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[schussel]

Dear Dreamy Fisherdwarf,

i knwo it was the responsibility of a certain miner that he tapped the volcano in such a way that the magma now flows over half the map ..

but thats no reason to just stand there trying to fish in a steaming obsidianising pond  to get sourrounded and knocked out by magma and deadly fume clouds ...

hope the afterlife is quite more interesting  than steamy fire stuffy .. well .. hf in hell

[Jordo]

Dear female dwarves of Udilshoveth:

Stop having so many babies. Seriously, they make up 1/4th of the fort's population

Yours truly,
The mysterious force that controls all.

[arcadia]

Dear Sole Survivor:

Thank you for your patience with the kingdom's new, "Every dwarf, a miner dwarf!" policy. Unfortunately, due to administrative oversights with regards to "The Great Channel" project, out of your group of twenty-two, you are now one of the two dwarfs who remain attached to all major body parts. Regrettably, I must inform you that we failed to locate your compatriot shortly after he became melancholy; comparatively it is heartening to see that your mood has not been affected by the recent losses.

However, as part of emergency protocol, all surviving dwarfs must take on responsibilities of those deceased: I have personally granted you access to every dwarfish labor. I apologize for any inconvenience and wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
The Administrator
P.S. There are 0 units of food and 6 units of booze remaining.

[Tcei]

Dear Urist McHammerdwarf

I realize that training green recruits is a tiresome task, however, choosing to go to bed and leaving the new recruit to handle the ogre invasion by himself is not an effective way to train him. For your sake be thankful that he managed to land a lucky blow, despite having broken both arms and a leg, as well as cracking his skull among other injuries. The cost of feeding him untill he heals will be coming out of your rations.

Sincerely,
Your benevolent caretaker.

____

Dear Elephant Herd,

Thankyou for falling so nicely into my traps! It is, however, counter productive to your species to be all male. In future migrations please bring along at least one female.

[Cespinarve]

To: The Law Giver Of The Glowing Unions

Dear Sir or Madame,

As you are aware, in the late summer of this year, the law-giver of your civilization, one Ikar Oririnih, arrived at our fair fortress, whereupon on cresting the mountaintops and viewing the valley of my home, she fell dead. It has recently reached my ears that the fine people of The Glowing Unions "suspect The Seal of Ages" as being involved with her death. We find this insinuation most preposterous. It is simply criminally irresponsible of any organization to allow a human woman of 119 to depart on so strenuous a journey on her own and expect her to do as well as anyone even half her age. We are no more complicit in her death than we are in the lifespan of mayflies.

I have the honor to remain, yours most faithfully,

Loki Ostarled, first Baroness Arkelgoden, Rareroped, 29th Galena, 1055

[Greiger]

To the mountainhome merchant guilds:

4 years now a caravan has arrived in the area near the fortress in late summer.  And for the third year in a row that caravan has been set upon by hordes goblins and orcs.

It is obvious at this point that the goblins and orcs decide to show up on the last month of each season.  Did it ever occur to you to send the caravan a month early so that they would arrive BEFORE the invading hordes?  Or better yet, a month late so that they can both arrive and depart unmolested?  I'm just sayin'...

If you do decide to continue sending the caravan at the same time please order them to arrive from the same path every year.  I try to defend them, but there is only so much I can do when your merchants apperantly decide to circle the site a few times before entering from a random direction.

Until one of these issues are dealt with, you are on your own until you enter the fortress gates.  I'm going to stop risking soldiers on wild goose chases.  We don't need you.  We have enough livestock to feed 300 Dracon indefinitely.  If you can't be assed to make some sensible decisions, we aren't going to go out of our way to supply you with your gem studded thong needs.

Sincerely
The administration of SmolderCrater.

[Silent_Thunder]

Dear Urist McSoldierWife,

While I understand that the death of a loved one is very traumatizing, rest assured that your husband's heroic death in the Great Crundle Wars of 1057 was not forgotten. As you will notice, he has been buried in the warrior's Hall of Honor. As such, I have found it highly inappropriate that, during your tantrum, you decided to punch your babies off the cliffs. Normally this would not bother me, but it is the fact that you also punched UristMcLegendaryAxedwarf's children (all five of them) into the magma moat as well that has worried me. As such, you are now head of the "Stopping Urist McLegendaryAxedwarf From Slaughtering the Entire Fortress Patrol", As you will see, you uniform consists of leather armor and a training sword, godspeed.

