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[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McDoctor,

Do you see all those chests lining the wall of the hospital? They are full of medical supplies like soap and thread and cloth and such that you can use on your patients. That is why they are there. You do not need to walk all the way over to the stockpile to get soap to clean the wound of a patient who is rapidly succumbing to infection.

R/OS

[pisskop]

Dear Dwarf Therapist;

I sometimes hate having vampires spoiled.  Takes the Fun out of it a bit, ya?  Now, what to do with him?  Hes only 50 years old!

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McSwordmaster,

You are an elite, legendary swordfighter wearing steel armor and carrying a steel sword. You are not allowed to cancel picking up provisions because you were scared by an owl.

R/OS

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McMarksdwarf,

To all my civilian crossbow units, I greatly appreciate your devotion to duty in getting on top of the walls quickly and with most of the equipment you need. You always carry the quivers, the crossbows, the armor, the booze you need for a proper defense. However, I would like to make one observation: crossbows work best when accompanied by bolts. You are very good at bringing crossbows to the fortifications, however, bringing bolts seems to be a little trickier. We have huge stockpiles of bolts of every material imaginable, so I know you are not simply having trouble finding them. In future, when getting ready to go defend the fortress, please take an extra moment to stop and pick up some ammunition before doing so.

R/OS

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McBroker,

I am truly at a loss. What do have to do to get you to actually do some trading? Simply requesting you come to the depot is obviously not enough, you will find any excuse to get out of trading by performing some other labor. To help you avoid distraction, I have disabled every single labor for you, so now trading is officially your only job. Never mind the many other things you could be doing around the fortress, never mind the massive amount of hauling we need done that I need absolutely every hand I can get for, I have set it so when caravans are not here, you can simply sit in your palace-like quarters with a mug of dwarven ale and put your feet up.

This, incidentally, is precisely what you were doing when the last human caravan arrived. And though you did indeed spend a good portion of the last month drinking and eating and taking long breaks, you did eventually finish that and decide to do some work. However, trading was not the work you decided to do. Now you did go to the depot, and left, and came back many times. Because obviously, despite everyone else in the fortress helping to bring goods to the depot, and you being the only one who can actually do anything with all of them, you thought you would be best employed hauling goods to the depot, despite having no hauling labors enabled, rather than trading them.

This struck me as particularly odd, considering that I have also created a burrow around the depot and ordered you to remain confined inside this burrow, an order which you seem to be totally ignoring. Now I have had to take this a step further. You may have noticed that when you entered the depot to drop off goods, that the gates to the depot shut behind you. Does the fact that you are now physically confined to the trade depot give you any ideas as to what you should be doing there? Apparently not, as now you are banging up against the gates and complaining about being unable to find a path to bring even more goods to the depot. I am dumbfounded. It seems you have not only chosen to devote your existence to not only disobeying me, but also being exceptionally annoying while you are doing so.

So tell me, what would you like me to do? What would you do if you were me? You know how much I detest insubordination, and you have flagrantly violated even the most basic orders I have given you. You know perfectly well what is behind that floodgate in the corner, you helped to install it. You are not the only trader in this fortress and there are many others who would absolutely love to have your—and I use this term very loosely—job. All I have to do is order one lever to be pulled and I will not even need to do any trading. With the queen currently in the hospital with about 300 broken bones, what makes you think that you are above the law? Think about this very carefully. Please, for your own sake, do your fucking job.

Regards,
An overseer who is growing increasingly frustrated with the amount of useless trinkets we have sitting around unsold

P.S. To Joe TheHumanMerchant: I apologize if I have alarmed you by sealing the trade depot. I have no intention of causing any unfortunate accidents, yet. I am simply trying to get my broker to do his job in any way I can, and I must beg your forgiveness for this extreme lack of professionalism from my staff that you have been forced to witness. I can assure you that you will, in all likelihood, be allowed to leave this fortress safely once our business dealings have been completed.

