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[Foxite]

Dear miners,

I must say I am dissapointed by what you have done. Every time you, as a team of ten legendary +5 miners, mine out almost anything I designate within ten seconds per 25 tiles of stone. But this time, you didn't.

Normally, I wouldn't care. But this time, I do. You see, there is a leatherworker out there who has been unhappy. Probably because of witnessing the mass murder from the last goblin raid. We kicked their asses like never before, but it didn't stop the corpses from causing horror among dwarves who have to haul them away.

I ordered a 3 rooms, in a platinum vein intersecting with a magnetite cluster, to be mined out near the nobles' quarters. These rooms would be engraved later and assigned to the unhappy dwarf to boost his mood. But for some reason, you took a whole month to mine out 3 10x10 rooms in mostly the same stone.

The dwarf went berserk. The militia had to kill him.

You failed me. Normally I would see this as an oppoturnity to test functionality of the the cleaning system of the reservoir, the drowning chamber, the magma cannon, and the safety of the magma chute, but you are my fortress' most sacred group of people, and all of you somehow have at least 4 friends despite being on job 99% of the time.

But I'm not letting this go unpunished. The next time this happens, I will be testing the aforementioned contraptions with certain subjects *cough cough*, and they are not the goblins we captured last winter.

Signed,
The Overseeer

[Zac]

Dear Urist McBetterDeadThanSober

I have no idea how you get stuck into the well but, as an overseer, it's my duty to plan ahead and make sure the infrastructures in our fortress are safe. I take all responsibility for this truly unfortunate accident, and I present, to you and your clan, my most sincere apologies, it won't happen again.

Falling into the cistern of a well, if it goes unnoticed, can be a very dangerous situation indeed. One could die of exhaustion in that well, of hunger, of drowning, of the fall, one could die in so many tragic ways. But not you. You chose the pathetic way.

So, really Urist, tell me, I would like to know how you managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATER ?!

Sincerely,
Your disappointed Overseer.

[Foxite]

Managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATER

Sigged

[Dwarf4Explosives]

Dear Urist McBetterDeadThanSober

I have no idea how you get stuck into the well but, as an overseer, it's my duty to plan ahead and make sure the infrastructures in our fortress are safe. I take all responsibility for this truly unfortunate accident, and I present, to you and your clan, my most sincere apologies, it won't happen again.

Falling into the cistern of a well, if it goes unnoticed, can be a very dangerous situation indeed. One could die of exhaustion in that well, of hunger, of drowning, of the fall, one could die in so many tragic ways. But not you. You chose the pathetic way.

So, really Urist, tell me, I would like to know how you managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATER ?!

Sincerely,
Your disappointed Overseer.

Dear Overseer,
Do you have any idea how hard it is to move your head down far enough to get a drink whilst preventing yourself from sinking to the point at which you cannot swim back up? And believe me, you'll drown if you try to simply submerge yourself slightly. Do you know how long I managed to keep on swimming?
Sincerely,
Urist McOuijaBoard

[pisskop]

The overseer was not properly prepared.  Any real overseer knows to put a well in the well.


More seriously a staircase going to the cistern is of help.

[Zac]

More seriously a staircase going to the cistern is of help.

Nope, no room for that I fear, instead I will put a slab in memory of Urist in the cistern to remind the next one to drink.

[Loyal]

Dear Urist McAcrophobe:

Yes, you.


How did you manage to even GET UP THERE? And between your hunger, your thirst, the minotaur attack, and your miscarriage (my sincerest condolences for your loss), how have you not found your way back down?

Look, just ... let us get a scaffold up there. Then go to bed and stay there. No, don't bother returning to the barracks, your services in the military are no longer required.

[Wooster]

Dear Urist McBroker,

I know that you're a hotshot accountant. I know that you have to make sure you eat, drink, sleep, party, plant seeds and all the other important stuff that dwarves do.

