Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[TheDarkJay]

Dear Urist McWeaponsmith

I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.

But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.

Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer

open cavern ->build loom ->Collect Webs/R ->Weave Thread into Silk/R

I tried. The caverns are either currently being patrolled by forgotten beasts that cause dwarfs eyes to explode, or have no webs in them...

Speaking of which:

Dear Urist McWarrior:

I don't care that it tore off both your arms and it's breath caused your eyes to explode as you slowly bleed to death from every place your body can bleed. I don't have quitters in my army, so get up and finish the fight. Stop passing out and headbutt the bugger to death like a real dwarf!!!

Signed, Urist McUnreasonable

P.S Why do I suspect we wouldn't be having this problem if we had an artefact axe...

[Spaghetti]

Thob Dodokom expedition leader has been possessed!

A diplomat has left unhappy...

fuck

[Eagle_eye]

Dear Urist McMigrant,

    We appreciate the fact that you and your twenty companions came all this way to see our militia commanders new adamantine armor, but to be frank, we don't particularly need 20 poorly skilled vagrants, To deal with this problem, you've all been drafted. Except Mr. McWeaponsmith. he can stay. All migrants entering the army are to report to the magma chamber for training, tomorrow at noon.

Sincerely, your supreme lord and master.

[Indricotherium]

Dear Freed Tigerman Pet Person,

As you lure the hydra down the streambed in the ravine, remember the heavily trapped River Gate is down the left fork, not the right fork which is a dead endTHE LEFT FORK! Left! Left fork! LEFT! Lef-oh well. Never mind. Good Luck.

Signed,
The Dwarves of Tinrain

[ledgekindred]

To the citizens of Amethaanenu, Your Fortress Overlord has several announcements:

Urist McBroker:
Judging from what I have heard from my fellow Overseers, I can only assume that Dwarven Broker school must teach the classics, such as "Sleeping While The Merchants Unpack: 101", "Hauling Crap To The Depot Instead of Trading: 102" and "How To Be Hungry, Thirsty and Tired For The Entire Time The Caravan Is Visiting: 401" among others.  I understand you may be sleepy, hungry and/or thirsty.  The booze is not going anywhere.  In fact, if you got your ass up here, we would have even more booze!  But now, see those ass-ends of a bunch of horses?  There goes the booze. 

Urist McMedic:
I don't know who trained you, but I'm confident it was someone unfamiliar with Dwarven anatomy. When a fellow dwarf has both his upper and lower arms broken and torn open, I think even the most cursory of examinations should be able to determine such.  "Sleep it off" is not an acceptable treatment.  At least tie a stick to his arm, for Armok's sake.  I further feel I must mention the poor dwarf wandering the fortress with the broken lower back.  I can only assume she is pulling herself around by her arms and, I must add, doing her job quite adequately nonetheless.  However I shall not speak of Urist McChef who has been lying on the dining room floor with a broken leg, begging for a diagnosis, for two years now.

Urist McHunter:
I appreciate your enthusiasm but before you venture on your next hunting expedition can you please explain to me how you are capable of leaving the fort carrying a hundred bolts only to return a few minutes later with an empty quiver and a warthog carcass.  Just the other day I watched your very own dog maul an elephant to death by himself.  Please take notes next time or we will start charging for ammo.

Urist McMayor:
We have no aluminum.  If we had aluminum, I am certain I would build aluminum items for you.  A lever and a floodgate specifically.  Can you guess what I would then do with them?  It rhymes with "Bagma." 

To all dwarves:
I have assigned all of you perfectly nice bedrooms.  If only you would sleep in them.  Stop whining.

Yrs.
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.

P.S.:
Elven caravan, meet Ettin.  Ettin, meet Elven caravan.  Ettin, meet magma.  Mr. Magma is very happy to see you.  I thank you both for your business and all that free loot.

[dogstile]

Note for Urist McDungeonKeeper

Put some freaking clothes on, or I shall make you crispy

Signed

Ghrazkul, Pet dragon

[Akura]

Dear denizens of the Hidden Fun Stuff,
  As you may know, we accidentally put a hole in the roof of your home. We quickly sealed it up with a mix of magma and water, creating an obsidian roof over your head, and as repayment, engraved it with masterful artworks of your kind and similar beings killing dwarves in a variety of manners so that the value of the new roof is at least as much as the old one, as well as leaving the legendary engraver, his wife, their three daughters, and their pet cat for you to do with at your leisure. Please stop using your mass-magickery to bring the whole universe to a freeze.

Signed,
Urist McBaron.



Dear Urist McMayor,
  The liason from the mountainhomes has been enjoying our hopsitality for over a month, and I have specifically ordered you not to be moving objects around, yet you insist on bringing goods to the trade depot, when there are 40 other dwarves assigned directly to that task. Furthermor- what?! Did he just go on break?!