[Larix]

Classic advice for broker woes:
Forget the broker, you don't need them to trade.

Set the depot to "anyone may trade". As long as you have _a_ broker with appraisal skill, you'll get all prices displayed, and other skills are only of significance if you have very little to offer and want to acquire a lot of stuff; for the standard "just take those x*pig tail fibre socks* off our hands" trade, giving the merchants enough of a margin is easy.

If you have no broker with appraisal skill, "anyone may trade" is still an easy way to get a proper trade going: just pause the game once someone has made it to the depot, go into the nobles screen and assign _that_ dwarf to be the new broker. Just opening the trade window should give them enough experience for value display.

"Bring item to depot" is an all hands job, it ignores all labour settings and the "trade at depot" job usually waits until most/all items are there before it's even generated. By burrowing the broker at the depot, you just prevent them from doing anything - the trade job won't spawn if there are still too many marked items out there. Unselect the most irrelevant garbage you ordered brought to the depot, and _switch off that toxic "only broker may trade" option_, it's bad for you.

I've switched off the broker privilege at the depot when i worked out that this has massive downsides and no tangible benefits.

PS: of course it'd be nice if things got fixed eventually, so that the broker isn't yet another cloaked passive noble _and_ that nobles actually put a positive priority on their designated job; it really seems like they're programmed to actively avoid doing those jobs.

[jcochran]

Hey Boss,

I know you haven't given me any other jobs except trading. And I'm doing exactly what I need to do in order to trade. Can't you see that I'm carrying all those trinkets and other valuables from the stockpile to the trade depot? I only hope that I'm not so exhausted by that labor that I'll have to then head out for a good brew to wet my dry throat. I can't bargain with those crafty merchants after all with a dry throat. And of course, I may need to build by reserves by having a good meal. Do you have any idea how much those merchants take advantage of you when they hear your stomach growl? Perhaps then, that meal and drink might make me sleepy. Gotta take a power nap then or else those merchants will steal you blind. Yaaawwwwnnnn. Carrying all those trade goods is rather exhausting. Perhaps I should take a break.

You ever obedient and helpful broker,
Urist.

[sal880612m]

Dear Dwarf Therapist;

I sometimes hate having vampires spoiled.  Takes the Fun out of it a bit, ya?  Now, what to do with him?  Hes only 50 years old!

Isn't that an option you can turn off?

[TV4Fun]

Hey Boss,

I know you haven't given me any other jobs except trading. And I'm doing exactly what I need to do in order to trade. Can't you see that I'm carrying all those trinkets and other valuables from the stockpile to the trade depot? I only hope that I'm not so exhausted by that labor that I'll have to then head out for a good brew to wet my dry throat. I can't bargain with those crafty merchants after all with a dry throat. And of course, I may need to build by reserves by having a good meal. Do you have any idea how much those merchants take advantage of you when they hear your stomach growl? Perhaps then, that meal and drink might make me sleepy. Gotta take a power nap then or else those merchants will steal you blind. Yaaawwwwnnnn. Carrying all those trade goods is rather exhausting. Perhaps I should take a break.

You ever obedient and helpful broker,
Urist.

Dear Urist,

You are quite correct, I have been too hard on you. Perhaps the broker job is simply too stressful for you, and I should assign you a duty more fit to your talents. To that end, I am assigning you to a brand new militia squad and giving you the special task of hunting the forgotten beasts that are sleeping in the caverns beneath our fortress. Several forgotten beasts have come to our caverns and eluded even the most assiduous searches by our militia. Our workers down in the caverns live in constant fear that one day one of them will burst forth from the water and eat them alive, but I have great confidence that you, with your incredible heroism and clear ability to conserve your energy will be able to find them and kill them. Just imagine the glory that will come your way when you, a merchant with no combat experience whatsoever, without the benefit of so much as a weapon or a single piece of armor, go forth into the caves and singlehandedly kill all the great legendary beasts that reside there. Go forth great hero! Go forth and do great things! We shall honor your name and pray to Armok for your success! You indeed are the Wereweaselborn!

