarves whose SOLE responsibilities in this fortress are healthcare. You've been excused from everything else, even the things you're really, really good at, even general hauling and dumping, in the hopes that if one of you little bearded morons manages to survive something trying to kill you, you can nurse them back to health.

Yes, four of you are largely unskilled. However, that is no excuse for abandoning patients literally on the operating table to go and throw a party, or have a drink, or go "on break", or whatever you little bearded morons did. One patient died on the operating table waiting for someone to help him, and someone else was left on a traction bench to literally rot! I hope you fucking like miasma, because apparently nobody can be bothered to move the sumbitch from the hospital to his casket, either!

Get your shit together. There are five of you, whose sole duty is to see to it things like this don't happen.

Sincerely,
Overseer McOutraged.

[Dampe]

My dear Clueless fucker hopeless imbecile total buffoon trusted friend Urist McStoneworker,
While I appreciate your get-'er-done attitude towards moving wood into the stockpile, hauling logs as an undead army rushes towards our small fortress is not contributing to the overall team effort. I ordered you to construct a pair of doors to prevent us from being raped into oblivion by a horde of zombie goblins, but you were entirely too preoccupied with bringing that single all-important log to do so. The stockpile was already overflowing with the obscene amount of oak logs we brought with on embark, but that didn't bother you at all. If you'd maybe brought in something to drink, we wouldn't have all died of thirst. Goddamnit, Urist.
Goddamnit.

[Walrusking]

Dear Urist McTradesdwarf,

WHY?!?

I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!

Urist McSealdwarf

[ShadowDragon8685]

Dear Urist McTradesdwarf,

WHY?!?

I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!

Urist McSealdwarf

To Urist McSealdwarf,

Traders are greedy motherlovers, sir. I don't know exactly how sharp they are, but if you don't have a sharp, assertive dwarf, well-skilled in persuasion, negotiation, intimidation, etc, they feel they can take advantage of the dwarf you sent to negotiate with them, and may demand a deal better in their favor, and will get pissed if you keep offering them a deal which is fair by your standards.

To counter this, I recommend, if available, getting the sharpest, most persuasive and skilled liar in the fort to do the negotiating. If you can't, then just have the woodcrafters turn trees into giant spiked balls. Armok knows why, but everybody considers even babby-tier spiked balls incredibly valuable, and ones of genuine quality (for wooden objects,) will sell like crazy. Maybe they all think giant, spiked wooden balls are a form of avant-garde Dwarven art they can't understand, so they pay a premium for them so as not to appear to be stupid.

If you don't have any time for that, just seize the goods. You can go through a trade depot's menu selectively to Dump the goods you want if they're a Dwarven caravan, or just dump the whole thing (possibly including the traders' personal belongings, if you're feeling vindictive) if you're in a hurried mood.

You can also sell prepared meals for astounding prices, so if you really need to, you can buy whatever food is within your price budget, mince it all up into a roast, sell it back at a ridiculous premium, and buy whatever you like.

I just use the BALLS BALLS BALLS trick, though. By now, I'm half convinced that gargantuan wooden spiked balls are art, given the quality that my carpenters have been putting out. Thinking of hanging a pair from the walls or something.

Sincerely,
Overseer McFortressBalls

[SimRobert2001]

Dear Urist McSwordsdwarf:
You are sparring. Good on you.  But you have several friends available.  Why in the WORLD are you sparring with a CAT? Honestly, there's like 20 different guys available. Why did you pick fluffy mcwhiskers to spar with?

[ShadowDragon8685]

Dear Urist McSwordsdwarf:
You are sparring. Good on you.  But you have several friends available.  Why in the WORLD are you sparring with a CAT? Honestly, there's like 20 different guys available. Why did you pick fluffy mcwhiskers to spar with?

He loves/hates cats? Maybe the cat tried to attack him lethally, and Urist McSwordsdwarf thought the cat was attempting to spar with him and so is fighting back?