Signed,
An extremely angry overlord.

[Sphalerite]

Dear Urist McMason:

I appreciate the fact that those cows wandering around loose are Dangerous Animals and you need to cancel everything you're doing to drag them back to their chains.  But the fact that you can't get to that curtain wall that needs constructing right now doesn't mean you have to declare the job suspended.  Suspending the job means nobody can do it.  Put the cow back on it's chain, and then go build the wall.

Dear Urist McMilker:

Put the cow back on the chain when you're done milking it.  Loose cows distracts the masons.

[gopa4]

Dear Military:
   I appreciate your enthusiasm to protect the forts central stair well from the denizens of the underworld. But I do believe the orders from above told you to hold your position in the main corridor leading to the underworld with our archer units providing covering fire from the rear. The few remaining dwarves will entomb your carcasses in magma before they perish from the denizens of the underworld.
Sincerely,
A frustrated overlord
Ps. Miners when you get the idea in your mind to mine out one more tile of the precious blue element please ignore it, for all of our sake.

[Shagomir]

A series of letters, based on recent events in my fort Shoratkikrost, "Wirestockades"

Dear Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith

Could you please explain your presence underneath the megaproject wall that was being deconstructed on the opposite side of the map from your magma forge? Unfortunately, the collapse seems to have pushed you off a 5 z-level cliff into a canyon with no access ramps of any kind. We regret to inform you that the miners appear to be too busy to dig you out of your predicament, despite the planned rescue tunnel being the only excavation designated. Further, we do not have the medical expertise needed to correct your broken left arm, smashed open left arm, broken left leg, broken right leg, and broken lower back, so you should probably just suck it up.

We have sent this complimentary copper pickaxe, fruit basket, and barrel of Dwarven Wine to help you through your difficult ordeal. Please pick your sorry behind up out of the brook and dig your own way out.

Thanks,
Fortress Management.



Dear Urist McWifeOfLegendaryWeaponsmith,

We regret to inform you that your Husband, Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith, has passed away due to massive internal injuries and his own laziness.

While we understand that this is a difficult time for you and your 17 cats, please try not to break anything or anyone.

Thanks,
Fortress Management.




MEMORANDUM
ATTN: ALL DWARVES CURRENTLY RESIDING IN WIRESTOCKADE
SUBJECT: REGARDING RECENT TANTRUM SPIRALS AND OUTDOOR ADVENTURES

Due to the adventurous nature of some of our residents, there were recently a spate of emotional disturbances. Please note that if you continue to act out, you will be thrown in a magma pit. If you are feeling one step closer to the edge, please visit our new legendary dining room, where we have laid out a complementary buffet and rows of masterwork gold statues.

Additionally, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the new "Burrows" system. The Hammerdwarf will be setting up an individual meeting with all residents to ensure compliance.

Thanks,
Fortress Management

[ledgekindred]

Dear Elephants:

Can you try a little harder?  My hunter keeps coming back with your friends and now my chefs are up to their eyeballs in elephant.  I even bought them stepladders.

Thank you

[Aspgren]

Dear Urist. McHammerer.

All the dwarves. ALL of them are talking about you behind your back and also they're stealing socks.

Signed.
Coolface.stonetablet

[Medicine Man]

Dear Thingy Mcfunstuff

Please ACCEPT the sacrifices of migrants that we give you,we are doing that instead of dropping them into magma because we want you to stop destroying,if you do not stop destroying we will get our strongest military against you.

Dear Urist Mcminer/militiacaptian

You are our most mighty warrior and you run at the sight of a rabbit,remember?when you were storing that item in a stockpile you ran,screaming from a cute rabbit
please learn that this is just the begining of the horrors you will face.

Signed.Angryplayer

[abadidea]

Lor. Can you hear me, Lor? This is your goddess speaking.

Welcome to the afterlife. I know losing your two dogs in an ambush was hard, but you were trusted by our fortress as both the broker and the chief doctor, and we needed you. Your husband and your friends were there to support you, but you chose to shun them and go on tantruming no matter what was done to appease you. YOU caused the elven diplomat to leave unhappy, YOU left people wracked in pain upon their beds to suffer, YOU have single-handedly made life just a little bit harder for everyone here.

And you wonder why I made Stukos the baroness.

[Tale]

To the 9 or so Dwarves above ground,

I cancelled all jobs, forbade everything.  I assigned everyone to a burrow 15 Z levels below ground.  Those of you still attempting to stockpile the stone by the in construction walls when I flood the entrance in order to save everyone who isn't A COMPLETE MORON deserve the Goblins.

Thanks,
Urist McPitiless