Please save us, O great hero, you are our only hope. With great respect,
The Overseer

[Kreydurst]

Dear Urst McMigrant

While I do love seeing what I get during the first two waves of migrations, having 9 out of 14 migrants in two waves being children does not please me. What angers me even more, is the fact that I've already set my child cap to 10, so what the hell is wrong with you. Next wave of primary children gets sent to the caverns.

Love, OS

[blazing glory]

Dear Urst McMigrant

While I do love seeing what I get during the first two waves of migrations, having 9 out of 14 migrants in two waves being children does not please me. What angers me even more, is the fact that I've already set my child cap to 10, so what the hell is wrong with you. Next wave of primary children gets sent to the caverns.

Love, OS

Dear OS

I believe you should start considering some child care if you are getting too many children.

Yours truly,your chief adviser.

[MrsStick]

Classic advice for broker woes:
Forget the broker, you don't need them to trade.

Set the depot to "anyone may trade". As long as you have _a_ broker with appraisal skill, you'll get all prices displayed, and other skills are only of significance if you have very little to offer and want to acquire a lot of stuff; for the standard "just take those x*pig tail fibre socks* off our hands" trade, giving the merchants enough of a margin is easy.

If you have no broker with appraisal skill, "anyone may trade" is still an easy way to get a proper trade going: just pause the game once someone has made it to the depot, go into the nobles screen and assign _that_ dwarf to be the new broker. Just opening the trade window should give them enough experience for value display.

"Bring item to depot" is an all hands job, it ignores all labour settings and the "trade at depot" job usually waits until most/all items are there before it's even generated. By burrowing the broker at the depot, you just prevent them from doing anything - the trade job won't spawn if there are still too many marked items out there. Unselect the most irrelevant garbage you ordered brought to the depot, and _switch off that toxic "only broker may trade" option_, it's bad for you.

I've switched off the broker privilege at the depot when i worked out that this has massive downsides and no tangible benefits.

PS: of course it'd be nice if things got fixed eventually, so that the broker isn't yet another cloaked passive noble _and_ that nobles actually put a positive priority on their designated job; it really seems like they're programmed to actively avoid doing those jobs.

I have my depot set to anyone may trade too...and it hasn't been bad. I just wanted to add - I have a "depot" burrow, and even adding my useless broker to it doesn't actually make him go. He just sits around doing what the OP was complaining of. Which is why I have several dwarves with varying amounts of broker skills now. Hooray!

[Kreydurst]

Dear Urst McWeaponsmith

While I appreciate your demand for bones, and metal bars so you may complete your strange mood. I do however not like the fact, that you made one of the highest value items in the world. Meaning Spiked Balls.

But not only did you make a Iron spike ball, studded with horse bone. You highhandedly doubled the value of my fort. Next time, please make a proper weapon, that someone can bloody well hold onto.

Love, OS

[MrsStick]

Dear Kulet Gusilakun,

I appreciate you taking your new position in my militia to heart. I also am impressed that you immediately responded to my call to kill the chained goblin. However, you had NO TRAINING whatsoever. You were a brand new piece of cannon fodder, at least, until you finally got some training. I drafted you yesterday; why did you attack the goblin master lasher without even your trusty war dogs I assigned you?

While I am frustrated at your pep, I will ensure you are buried and have a slab engraved to ensure we don't forget the fact that you had the most motivation of any dwarf I currently oversee.

Rest in suffocated peace,
Overseer

[Habbadax]

To the assorted Urists of the Mason's guild of Fillpaged,

For the first year, I did not mind that the walls were not complete
For the second, I was perhaps mildly annoyed, but soon turned my attention to other matters
For the third, I could fairly be called agitated, but more pressing concerns were at hand

And now, in this fourth year, with the Goblins on our doorstep yet again, with the militia in tatters from the horror from below, I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homes

Yours, regretfully, The Overseer of Fillpaged