I also know that your last trading assignment was a roaring success, convincing the mountainhome traders to part with goods worth exactly as much as we offered. I can understand your reluctance to blot that record, as inevitably must happen. But for pity's sake, you haven't answered the depot call for the last four trading missions! Do it immediately, or, since you seem to enjoy it so much, I'll have you assigned to farming permanently.

Hugs and kisses,

The Governor

[Eric Blank]

Dear Urists,

Why were you all going after that kingsnake? "Store item in stockpile?" What item? The snake was carrying nothing. You could have gone right around it; you had the whole of the great outsdoors to wander through, and it was moving away from you. Yet as soon as you saw it, all three of you decided you needed to poke it instead. And you, Urist McBlacksmith: I wanted that kingsnake alive, in a cage. I am disappointed with you.

Stop killing the interesting things,
your overseer.

[Immortal-D]

Dear Urist Prospector Dwarves;

I appreciate you finding a suitable location for our new Fortress, I do.  However, when you said that the Southern half of the beach contained Shallow Metal, I was expecting at least 1 vein of Iron-bearing rock.  I was not expecting to find 10 full layers of exclusively dolomite, coal, and gems.  While admittedly amusing, this is going to severely hamper the 'not getting ripped apart by our enemies' part of the plan, as there are only so many tigereye shortswords to go around, and gemstone armor is currently beyond our abilities.  Thanks to your shoddy prospecting, we'll have to breach the caverns in search of copper, hoping our bone & gem equipped militia can handle any trouble.

Amused and annoyed at the same time, Overseer.

[Littleman9Mew2]

Dear Militia Commander,

I know you cannot find the item you were looking for, but do you really have to tell me x3466 times
Really x3466 times is a hefty number, so STOP BUGGING ME AND GET BACK TO WORK.

Thank you,
Mayor -------

(This was inspired by a true story)

[MrCompassionate]

Dear Butchers

Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.

I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.

Dear Overseer,

We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden.  We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile.  Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it.  Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves

Curiously I did have the corpse un-forbidden and well within the bounds of the burrow and lots of people with no jobs with butchery but maybe it was in the (O)rders screen that something had gone wrong?

But that can't be true because about a year or two later somebody came out and finally dragged it's salty bones down and butchered it, by which time I had almost forgotten about it. The fact that somebody did go butcher it years after I had ordered it is almost more annoying that if they simply left it forever. At least if they never did it I might have assumed they simply couldn't do it because of a glitch or something I missed. But no, they could have done it any time they wished. They simply wanted to mess around a whole bunch first.

[Sprin]

Dear urist mcmilitery
you suck
Signed the overseer

Dear urist mcminer
you saved the fort from the rampaging cyclopse that killed 10 people before you decided to slowlly impale him to death.
signed the overseer

[Naryar]

Dear fishermen of Kadolatast

Truly I must be gifted with the most special fishermen ever.

Not only do you go fishing INSIDE the river instead of next the river and spam my study with dangerous terrain reports, but now you apparently lost two full barrels of fish inside the very same river.

I know 2/7 water river banks are interesting, and I know this very river having 2/7 water at it's source is strange.

Yet I built a small bridge to allow you to go fetch the fishes you have on the other side of the river, and apparently someone misplaced two barrels of fish in the river.

THE RIVER IS NOT A FOOD STOCKPILE.

If this fishy behavior (no pun intended) continues, I will be forced to remove the whole, dabbling fishing industry and you will be replaced to somewhere more interesting, like mining or military.

Seriously. Did a carp nibbled on your brain ? Or is it full of that river's water ? Or maybe all fishermen are stupid ? That must be the latter, I guess.

Signed, the overseer

[da_nang]

Dear Urists in the military,

Please kill the vulture murdering our legendary cook instead of just standing right next to it while placing bets.

Signed, Baffled Overseer.

P.S. The vulture has also collapsed from exhaustion, so get on with it.