From,
The Administrator

(In case you were wondering, McSoldierWife killed 16 babies!!)

[Greiger]

To Aujinat and Urketh soldiers.

I am greatly dissapointed in your decision to charge ahead by yourselves to attack the swordmaster and spearmaster that were molesting puppy #23.  It's a puppy, we have dozens more, once you are reduced to kibble I'm going to make sure one of the newbie stonecrafters engraves your memorial slab.  No masterworks for...

...Congratulations on your rout of the orc sword and spearmasters.  I'm sure if their weapons weren't made of copper it would have turned out differently.  Your decision to chase them out of the fortress onto the bridge that happens to be overflowing with the rest of the orc squads is however not looked approvingly upon, once we collect all your pieces...

...

To Aujinat Righteoustangle the Primitive Treasures, and Urketh Flankwasp the Stirred Speeches of Reputing,

They are running away, you can stop slaughtering them wholesale now.  There are already more than enough orc corpses to clean off the bridge, you don't need to make more.

Sincerely baffled,
The administration.

[Ten_Tacles]

Dear UristMcVeryUnhappy,
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Confused, your grant overmind.

[Fortis]

Dear Urist McDumbass,

If you insist on digging out a channel beneath your very feet, you deserve every z level of that 5 story drop. Enjoy being practiced on by the butcher-turned-bonesetter. It may take him a few tries to get it right.

Signed,
A very annoyed overlord.

[schussel]

Dear MC UristLegendaryMiner and Mc UristLegendaryWoodchuck from the first 7

you were the strongest and the bravest warriors of your group .. and there were those evil Stranglers and later naughty frogmen invading to murder our beloved  (joking here) kittens ...

you were heroes in your valiant charge of together with the rest of the full squad of conscripted axemen ... disabling each a wave of attackers alone ...

but well

how do you both manage to get lost of your big left toe  to get it bitten off!!! or stabbed off by a wooden pike .. and now be invalided at the hospital ...

its a toe ..

how can there be a total leg nerve damage going up from there preventing you from leaving the bed anymore ... especially as you walked home with it and laid down into the bed yourselves ...

i sense a lazy pretender ...

your luck is that the hospital is in a crowded area i cant afford to submerge in lava ...

i hope you enjoy the company i built up in the future for you by creating  the graveyard of the poor civilian dead of both sieges right next to your bed .. may they bring you joy

sincerely ..

a disappointed ruler

[Nyxalinth]

Dear UristMcVeryUnhappy,
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Confused, your grant overmind.

Dear Overmind,

I just don't handle stress well. It even says so in my description. All the blue stuff in the world can't make me any less emo, but I imagine I can only go downhill from here.


Urist McNowSuicidal

[Gr33kjester]

Dear Dwarfs of the Outpost of that place "Smithswims",
I know there are only 7 of us, mining is slow, plus there are elephants running about in the distance, but FOR ARMOK'S SAKE, Urist McMetalsmith/Miner, STOP ATTEMPTING TO SWIM IN THE MURKY POOLS! DON'T THINK YOUR OK WOODWORKERS! You still have to make that temporary wall...
UNIONS ARE BAD, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE ONE!
Apart from that, all is well...
Comrade 'Joseph' Gr33kjester

[Nokiemens]

Dear Urist McLegendaryBrewer

Yes, I realize that the recent alcohol shortage is a problem. However, we have a store-room filled to the brim with plump helmets and empty barrels. I completely fail to see why you would complain about a lack of alcohol, and refuse to brew any yourself. Additionally, just because there's a pool of water next to you does NOT mean that you can piss in it, permanently contaminating our water supply.

Your pissed-off deity, Noki.

[Naes Draw]

Dear hauler A and B,

I understand we are low on drinking materials, what with a temperamentally filled well, and limited booze. You however, have not grasped this.

Why, may I ask, did you two feel the need to tie up two of our buckets to do what appears to be watering the STONE trade depot? I've watched you for awhile now, and you are still going at it. If you can provide an explanation, I would be honored to hear it.

(I am dead serious here. They both have buckets, they go to the well, then to the trade depot, then repeat. There's no one in there. I also have a f'sking water shortage.)